'D'H has suffered from an addiction for the last 10 years which reached a peak over the last 5 years. I have taken care of everything and maintained balance throughout this.
I've brought up the kids completely by myself (7, 5 and 2,) I've dealt with his disappearances, his moods, his anger, I've looked after his parents, I've hidden money, I've worked to keep us afloat and to keep things as normal as possible for everyone. I've sympathised during the downs and remained stoic during the ups, but tried not to enable. I've cared for him, allowed him rest when he's needed it, only for him to disappear again on another bender. I've not reacted when he's blamed me for his addiction, then apologised. I've tried to forget my anger and resentment and talk to him when he's needed to confide and open up. I've listened to long, drawn out speeches about giving up and been positive for his sake, then tried to reason with him when he's back on it again only to be met with aggression and having to let go again.
Something has happened over the last few months that has made him stop (I'm not sure what.) He's experienced withdrawal and the full gamut of physical and mental symptoms. He has thought several times he was having a heart attack (nope, just the adrenalin and chest pain.) He has had a lot of anxiety and panic attacks and has reverted to a childlike state of physical dependence on me, i.e. he wants to be around me ALL the time, and he wants to be talking about his feelings ALL the time.
It's always about him. How he's feeling, what he thinks has happened, what he has realised, his past, his future, his health, how he wants to rebond with the DC. Suddenly he is the wise old sage who has fought his demons and won and everyone needs to learn his life lessons.
I should be jumping for joy, but this childlike, patronising state of naval gazing has made me unutterably angry and resentful. It was almost better when he was just out of the house all the time off his face and we didn't know where he was and when I was just getting through and surviving.
Why has he never questioned at any point what this has been like for me? How does he think everything stayed together?
Is this just something that partners of recovering addicts feel? How do you get rid of the feeling?
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'D"H recovering from addiction and I don't know what to do with my anger and resentment
7 replies
wiresintheveins · 18/04/2017 21:00
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