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How much or how little should I say to a 19 year old about DH

(11 Posts)
yetmorecrap Thu 20-Apr-17 17:21:11

DS is 19 and doesnt live at home anymore as is in a houseshare. He commented today about me and DH not seeming to be very happy . He is with me for a few days as DH away with work. DS seems to be blaming me because he says I seem a bit withdrawn and always on phone and ipad a lot when DH around (despite the fact DH does this too) and seem a bit "snipey" he is correct of course, I am, but at the moment Im withdrawing slightly because of DH's fairly long term emotional affair from years ago that I was gaslighted on and discovered only a few months ago and I am still unsure whether Im getting out or not. Im at least getting ducks in a row and being less co-dependant etc and answering back --which I never used to do, so of course I look a bit "snipey". Its hard to sit and take it from DS knowing that DH was a shit to me without saying something but I know if I do all hell will let loose and he would probably text his dad etc and I dont want that as have decided if I do go, Im doing it when he is away in the summer. . Any ideas on best things to say to DS who is a sharp lad, without telling him the full score.

tribpot Thu 20-Apr-17 17:26:40

I wouldn't say anything. Just deflect. Like 'you never seem to pay [DH] any attention?' 'oh, I hadn't really noticed <change subject>'.

CatherineHate Thu 20-Apr-17 17:28:50

Depends on your relationship really. My own mum would be 100% honest with me no matter what.

abbsisspartacus Thu 20-Apr-17 17:30:22

I would tell him we have been having problems we are working it out

KarmaNoMore Thu 20-Apr-17 17:44:32

Deflecting works wonderfully with children but adult children may need a little bit more explanation without going into details. Something in the likes of "Relationships have their up and downs and at the moment we are not getting along very well with each other. Please be patient with us, every relationship goes through times like this".

I think that when it comes to adult children, friends, family, etc. It is better to acknowledge the situation even in a very superficial manner rather than pretending everything is absolutely fine (you need or will need support and that wouldn't be forthcoming if people asumes you just wake up on morning and out of no fault of his own, you kicked him out. If they are a bit warned, they won't judge you so harshly).

I

yetmorecrap Thu 20-Apr-17 18:33:21

Ive now said we are having a few issues DS, so things may not exactly be as you are seeing them, and there are reasons for it, he understood that OK and seems to have backed off

WombOfOnesOwn Thu 20-Apr-17 19:06:35

I wonder if your son knew about your husband's affair and has had to keep it a secret for months or years. He may be wondering whether you know, and feeling uncomfortable about the situation he's in where he has to either betray his father and upset you by telling you, or betray you through lying by omission. His repeated questions about it could be trying to get more information on whether you've found out and how much you've found out.

Personally, I'd ask him what he knew. Tell him it's ok and you already know everything now, and you understand why he didn't tell you before even if he knew what was happening. Then see if it turns out the "long term emotional affair" your husband was having was quite a lot more, as they usually are.

yetmorecrap Thu 20-Apr-17 19:11:47

He would only have been 7 to 9 at the time, but Im sure if I do move out and will then tell him, if he did remember anything I think he would say, but he may well not remember that far back. I think to be honest he will be gobsmacked as he knows the person involved too.

Pringlesandwine Thu 20-Apr-17 20:23:12

I was about the same age when one of parents had an affair...I can clearly remember overhearing a phone call made by the parent to the other person one night. My other parent was out. I had no idea what to do with the information so I just kept quiet and worried to myself about what was going on. When it all came to light a few months later I recalled the overheard phone call to my parents and they were both stunned that I had heard and then kept that information to myself.

FritzDonovan Thu 20-Apr-17 23:59:46

I'd be inclined to be honest, though obviously not giving all the details. It's a bit hard to explain, but I wouldn't want ppl thinking he was a lovely man who could do no wrong (for example), if he was actually a deliberate, dishonest cheat. For a few reasons - its wouldn't feel fair to keep his secret when it obviously affects you and your family greatly, and I would want family and friends to know what kind of person he was so they wouldn't give the benefit of the doubt in their dealings with him, as that might not be in their best interests, iyswim
Not sure I explained it very well though.

yetmorecrap Fri 21-Apr-17 01:21:08

Actually Fritzdonovan, I said something similar tonight when he said that dads a good person , I just said that he hasn't always been very kind to me and it's something we are working on and left it at that.

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