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'D"H recovering from addiction and I don't know what to do with my anger and resentment(8 Posts)
'D'H has suffered from an addiction for the last 10 years which reached a peak over the last 5 years. I have taken care of everything and maintained balance throughout this.
I've brought up the kids completely by myself (7, 5 and 2,) I've dealt with his disappearances, his moods, his anger, I've looked after his parents, I've hidden money, I've worked to keep us afloat and to keep things as normal as possible for everyone. I've sympathised during the downs and remained stoic during the ups, but tried not to enable. I've cared for him, allowed him rest when he's needed it, only for him to disappear again on another bender. I've not reacted when he's blamed me for his addiction, then apologised. I've tried to forget my anger and resentment and talk to him when he's needed to confide and open up. I've listened to long, drawn out speeches about giving up and been positive for his sake, then tried to reason with him when he's back on it again only to be met with aggression and having to let go again.
Something has happened over the last few months that has made him stop (I'm not sure what.) He's experienced withdrawal and the full gamut of physical and mental symptoms. He has thought several times he was having a heart attack (nope, just the adrenalin and chest pain.) He has had a lot of anxiety and panic attacks and has reverted to a childlike state of physical dependence on me, i.e. he wants to be around me ALL the time, and he wants to be talking about his feelings ALL the time.
It's always about him. How he's feeling, what he thinks has happened, what he has realised, his past, his future, his health, how he wants to rebond with the DC. Suddenly he is the wise old sage who has fought his demons and won and everyone needs to learn his life lessons.
I should be jumping for joy, but this childlike, patronising state of naval gazing has made me unutterably angry and resentful. It was almost better when he was just out of the house all the time off his face and we didn't know where he was and when I was just getting through and surviving.
Why has he never questioned at any point what this has been like for me? How does he think everything stayed together?
Is this just something that partners of recovering addicts feel? How do you get rid of the feeling?
Is there a support group near you? Honestly the resentment and anger you feel is very very normal.
Plus you're supposed to trust they won't relapse just because they say they won't despite every other promise being broken in the past.
Unfortunately a person prone to addiction are usually very self centred, frequently self pitying (and often controlling).
It is always about them. It never stops. It is early days. It will get worse and as pp says you need support. You have always needed support but as you say you have been stoic. A lot of people would have walked years ago. Please get support from professionals. You deserve to be happy to.
Ah, the evangelical reformed sinner.
Shame he doesn't realise he's so far behind the curve he couldn't see it with a telescope and time travel.
Everyone is capable of behaving like the shitty self centered wanker he's been for years. Yet they don't..Every day they get up and they don't. Years of emotional and moral laziness cannot be wiped out by a few weeks of abstinence.
He sounds like he's going through 'pink cloud'. Euphoria about having given up. This will be followed by a wall. That's when it becomes really really hard work. When he will just have to put in brute force effort to stay clean and the only reward is being clean and there is the horror of introspection ( probably) without substances to block it.
You do and will need support seek it out right now. Try 'al anon uk'
If he becomes clean he won't be the same person who took up the addiction. He can't be if you think about it.
Nor the person who maintained it.
And if he fails the fallout will be worse than ever.
Take the advice above. You need to set clear boundries of what you can cope with and stick to them. You will need help just to do that. Good luck.
Do you want to always be the supporting role while he takes center stage in his melodrama ?
Why has he never questioned at any point what this has been like for me? How does he think everything stayed together?. Wrong question, the right question is 'why you decided to put up with his crap'?
You're angry because he's taking the credit and you want recognition for your years of martyrdom (decision to enable his behaviour by letting him opt out of your marriage and parenting). The thing about martyrdom is, there are no awards ceremonies and you aren't up for a best actress in a leading role nomination. Instead, you have the rather distasteful realisation, that you played a very big role in your current feelings of resentment and anger.
How do you move forward, by first accepting part responsibility for where you are now and deciding if your marriage was worth your sacrifice.
Don't let bitterness take the baton from martyrdom and waste more years being angry.
Yes your H is an arse but he is the arse you chose to enable.
Woh, Isetan, back up a bit!
Have you heard the phrase 'dry drunk', op? This is what you have before you. He is soooo on course for a relapse.
You could insist he attends the relevant 12 step programme. He'll get all that gross selfishness
bashed out of him effectively, smartly, addressed.
Though i think Isetan's approach is far too brutal, there is some truth in it re enabling. I think it's a minority that consciously enable, the majority end up enabling by default and for a variety of reasons. Go to Al anon where you can address the horrible issues surrounding being tied to an addict.
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