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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is this friendship too close?

26 replies

Montparnasse · 21/04/2017 22:22

This is a thread inspired by another thread about men/women friendships, as it made me wonder if my friendship with one of my male friends is too close. Am interested in advice on this and what it looks like from the outside. I have a DP and he his single.

We talk/message probably most days, and meet up one on one about once a week and often in a group (mutual friends).The messages are initiated equally, often about practical things (we work in the same organisation) but just as often a "how are you?" or "how was your evening?" type chit chat. We talk about quite intense things at times - apart from DP he's the person I am most likely to talk to, and he's said he's told me things he's told no-one else - but it's usually just chatter. It's a very rewarding two way friendship where I feel like he genuinely cares about my well being and I his. He's said he'll always be there for me, and I really appreciate his support.

BUT - while there is definite emotional closeness there is no flirting. He'll point out girls he's attracted to. We go out drinking in a group, but there has never been any contact. He's quite protective of me when out in terms of if other men are around and will always make a point of walking me to a cab etc, which he doesn't do for other girls in the group.

We've had a couple of weird conversations about our friendship in the past - one which was about m/f friendship when I said I didn't see gender in friendship and he said that with me he did but would never make a move as I'm in a relationship and the conversation got all awkward (which we later talked through and moved on as if it hadn't happened), and another which was him essentially reacting badly to me coming across some below par work he'd done due to being embarrassed. It's the only friendship I have where we talk about it as a 'thing', and the only one I have ever had where I have been so aware of both parties working on it when things get odd.

DP knows and doesn't mind. I talk about friend to him a lot and they have met a number of times.

I have been fine about it until seeing the other thread recently, and wondered how it looks from the outside? What do you think?

OP posts:

Report

Sunshineandlaughter · 21/04/2017 22:25

Your friend is in love with you but like he said won't make a move because you are in a relationship. It's above board at this stage but is it really fair on him? You aren't allowing him to move on as he's getting hints there may be a chance with you. You are using the friendship as an ego boost sorry.

Happybunny19 · 21/04/2017 22:28

It looks like your friend fancies you to me.

RainbowJack · 21/04/2017 22:31

To me it sounds like he likes you. And when one persons feelings get involved it usually muddys the nature of the relationship.

And if the intense things you discuss are personal things you don't discuss with your partner, it could be construed as an emotional affair.

However, your DP is fine with it and its his feelings on the situation that should matter most. Does he know your your friend like you? If not, do you think it would change him not minding?

Dozer · 21/04/2017 22:33

You're in a relationship and in emotional affair territory, it's not just friendship IMO.

Montparnasse · 21/04/2017 23:25

But how to know for sure? I feel that he doesn't or I would have noticed surely? The idea of asking mortifies me

OP posts:

Dozer · 21/04/2017 23:27

The fact you're thinking about that, rather than how your actions affect your DP, suggests the "friendship" is inappropriate.

Sunshineandlaughter · 21/04/2017 23:28

Totally agree..!

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/04/2017 23:37

You're allowed to have a good friend. Maybe he does have feelings for you. But if he contains them, it's his business. There is no wrong doing on either side here.

Be prepared for him to vanish when he falls in love with someone available though. Might not happen but it's quite likely.

BigcatLittlecat · 21/04/2017 23:42

Your friend sounds like he is waiting for you.
My best friend is a male and I know for a fact I'm not his type. I knew him long before DH and he is the person after DH who I go to about anything. We speak or text daily and spend time together or with our partners. We say we are brother/sister. Luckily my DH is really cool about our friendship. I think we may be the exception to the rule though.

magoria · 21/04/2017 23:45

He's pretty much told you if you weren't in a relationship he would make a move on you.

I would say that has crossed a boundary as it is a closeness beyond friendship.

MagnumPieEye · 22/04/2017 00:49

Doesn't sound that weird to me. If you're enjoying this friendship, go for it. It's not your responsibility to police his feelings. If they're too strong for him, he should act by backing off.

What I'm saying is - you're in it for friendship and if he's in it for more that's his problem.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 22/04/2017 01:23

To me it sounds like OP isn't in it 'just for friendship' - the fact she really so wants to know whether he has feelings and 'how it looks from the outside' suggests that she really wants to know what his feelings are- which means she's got feelings as well.

By contrast, I have a male friend who had feelings for me initially, and hinted quite a bit (he is in a loveless relationship and at that point was looking for a way out, it seems) - I really winced at all this and after changing the subject a few times, have explained that I'm happy with out friendship but there's nothing else there. I really didn't want to know about his feelings or the extent of them as I don't fancy him, and to me the subject is just unpleasant! Thankfully he didn't go off in a huff and we settled into a friendship without any agenda.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 22/04/2017 01:27

Apart from any speculation though, meeting a male friend once a week IS unusual (on top of daily chats) and I think most people would see it as too close/too much if their partner did this.

redcarbluecar · 22/04/2017 01:30

Sounds like a good friendship. It may become more difficult if he starts a relationship with someone else, so treasure it while you can.

Montparnasse · 22/04/2017 05:13

I guess my comments about not knowing whether or not he has feelings were in response to the pps who suggested that was a litmus test of whether or not the friendship was appropriate, not because it matters to me in itself if that makes sense? And the support does go two ways - it isn't a one sided ego boost.

OP posts:

Dozer · 22/04/2017 07:17

Would you be comfortable for your DP knew the frequency, details of nature of your conversations, messages and timebwith OM? Would OM?

If not, inappropriate.

Montparnasse · 22/04/2017 08:42

I like to think I wouldn't mind but maybe I would - although that's true for other friendships as well when I have open and honest conversations with people who know me well

OP posts:

Montparnasse · 22/04/2017 08:48

I don't know if my friend would mind. In the past he's said he would never discuss dp out of respect (ie if I had problems) but has said more recently that if I had issues, he'd be there for me. I used to talk to dp about friend a lot though often including the minutiae of our conversations as a way of keeping dp in the loop (not in a mentionitis kind of way) but have stopped more recently as dp said it was boring!

OP posts:

MadMags · 22/04/2017 08:52

He fancies you and you know it.

Why else would you mention that you're the only woman in the group whom he escorts to the cab?

Plus, he literally told you and then said he'd do nothing out of respect for your DP.

That was the time to cool the friendship. Are you sure this isn't about an ego boost?

Montparnasse · 22/04/2017 09:10

I suppose it was just to illustrate how good friends we are? It's really not an ego boost though - it is a two way friendship. I wouldn't have posted at all if another thread on here hadn't got me worried

OP posts:

Dozer · 22/04/2017 10:47

It was mentionitis and your DP knew it.

It's a two way emotional affair.

Dozer · 22/04/2017 10:48

Inappropriate to discuss your relationship with DP with male friends IMO.

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MichaelSheensNextDW · 22/04/2017 11:01

Emotional affair. He doesn't just want to be your friend - he's been open about this. To put it very bluntly, you go home to your DP and your 'friend' goes home and has a wank whilst thinking of you.

Montparnasse · 22/04/2017 17:52

Am going away for a couple of weeks, maybe should cool it then? It'll be hard to do though, he's got a few things going on and I want to be a good friend to him

OP posts:

Dozer · 22/04/2017 18:46

You are not his friend, you are a romantic/sexual interest.

He has other friends.

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