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Advise please - I dont know what to do!

(18 Posts)
Lavenderblu1 Sat 20-May-17 15:05:27

Hi
I found out this year that I've got CLL/SLL (leukaemia/lymphoma). (no treatment just watch and wait). Husband was so supportive while going to all initial appointments etc. I pushed any past problems we'd had aside as I thought all that matters is he's here to support me (and kids). I asked him at the time of my diagnosis to make sure he gets fit and sorts his diet out, so he's healthy and fit to take care of us 3. And he kept saying to me - its our turn to take care of you now. Couple of months ago I noticed his behaviour changing and slipping back into bad habits (coming in late, never here at weekends, not going to gym etc). He said he went to see counsellor last week who said it sounds like we need a break from each other!!? I said I want him here helping me especially at weekends, but instead he chooses to be out on bike. (I get so tired by the evenings.) I said doesn't he see how hurtful that is to me that he'd rather be out than at home.
He bit my head off the other week when I found a receipt for something really expensive (we are talking couple thousand pounds!!). When we haven't got the money!!! He accused me of snooping - the receipt was in the money/keys pot we leave by the front door!!
Then we had a talk. He said he can't face things - almost comparing my diagnosis with his dad's lung cancer!!! (I'm certainly not terminal and I'm doing everything I can to be fit and strong.) And teenager given us typical teenager problems. And he said 'I feel like I've only got 15 good years left . . .' and he trailed off - does he mean he doesn't want to spend it with me?? (I'm 46 and he's 47). But I said how can I ring him and say 'come home I need you as I feel rough' if I think he can't handle it! I also explained that all I've ever done is support him and I've always handled any family problems and left him free to deal with his business, and that now I'm the one who needs support.
(I also said this to him 3 years ago - I'd kept saying that I was feeling more needy as I was getting older, and that the odd cup of tea in bed would be nice etc. and I said to him then that if he wasn't happy he should leave. but he assured me that he wanted to stay).
I asked him today what he wants to do about us - he said he thinks we need some time apart. He's already out this afternoon and evening and staying at friends the night, and out all day tomorrow. So I told him to think then tell me what he plans to do.
I could cope with just one of these things - but coping with this and my illness I'm struggling with and can't stop crying.
I'm not sure how I should handle it :-((

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Sat 20-May-17 15:08:55

Sounds like he has an ow I am afraid. .
At a time you need him most he has made overnight arrangements that don't include you. .
He is giving you false hope that things can work out when in fact he has checked out of the relationship already.
flowers

ElspethFlashman Sat 20-May-17 15:12:43

He is preparing you for him leaving. This is all him seeding the ground so when he does leave he can say "I TOLD you"

He's gone already. He's not your friend.

JustMumNowNotMe Sat 20-May-17 15:39:54

I'm so sorry OP. "I've only got 15 good years left"?! What a thing to say to your wife! Like he doesn't want to "waste" them with you if your going to be ill?! angry

I too think it sounds like he has an OW.

Start preparing now for if he decides to leave- copies of financial stuff etc in case you need them. What a shit angry

Lavenderblu1 Sat 20-May-17 16:33:29

Thank you for your replies. I really don't think he is seeing someone else. I know who he's with this evening and he's told me where he's going - so I could easily go along and check. He's work partner is younger than him and has got his own place so that's who he goes out with ( and they've both got motorbikes so they do trips together). Last year he was always texting our friends husbands and asking them to go out for a beer - but they'd always say - 'no it's a school night' or 'no it's Sunday which is family day!!' I'm so stressed about it all. Thank god for my 2 girls!

TheAntiBoop Sat 20-May-17 16:38:01

Does he take any responsibility at all for his children?

Lavenderblu1 Sat 20-May-17 17:05:10

Hi, yes, he took youngest clay pigeon shooting last weekend (though that's he's hobby not something she particularly wants to do again). I think he's more interested in doing what makes him happy. Even after we spoke the other day, he then said he was going out for a meal - I said even though we've just said you spend too much time away from home - so in the end he didn't go.

TheAntiBoop Sat 20-May-17 17:08:15

So how would your life change if you separated?

Joysmum Sat 20-May-17 21:50:51

Firstly what struck me is that you said you pushed previous problems aside when you were diagnosed, not that you dealt with them. I can't help feeling that this would be a contributory factor in the mix of what's happening now.

Secondly, my mum has a rare form of non-hodgkinsons lymphoma. It can't be cured but it can be managed and shouldn't kill her. However, I'm very fearful before every 3 monthly appointment, it doesn't get easier. My mum is the person I'd normally talk to about my fears in life but I couldn't in case it worries her. I talk to my dh and he understands how being fearful feels because he's lost both his parents and neither ending was a good one. Despite the fact that she shouldn't be terminal, he understands my fear, cares that I feel that badly, and doesn't go into competitive who should feel worse mode.

I'm sorry that sounds harsh and I'm aware my own experiences have coloured my impression of your post, but it reads like you're not understanding of the stress your condition placed him under or allowing him to feel fearful. There's only so much of that anyone can take and 3 years+ is a long time.

Of course, I'm very much influenced by my situation, but in a healthy relationship people need to be able to freely express their fears, and the other person can empathise and wants to ease that pain. It's seems that neither of you is open to the woes of the other, you've already said you've pushed yours from pre-diagnosis aside and it appears like he might be doing the same. In addition neither of you are sympathetic or wanting to help one another.

Unless you can find a way to be able to listen to each other, acknowledge the feelings of the other, and want to make the other person feel better, you are only going through the motions and blaming each other for any shortfalls.

The question is, do you both want to?

As I said, I might be completely wise if the mark and if I am, please ignore and don't take it personally as I don't know you personally flowers

Starstarbright599 Sat 20-May-17 21:58:35

I'm so sorry. Google it on the internet 'spouse abandonment' its so common when the wife is sick but apparently when the guy is sick a marriage gets stronger! It's all so unfair.
Thinking of you flowers

Starstarbright599 Sat 20-May-17 22:10:10

Sorry you have to put in sickness for the search terms too
www.oprah.com/relationships/why-men-leave-sick-wives-facing-illness-alone-couples-and-cancer

www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2076273/The-men-walk-wives-ill.html

Lavenderblu1 Sat 20-May-17 22:29:33

Thank you Joysmum
I do understand where you are coming from. Like your mum I have checkups every 3 months so of course that in itself is stressful. It's just that he's the one person I want to come home to and completely be myself with - other people always ask how I am and I always say fine and I'm continually putting on a front for the kids. I don't think that asking for the little shows of kindness (odd cuppa in bed) is too much. In December last year, my birthday, the night before he said 'sorry I haven't even got you a card as I haven't had time', and I'm not a materialistic person at all, but he could've at least made me a cup of tea or emptied dishwasher. A couple of days later I said how hurt I was by it - he said that to be honest he didn't want to get me anything. He's just texted me to say he loves me! I'm so confused!

Joysmum Sat 20-May-17 23:09:57

Perhaps it's the right time to both try having a full and frank conversation since he's said that.

Maybe start with 'I love you so much but it's clear we both aren't happy. We need to work out if we can change things so we can both be happy again.'

I wish you every luck Lavender living with a condition isn't easy for you, or you family. It's going to be stressful. I just hope you can find your way forwards again flowers

SandyY2K Sat 20-May-17 23:16:40

It doesn't sound like he loves you TBH. He might care for you, but his actions aren't screaming love to me.

Lavenderblu1 Sun 21-May-17 08:13:30

Thank you everyone for your help. It's always nice to know there are people out there ready to listen!
He came back at 8am this morning, got changed and straight back out again. I think yes he cares but if you really love someone you don't intentionally choose to do things you know will upset them. I'll let you know how it goes !

Thinkingofausername1 Sun 21-May-17 18:30:34

I wonder if he has been having an affair before your diagnosis a horrible way to treat you op. You deserve better flowers

Cricrichan Sun 21-May-17 20:14:17

It could be that he's scared of losing you and is distancing himself away?

Changedname3456 Sun 21-May-17 21:42:15

I suspect the combination of your illness and his uncle's has probably spurred his own sense of mortality and, rather than focus on you and the girls, he's focusing on himself. The "15 good years left" jibe with that.

It's pretty shit that he's reacted like this, but it's not that uncommon for people to act on purely selfish grounds when they get this in their heads. I've read about a woman recently who was given a 2-3 year prognosis. The very first thing she did was start divorcing her husband.

I think you need to focus on what's best for you and the dc. It doesn't sound like he's going to be much help to you and perhaps there'd be some small comfort in taking control of the situation? You're not going to be able to force or even persuade him to change his feelings.

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