Feeling resentful about parents lack of emotional support

[bluestardressinggown]

I have always had a very difficult relationship with my parents.

My dad is extremely distant to the extent that I believe he might be suffering from some kind of personality disorder or mental health problem. Since I can remember he has been prone to frequent screaming fits (literally roaring at the top of his voice), stamping his feet etc if he doesn't get his own way or is frustrated with something. I remember him doing this a lot in public as well, and the shame and humiliation of having people stopping and staring at us. He also does this thing of violently and vigorously scratching his face and scalp, and he will also rub his face really hard too. His whole face contorts and grimaces whilst he does this, and it is like he is having some sort of fit which he can't control. Again I remember him getting into these 'fits' in public, I remember one time being on a train and a man just staring at him horrified from across the aisle. I felt simultaneously really embarrassed and really angry at the man for staring. He also has a big problem with eye contact, often when I will initiate a conversation with him he will literally turn completely the opposite direction, so that his back is facing me, and answer me that way. He often doesn't 'hear' or 'see' me, I will go up to him and ask him something etc and he will literally behave like I am not there, his eyes are completely glazed over and it takes quite an effort to get his attention. He has been like this since I was a child. If you disagree with him or stand up to him he completely loses his shit, screaming and shouting and swearing. He was extremely critical of me right up until my late twenties, implying pretty strongly he thought I was stupid or just rolling his eyes etc. He has a couple of long term hobbies which are his absolute obsession and gets very frustrated and angry if he cannot pursue them. He is extremely anti social, he banned my mum from having dinner parties or inviting her friends round etc because he hates socialising although he does have some local friends he has down the pub, but he kind of kept us hidden from them for years i.e. they would invite him and our family to their barbecues, he would go on his own but never with us. It is only in recent years that my mum has been going to certain events with these friends. My mum once told me that she read some feedback that his colleagues had made of him in some sort of team building day at work. They said that he was very distant, very difficult to get to know. My mum, years ago, went along to a work night with him and she was really upset that many of his colleagues were surprised to find out that he had a wife and kids - it is odd that he would never mention family etc. Anyway, as you can imagine, having a dad like this has had a massive effect on me. I was extremely shy as a child, even around extended family. I suppose I just felt like I wasn't allowed to talk or be myself. I feared and expected rejection and that is something that I still battle with today.

My mum has always chosen to be in complete denial about the state of her husband. She denies everything that he does. She minimises his behaviour, tells me things that have happened didn't happen etc. It drives me mad. She can also be very manipulative and nasty to me. When I was a teenager, around 14/15, I became extremely withdrawn, no longer socialised, wouldn't wash for literally weeks at a time (my neck was grey because I didn't wash), I went from being academically very good (good grades etc) to going right down to the bottom and leaving with really bad GCSEs. For my last year at school, I had one of the worst attendance rates for the whole year, I just stayed home in my bedroom. She never asked me if I was OK or try to help me. She never stuck up for me when my dad was going nuts. I tried unsuccessfully over the years how it all made me feel and she would say that 'I was born different' and that I was being abusive for saying such things (I didn't shout or swear or anything, just told her what happened and how it made me feel).

Over the years, I guess because of my relationship with them I have had some pretty goddamn awful relationships. Shoddy friendships and shoddier romantic relationships. First boyfriend was extremely controlling. Had another who totally used me. The father of my child is currently under police investigation for abuse against our child. I've made some pretty bad choices. Of course it is my responsibility but I also think that the prototype for relationships I had growing up was that I was unimportant and that my feelings aren't worth anything and therefore I should just shut up and put up.

When my child was a baby, I got some counselling and I also went through a period of non-contact with my parents for over a year. This ended when a family member died and I attended the funeral and saw them there. Since then we have tried to start up a relationship again. It has been much better, they understand boundaries better I think.

I have more or less got to the stage where I can just accept that they will never be the parents that I need/want. They are incapable to providing emotional support etc. They can't really help who they are. But sometimes it does make me feel really resentful when I look back at the things that happened, and as a parent not really understand how you could treat your own child like that. Sometimes when I snap at my own child I feel terribly guilty afterwards etc. It also drives me up the wall when they give their parenting advice.

I am having a really difficult time at the moment and I thought I had managed to put this resentment behind me, but it seems to have really flared up again the last few days. So sorry that this is so bloody long, and if you managed to get to the end of it probably think, bloody hell how 'woe is me' can you get. I guess I just need to vent at the moment.

[SandyY2K]

I'm sorry you had such a bad childhood experience. No wonder it's affected you in adulthood.

If it was me, I'd just go back to no or very low contact with your mum.

They don't add any value to your life.

[SexNamesRFab]

Both your parents sound very troubled. I'm not sure you and your DC really gain anything from being in contact with them? Apart from fresh grief for the childhood you wish you had?

[SexNamesRFab]

That sounded a bit cold. I'm sorry you had such a tough time. From the sounds of it you've turned out remarkably well considering!! I'd stick with counselling and try to give yourself and your DC the love and recognition you deserve