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My marriage is fucked and I can't leave.

(6 Posts)
torthecatlady Tue 25-Apr-17 12:21:01

I really don't know whether posting this is the right thing to do. But I'm struggling in my marriage and general life - Big time. I have a few people who are aware of it in RL who have tried to help. But I guess I need to just get as much out as I can. Now even sure what I'm hoping to achieve from this. Perhaps to just vent?

I don't even feel like I can go into all of the details yet (as much as I've admitted it to myself, I don't think I can bring myself to write it all down). It's mainly emotional abuse, but sometimes it gets violent. I have also attacked him when he cornered me, I felt threatened, I went for him.

I have a history of substance abuse (clean 5 years) and bipolar and really do not feel good a lot of the time. If I do feel good, he brings me straight back down again. He's suspicious of everything I do, everyone I see and anything I say.

He is very overbearing, he won't let me be on my own for longer than 30 seconds, he questions my behaviour, thinks he hears me say something different to what I've said, very clingy etc.

He does seem to be struggling with anxiety and is not happy with his appearance. I keep trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and hoping he'll get better. I have asked him to seek help, but I know full well that he needs to want it on his own.

If I saw my relationship from the outside looking in, I would be telling myself to leave. Just as I've told others in the past. I have tried in the past. But it never actually actually happens. Sometimes I feel like my only options of escape are: my death, his death or drugs.

The problem is, I do actually love him and I know he loves me. Neither of us are the person we were at the start of the relationship though. His best friend has been supporting me and has also come over to help diffuse violent arguments. My husband does not like our friendship.

There's a lot of stuff I haven't included here, which also complicates it. But as I said before, it's something I'm struggling to come to terms with.

He has a son, who we see regularly. But he does not witness the violence. There are no other children involved. He knows that I use Mumsnet, but i don't think he uses it.

I can only check my phone when he's not around. And he does look through it. But if anyone has been where I am perhaps they could tell me there's no hope or it gets better?

Ratbagcatbag Tue 25-Apr-17 12:24:31

Why can you not leave?

I've just left my 16 year relationship/marriage and have a 4 year old. It's tough, without a doubt and making the decision was awful, however now I'm out the other side I'm so happy I've done it. My ex was also nowhere near as bad as yours, not at all.

If you have no children, why stay? flowers

UmizoomiBananaRamama Tue 25-Apr-17 12:24:42

I think you already know the answer, OP.

goneanonymous Tue 25-Apr-17 12:32:01

I was just looking at this old saved nn and advance searched myself. I found a thread from almost exactly three years ago where I had finally got the courage up to get my then DH to leave. It was terrifying and I was so upset but it HAD to be done or frankly I would have ended up doing myself some harm. I was in a similar situation to you with horrible emotional abuse. And now? I am FREE, it's amazing, I am me again, I am happy again and I feel I have self worth.

You can do this. You HAVE to do this. If you have no children it will be a million times easier than it was for me and I was a drip, spineless and terrified but I did it and you can too.

thethoughtfox Tue 25-Apr-17 12:56:09

There is hope: hope for you to leave, get over this in time and rebuild your life.

Adora10 Tue 25-Apr-17 13:08:47

This is not love OP, it sounds like co dependency.

Your life is full of negatives as long as you allow this cretin to dictate your future then there is zero hope; probably he will become worse with the emotional and physical abuse, not one person on here is going to tell you different.

Until you realise that what you are in is completely dysfunctional and toxic there is no hope of you finding happiness with this cretin, he's not even worthy of calling a man; a man does not abuse a woman, simple as.

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