I really don't know whether posting this is the right thing to do. But I'm struggling in my marriage and general life - Big time. I have a few people who are aware of it in RL who have tried to help. But I guess I need to just get as much out as I can. Now even sure what I'm hoping to achieve from this. Perhaps to just vent?
I don't even feel like I can go into all of the details yet (as much as I've admitted it to myself, I don't think I can bring myself to write it all down). It's mainly emotional abuse, but sometimes it gets violent. I have also attacked him when he cornered me, I felt threatened, I went for him.
I have a history of substance abuse (clean 5 years) and bipolar and really do not feel good a lot of the time. If I do feel good, he brings me straight back down again. He's suspicious of everything I do, everyone I see and anything I say.
He is very overbearing, he won't let me be on my own for longer than 30 seconds, he questions my behaviour, thinks he hears me say something different to what I've said, very clingy etc.
He does seem to be struggling with anxiety and is not happy with his appearance. I keep trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and hoping he'll get better. I have asked him to seek help, but I know full well that he needs to want it on his own.
If I saw my relationship from the outside looking in, I would be telling myself to leave. Just as I've told others in the past. I have tried in the past. But it never actually actually happens. Sometimes I feel like my only options of escape are: my death, his death or drugs.
The problem is, I do actually love him and I know he loves me. Neither of us are the person we were at the start of the relationship though. His best friend has been supporting me and has also come over to help diffuse violent arguments. My husband does not like our friendship.
There's a lot of stuff I haven't included here, which also complicates it. But as I said before, it's something I'm struggling to come to terms with.
He has a son, who we see regularly. But he does not witness the violence. There are no other children involved. He knows that I use Mumsnet, but i don't think he uses it.
I can only check my phone when he's not around. And he does look through it. But if anyone has been where I am perhaps they could tell me there's no hope or it gets better?
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My marriage is fucked and I can't leave.
5 replies
torthecatlady · 25/04/2017 12:21
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