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How to move on after fallout with family?

(6 Posts)
SexNamesRFab Wed 17-May-17 23:57:36

I am the poster whose mum and sister had an actual physical fight as I was serving up dinner to family on Xmas eve. They were upstairs in my house, I will never know who started it/what really happened. They've always had a rocky relationship, but this was a new low and I haven't really been able to forgive either of them since.

I let my mum see my DC, as they adore her and she's good to them. I don't spend any time with her that I don't absolutely have to (I.e. Dropping the DC off). She is critical and lacks self awareness.

I've text my sister but have only seen her once. She's had a tough year, health wise, but again I can't bring myself to be around her. She has a violent temper, is v entitled and resents me for being (she thinks) the golden child.

It's nearly June, and I just can't believe our family has broken down so completely. I have 2 daughters and it would break my heart if we ended up like this. It's starting to make me feel so sad, but I just don't know how to move on. My dad has managed to not to get dragged into it - what a bloody saint. I just feel stuck and have no clue how to move on?

Aquamarine1029 Thu 18-May-17 01:23:05

First of all, don't make the problems between your mother and sister your problem. Approach both of them as individuals. You can NOT fix what is wrong between them. If you can't deal with your sister, so be it. Don't let her issues poison your life.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 18-May-17 07:01:09

What aquamarine wrote re your mother and sister. No good will come of you getting involved and either one will turn on you. Toxic people like your mother like nothing more than a fight and the last word.

Re your comment:-
"I let my mum see my DC, as they adore her and she's good to them. I don't spend any time with her that I don't absolutely have to (I.e. Dropping the DC off). She is critical and lacks self awareness".

This decision may backfire on you in the long run primarily because she is critical and lacks self awareness. She was not a good parent to you and she may well now be repeating the same dysfunctional dynamic with your children. One of them may well become more favoured at the expense of the above. Your reasons for them seeing her at all are very flimsy and do not stand up to further scrutiny.

You also do not want to see her so what message does that send your children as well?. It shows them that it is ok for their mum to be disrespected by their nan.

You need to apply firm and consistent boundaries re your parents and sister. This whole dynamic likely goes back to your own childhood too; you have probably been both the scapegoat and golden child on occasion. Unfortunately as well the golden child role is one not without price either.

I would not absolve your father here in all this; he is really the bystrander in all this along with her willing enabler and hatchet man. He has patently failed to protect your sister and you from her over the years.

SexNamesRFab Thu 18-May-17 17:21:31

It's all so black and white when I write it down....

If I cut out my sister, I lose my 2 lovely nephews. Of course she's not horrible all the time - very rarely. But once every couple of years she loses her rag and I am left stunned and disgusted by her rage and lack of self control.

My mum would do anything for me and my girls. But she's turning into a critical old woman (she's not alone, my friends and DHs mums can be like this too). I just can't bring myself to be around her any more than I have to.

What makes me saddest is that my DDs fight (8yo and 6yo). My youngest, in particular, gets angry and lashes out. It breaks my heart to think we could end up repeating the same pattern.

SeaEagleFeather Fri 19-May-17 07:29:05

At 6 and 8 that's pretty well normal! Just because your mother and sister stayed stuck at age 8, doesn't mean your children will.

What aquamarine said, don't make their problem your problem. But give yourself time to be sad for the family relationships you'd -like- to have instead of the ones you do. Talk to a friend or someone for support, that can really help.

But your children fighting is normal. If you model self - control (unlike your sister) and work on good conflict resolution the chances are that your children will grow up knowing how to deal with conflict constructively.

The way the schools here teach conflict resolution for 6+ is to get each child to say what happened and how it made them feel and then try to sort it out themselves with Mum to support them in this.

My bio. family is terrible at conflict resolution and it's been a long process for me to learn how to handle it but I more or less got there. Just because your mother and sister don't know how to, doesn't mean your children are condemned. They will learn a great deal more from your example than from their aunt and grandmother .. And they are only 6 and 8!

SexNamesRFab Fri 19-May-17 19:48:34

Thank you all so much for replying. I only have one friend I can really confuse in about it, and she's much more forgiving than me, and poor DH is sick of hearing about it. I'm too ashamed to talk about it with most people, as it all sounds so Jeremy Kyle.

They're all off to a family funeral on Monday - I'm giving it a wide berth, as I made a vow to myself after Xmas that I wouldn't get involved in the drama. You're right in that I'm grieving for the family I wish I'd had.

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