My daughter/ his step daughter

[Zazu44]

Hi lovely MN's really need some advice. I've been in a relationship with my partner for over 6 years, living together for 3and a half with my now 16 neatly 17 year old. It's been problematic on and off with DP and DD since we moved in but I've had enough. AIBU. she is lovely he is lovely but she drives him crazy with things like untidyness, anxiety and generally being a teenager. He is very much tough love and I'm the opposite. She doesn't have a good relationship with her dad and is very cool often to my DP but is fine with me. They just clash and I'm fed up with being stuck in the middle. He is a complete pessimist about life in general and I always like to look for the good. We've been on the edge of separating several times always over DD ( im very much a mumma Bear with all my children) DP has never had his 2 DC live with him so I do think it's been a shock and learning curve but we do come as a pair me and DD When it's just me and DP we get on great but today it's. low. Up again over her bedroom and curtains not being pulled right that I just flipped and said I would move out with DD! AIBU?

[quicklydecides]

You are not remotely a mumma bear.
For years you have forced your young daughter to live with a man who hates her just so you can live with a man who loves you.
Fucking shameful.
Of course you should move out.

[Cricrichan]

I think it's not that unusual to be exasperated with a messy teen (or anyone). Make sure that it's fair to both, that your teen pulls her weight and tries harder to be tidy but that your oh goes easy on her because the way her curtains are drawn is completely anal .

[Zazu44]

To be fair she has pulled them off the rail at one end so of course I'll speak to her about that. It also his DD birthday today and she's coming back from uni to celebrate with us tonight then his son is coming tomorrow for a family breakfast all organised by me. I just want a happy home - which most of the time it is - but it's always like walking on eggshells. I guess we just want to parent differently but I see it as she's my daughter and she matters as much as DP. I'm just tired of everything. Thanks for your advice

[SirVixofVixHall]

She should matter more than your DP, not "as much as".

[llhj]

Well is she off to uni soon? You may only have to manage this for another year or so. Step parents and children often don't get on, such is life I'm afraid.

[Zazu44]

Sorry I meant 'what she wants' matters as much as DP. She is doing A levels now will finish next year

[QuiteLikely5]

Teenagers are not perfect, mess and a bit of defiance are the norm.

He is overthinking this and he should be picking his battles wisely.

Ask him to not look in the bedroom and ask him to let you deal with your daughter. Tell him you want then to enjoy a stress free relationship.

Failing that I just wouldn't put my children in a position where they were made to feel second to my needs.

Do you really want to be with him if he treats your own dd badly?

[Justmadeperfectflapjacks]

He sounds resentful that you have your dd full time when he doesn't have his.
Op you are in a relationship with a man child.
Never a good thing.

[SeaCabbage]

Why have you organised everything for his children? He's not sounding too good so far. Is it because otherwise he wouldn't sort anything out?

[Zazu44]

I just want his DDs birthday to be nice and I know I'll organise it better. He is a nice man and it's been like this for a while, he just very anal about being tidy. DD has caused us lots of heartache in the past but that was over 2 years ago and she's just your everyday teenager now and great company most of the time. I just feel they are small gripes when there are bigger issues in the world, but he disagrees, his own daughter was a nightmare when she was younger but she's lovely now and doesn't take any crap from him but my daughter is quieter and just tends to ignore him. I know step parenting is tricky but I WONT put up with the constant complaining.

[robinofsherwood]

My DHs ex step dad was like this. Almost as soon as we were seriously dating he spent all his awake time at mine, basically only going home to sleep. My mum's house was a home where we werent pulled up on every tiny error. They broke up shortly after DH left home but it took more than a decade for his relationship with his mum to get back on track. If theyd stayed together I doubt wed see them now.

[Ellisandra]

Where's the mummy bear bit?

Three years of her living with a pessimistic arse? Frequent flare ups? Poor kid.

Your child, so your parenting style wins. You shouldn't have moved in with him (or should have moved out after the unsuccessful trial period) if you couldn't agree. I'm all for a boyfriend having an input, giving me advice, pointing out gently if I'm making a stupid decision... but - my child, my way.

Why has he never lived with his own kids? He surely lived with the older one at least until the younger was born?

If you haven't resolved these differences after three YEARS then at least one of you is an arse, and I can't see it changing. So yes - I'd move out, YANBU.

[Ellisandra]

Very telling the bit about his own daughter not taking any crap from him - definitely sounds like he's an arse.

And his lucky daughter - she doesn't have to live with him, and she doesn't have to worry about keeping her mother happy over him.

Unlike your poor daughter, on both counts

[ShiningArmour]

I don't see any mamma bear (what a wanky expression) here either. Why have you put dd through this?

[FerrisMewler]

"she drives him crazy with things like untidyness, anxiety and generally being a teenager"

Why does her anxiety drive him crazy? If I lived with a pessimist who got arsey about how my curtains were pulled over, I'd probably be anxious too.

[Huskylover1]

Why on earth was he in her bedroom?? That should be her sanctuary, he shouldn't ever be in there.

I had similar clashes with my DH and DD. Step parenting is really hard. Teenagers don't want to be told what to do, by someone who isn't their parent. However, you can't expect a step parent to never be able to do some actual parenting, to children that live under their roof. Cue clashed horns and you are stuck in the middle, because you can see both sides, but you are just so fucking fed up of being referee/peace maker.

Fwiw, DD is now at Uni and when she visits everyone gets along brilliantly. She's not a kid any more, so she's no longer pushing boundaries and DH doesn't have to parent. You may find that they get along a lot better once she grows up. Hard to say.