Stopping exH seeing the DC

[RoseOfSharyn]

Long back story but I left my violent and abusive exH 18 months ago.
He has had regular access with the DC during this time amd with the help of SS, HV etc it has been going ok for the most part.

He stopped paying maintenance last year so I went through CMS. Due to thw amount he had to pay me he decided he wanted to have the DC 3 nights a week so he could pay less. Meaning I have to see him 6 days a week for drop offs/pick ups.

His violent behaviour has begun to escalate again and I was assaulted in front of the children on saturday. The police are involved but he has not been arrested yet.

I have told the police and my HV that I no longer want him to have access to the children and they have told me I am well within my rights to stop it. I have an appointment with my solicitor on Thursday to get something put down on paper.

My question is...he is supposed to be having the children tonight. He decided at the weekend he will no longer be collecting them and that I have to drop them off, which I'm obviously not going to do. So....do I tell him in advance that he is not having them and potentially spark his rage? Or do I lock all windows and doors, shut curtains and wait till he realises I'm not dropping them off, comes to my house shouting and screaming, then call 999?

[Changedname3456]

Sorry you're going through this. Surely, given the circumstances, this is something better discussed with SW and the Police (via 101)? Or most people will guide you to the Women's Aid service.

This is too serious to be taking the advice of a load of randoms (include myself here) on an internet board.

[MiniFrankfurters]

Call SS for advice, I presume you have a social worker already or have had one in the past? Because of the assault i would expect that they will carry out another assessment for the children.

Then call 101 and advise the police of your plan just incase you need to ring them this evening.

You're doing the best thing and protecting your children from further emotional abuse. He will have to go through the courts to see them, in a safe environment.

Do you think he would kick off if you told him in advance? I'm just thinking it wouldn't be good for the children to witness that if he turns up in a rage tonight.

I hope you are ok, be strong!!

[OnTheRise]

I'd speak to SS and the police ASAP, and then try to find somewhere else to say tonight so that you and your children won't be home if he does kick off and turn up at yours.

Definitely tell him by text that he won't be seeing the children, too. Not by phone or in person. That's a conversation which can't possibly go well, so why expose yourself to it?

Good luck. You're doing the right thing.

[Gooseforchristmas]

I was advised not to contact ex in this situation. The social worker told him

[category12]

Talk to your case worker and phone the non-emergency police line to tell them he's likely to kick off tonight. Don't contact him, let the social worker or police deal with it.

[thethoughtfox]

Call 101 and ask for them to tell him or for someone to be with you when you tell him / when you are meant to see him. Good luck.

[IonaMumsnet]

Hi OP. We're pleased to see you've had lots of good advice here. We'd echo what others have said. Do stay safe and speak to the police if you're at all concerned. We also thought there might be some information here that may be of use.

[kittybiscuits]

Please don't tell him yourself unless you are advised to do so by social care. Be safe