I'm not ready, am I?

[Outedlasttimenamechangeagain]

I have posted a few times on here about me leaving an abusive relationship.

The latest update is I have been asked on a date, the man in question I met through a friend. We speak every day through text and he seems like a nice guy (my friend doesn't know him too well either) he's asked me out for coffee tomorrow.

My issue is, I feel as though I am not truly over everything that happened with my ex, I still think of him and his new girlfriend daily, although I don't want to speak to him again I still feel hurt at how he treated me.

The other problem is, I'm scared to start something new, I felt like I couldn't say no to this new guy (not through anything he's done but because I wasn't really allowed to say no to my ex) so I don't know how to put boundaries in place. I don't even know if I want something new yet.

All this tells me I'm not ready, but I can't think of a way to tell him that without lying to protect myself (he knows nothing of my ex) my friends think I need a rebound, but it seems unfair to drag a nice guy into this mess.

How do I find a way to cancel the date without lying but also without my anxiety flaring up because I'm telling the truth?

This may seem like a none issue to many but to me, this is a big deal. Sorry for the long post.

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

This is a great chance to practise defending your boundaries! Just say: "I'm sorry, I'm not in a position to date right now."

Don't explain further. Don't even talk about it further. You don't owe him any more than that.

[Iflyaway]

my friends think I need a rebound

I think your "friends" are not acting in your best interests.

Take time for yourself and learn to put boundaries in place.

Not really fair on the guy either if you are carrying too much baggage before you have dealt with it.

It's o.k. to be alone a while to process what happened to you and come to terms with it before getting back out there.

Wish you all the best been there too

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

Cloud and Townsend's book on boundaries is helpful if you're not used to the idea.

[Rugratstruggles]

Yes to precious posters advice.

I'm not ready to meet up with anyone at the moment but thanks for asking. The only reason I wouldn't say "see" anyone is that he might reply with "well it was just a coffee not seeing" and then you may relent.

I think a rebound has a time and a place but it's not for you.

[JK1773]

I agree. Use it as a first step towards putting your boundaries back. If he's decent he'll understand. You could always try getting back in touch at a later date but you're not ready. You'll just be worrying the whole time and if you are struggling to say no you might find yourself steamrolled into something you don't want and that's not good for either of you. The relief you will feel when you've cancelled will be huge. Hope you're feeling better soon

[Outedlasttimenamechangeagain]

charlotte I wish I felt confident enough to say that to him, but I don't. I will definitely get that book.

Ifly I agree it's not fair to him, and I have told my friends as much. I do need time alone I can't be in a relationship right now.

I shouldn't have even kept up texting him, but I guess I got lonely. It was a stupid thing to do.

[Outedlasttimenamechangeagain]

JK I do think he'll understand. I don't know why I'm so anxious about saying it though.

[Outedlasttimenamechangeagain]

rugrats I have just seen your post, I see what you're saying. If I can pull up my big girl pants and say that then I will use that wording.

This is all so complicated.

[JK1773]

Because it sounds like you are used to just doing as you are asked/told. It's a big step to say no but this man is not your ex. I'm sure he'd rather not be messed about if you're not ready. Try to be brave, you will feel better x

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

You don't have to feel confident. You feel the fear and do it anyway. Fake it till you make it.

It's the right thing to do. It's honest, it doesn't get him more involved than you should.

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

Looking in the bright side, not feeling comfortable saying no to a date at least makes it crystal clear that you are not ready for dating!

[Outedlasttimenamechangeagain]

Thank you all,

I spent a lot of time thinking over your replies last night and decided I will be texting him later to say it's not the right time.

What you said Jk about not messing him around has really hit home and Charlotte you're so right about the bright side.

[JK1773]

Good luck, and be kind to yourself

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

Oh, that's great.

Being single is brilliant. Especially if you've got lousy memories of past relationships to compare it with! Remember to treat yourself regularly. Just watching TV when I chose (in peace) was a huge treat for ages...