Hi
I found out this year that I've got CLL/SLL (leukaemia/lymphoma). (no treatment just watch and wait). Husband was so supportive while going to all initial appointments etc. I pushed any past problems we'd had aside as I thought all that matters is he's here to support me (and kids). I asked him at the time of my diagnosis to make sure he gets fit and sorts his diet out, so he's healthy and fit to take care of us 3. And he kept saying to me - its our turn to take care of you now. Couple of months ago I noticed his behaviour changing and slipping back into bad habits (coming in late, never here at weekends, not going to gym etc). He said he went to see counsellor last week who said it sounds like we need a break from each other!!? I said I want him here helping me especially at weekends, but instead he chooses to be out on bike. (I get so tired by the evenings.) I said doesn't he see how hurtful that is to me that he'd rather be out than at home.
He bit my head off the other week when I found a receipt for something really expensive (we are talking couple thousand pounds!!). When we haven't got the money!!! He accused me of snooping - the receipt was in the money/keys pot we leave by the front door!!
Then we had a talk. He said he can't face things - almost comparing my diagnosis with his dad's lung cancer!!! (I'm certainly not terminal and I'm doing everything I can to be fit and strong.) And teenager given us typical teenager problems. And he said 'I feel like I've only got 15 good years left . . .' and he trailed off - does he mean he doesn't want to spend it with me?? (I'm 46 and he's 47). But I said how can I ring him and say 'come home I need you as I feel rough' if I think he can't handle it! I also explained that all I've ever done is support him and I've always handled any family problems and left him free to deal with his business, and that now I'm the one who needs support.
(I also said this to him 3 years ago - I'd kept saying that I was feeling more needy as I was getting older, and that the odd cup of tea in bed would be nice etc. and I said to him then that if he wasn't happy he should leave. but he assured me that he wanted to stay).
I asked him today what he wants to do about us - he said he thinks we need some time apart. He's already out this afternoon and evening and staying at friends the night, and out all day tomorrow. So I told him to think then tell me what he plans to do.
I could cope with just one of these things - but coping with this and my illness I'm struggling with and can't stop crying.
I'm not sure how I should handle it :-((
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Advise please - I dont know what to do!
Lavenderblu1 · 20/05/2017 15:05
Sounds like he has an ow I am afraid. .
At a time you need him most he has made overnight arrangements that don't include you. .
He is giving you false hope that things can work out when in fact he has checked out of the relationship already.
I'm so sorry OP. "I've only got 15 good years left"?! What a thing to say to your wife! Like he doesn't want to "waste" them with you if your going to be ill?! 
I too think it sounds like he has an OW.
Start preparing now for if he decides to leave- copies of financial stuff etc in case you need them. What a shit
Firstly what struck me is that you said you pushed previous problems aside when you were diagnosed, not that you dealt with them. I can't help feeling that this would be a contributory factor in the mix of what's happening now.
Secondly, my mum has a rare form of non-hodgkinsons lymphoma. It can't be cured but it can be managed and shouldn't kill her. However, I'm very fearful before every 3 monthly appointment, it doesn't get easier. My mum is the person I'd normally talk to about my fears in life but I couldn't in case it worries her. I talk to my dh and he understands how being fearful feels because he's lost both his parents and neither ending was a good one. Despite the fact that she shouldn't be terminal, he understands my fear, cares that I feel that badly, and doesn't go into competitive who should feel worse mode.
I'm sorry that sounds harsh and I'm aware my own experiences have coloured my impression of your post, but it reads like you're not understanding of the stress your condition placed him under or allowing him to feel fearful. There's only so much of that anyone can take and 3 years+ is a long time.
Of course, I'm very much influenced by my situation, but in a healthy relationship people need to be able to freely express their fears, and the other person can empathise and wants to ease that pain. It's seems that neither of you is open to the woes of the other, you've already said you've pushed yours from pre-diagnosis aside and it appears like he might be doing the same. In addition neither of you are sympathetic or wanting to help one another.
Unless you can find a way to be able to listen to each other, acknowledge the feelings of the other, and want to make the other person feel better, you are only going through the motions and blaming each other for any shortfalls.
The question is, do you both want to?
As I said, I might be completely wise if the mark and if I am, please ignore and don't take it personally as I don't know you personally
I'm so sorry. Google it on the internet 'spouse abandonment' its so common when the wife is sick but apparently when the guy is sick a marriage gets stronger! It's all so unfair.
Thinking of you
Perhaps it's the right time to both try having a full and frank conversation since he's said that.
Maybe start with 'I love you so much but it's clear we both aren't happy. We need to work out if we can change things so we can both be happy again.'
I wish you every luck Lavender living with a condition isn't easy for you, or you family. It's going to be stressful. I just hope you can find your way forwards again
I wonder if he has been having an affair before your diagnosis a horrible way to treat you op. You deserve better
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