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Trust

(8 Posts)
RainbowFloss Sat 22-Apr-17 19:05:50

I've done something stupid. I opened a letter for DH and have found out he is being taken to court for a financial issue. I KNOW I shouldn't have opened the letter but I struggle to trust DH and could tell it was a court letter.

So as not to drip feed, this stems from about 18 months ago when I found DH had been on various dating sites (he had a profile but hadn't messaged anyone). We worked through this and I thought now our relationship was better than ever. The DC are a bit older, DH has a new job and we seem happier.

Anyway, I was expecting DH to tell me about the situation when he opened the letter. He didn't. I've left it a week thinking he would tell me. He hasn't. I've also had a conversation with him around this where he had opportunity to tell me and he didn't, which to me is lying.

So I now have a problem; this situation itself but also much wider questions because of what happened before. I'm really hurt that he hasn't told me. He'd be the first one I'd want to speak to if I had a problem. I'm also thinking if he's lied about this to my face, what else is he lying about.

I don't know what to do. I don't want DH going through this alone but at the moment I'm really mad at him for lying again.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 22-Apr-17 19:14:25

I would throw the book at him and then make plans to separate from him for good now. He has been given an opportunity to talk to you about this and he has not done so.

Your children likely know far more than you care to realise about the parlous state of your relationship; I would no longer do my bit to show them that this treatment of you is at all acceptable to you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 22-Apr-17 19:16:06

"I don't want DH going through this alone"

And why not?.

He has not told you about this letter so he is in effect going through this on his own. He needs and has to be responsible for his own actions here.

pallasathena Sat 22-Apr-17 23:00:39

Stop being a doormat OP and find your inner warrior.

RainbowFloss Sun 23-Apr-17 18:55:35

I'd say in real life I don't present as a doormat, especially professionally.

I've just read an old post under a previous user name about the dating sites. I'd forgotten he'd admitted to starting it a year after we'd been together.

My marriage is just a big fucking lie isn't it?

I don't know what to do. He's working away at the moment so I've got some head space.

Most of the time now it's good. But I just don't trust him and with valid reason too.

What do I do? The DC are still young and I'm not sure I could do it alone.

ImperialBlether Sun 23-Apr-17 18:58:21

He needed to be dumped over the dating site.

What is the financial issue? Is he just putting his head in the sand?

RainbowFloss Sun 23-Apr-17 20:16:19

Yes, financial issue is partly about him putting his head in the sand but also about him not taking responsibility.

Believe me, if a friend was telling me all this, I'd think they were ridiculous not to have LTB. I suppose there is part of me that loves him. or more possibly loves what our marriage could be.

It's wanting the bloody fairytale. I know I sound pathetic. When I look at what I was like when we got together, physically and mentally, I am in a much worse place now.

Part of me thinks I want too much. I don't think I know what a good relationship looks like.

Joysmum Sun 23-Apr-17 21:17:06

A relationship is a partnership and it's quality should be judged when times are tough. Yours isn't a partnership.

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