My sex life is doomed, isn't it. [TW*]

[namegechanged]

Will try to keep this short! [update after finishing - I've failed].

*TW - sex-related things

DH is, I think, (grey)asexual, meaning he has NO desire for sex (no porn, no masturbation, no nothing unless I really warm him up). He's also got Aspergers so does not interpret emotions very well. I understood these things after getting married 8 years ago. He thought he was like everyone else but just a bit shy and I wasn't rational.

My background is emotional and physical abuse as a child and lots of sexual assaults and a few rapes as an adult (all before meeting DH). I have complex-PTSD and am in long term treatment for it. I've never hid my background from him.

Sex with him in the beginning was not great, but he was (is!) such a wonderful person and he said he was shy, so I thought over time he'd become more comfortable. That hasn't happened. We haven't had sex for about 4 years because I refuse to "warm him up" every single time. He says he really wants it, but NEVER initiates. He can't even discuss it. Never has asked me what I like in bed, despite me asking him etc. Basically this is the situation, we've had therapy and we're essentially heading for divorce because these issues have resulted in my self-esteem being at the bottom of a sewer (and he can't understand why).

So aside from my assaults and rapes, I also would initiate intimacy with him, get things going and finding it unsatisfactory, just zone out in the hope that he would come, enjoy that and want to do it again..and then we could have discussions about what I like etc. In this process I was physically injured (not badly, but it would sting when I peed for a few days after someone's) and obviously emotionally it's taken a massive toll. He doesn't know about this because he would be devastated (my therapist does). He doesn't have the first clue about women's bodies and after failed discussions I found a book for him but he didn't read much of that. So enough's enough.

The point is this though. I'm now petrified of sex. I like the idea, have vivid fantasies, but the thought that someone may actually like me enough to want to make love to me (rather than use my body for their pleasure) is utterly terrifying. I'm 37 and really want to believe I'll meet someone one day who wants what I want, who allows me to have emotions etc and won't frighten me sexually. In reality I just feel completely doomed. And it doesn't help that I've realised (through MN!) that I wasn't fully relaxed in almost all my previous sexual relationships, when I'd thought they were good ones. I could play a role, but not just relax, trust and fully enjoy it.

And as I'm putting it all out there, I've had two kids (conception of the last was the last time I had sex) and don't even know how my body works properly any more. It's been 11 years since I had (what I thought was) good sex and my body is 10 kg heavier and riddled with stretch marks. DH doesn't like "fat" people and has told me categorically that I'm unattractive.

Phew, that was longer than planned, but shouldn't be any drip-feeding!!

[sonlypuppyfat]

It doesn't sound much fun does it, are you saying he hurt you last time you had sex?

[namegechanged]

Yes, but not deliberately. I was hurt by straightforward PIV sex because I wasn't ready and he doesn't know what ready is. It wasn't just one time that happened, it was almost every time unless I got myself ready - or I was ovulating.

I know this sounds bad - and it is! I was just really wanting it to work and trying everything I could think of to make the relationship work.

And I know that makes me pathetic. I actually thought I was doing something brave at the time. :(

[Cherrysoup]

I think you sound ready to leave this relationship. If you aren't turned on, you aren't going to be ready for PIV sex and yes, it will be painful. Without meaning to be patronising, did you never use lube? Just to make yourself more comfortable?

What do you want to do?

[namegechanged]

It wasn't available where we lived at the time (back of beyond country).

[namegechanged]

I'm going to leave, but this is a work in progress (another complicated thread, but in short, I'm doing the preparations).

I want to meet someone who wants to be with me. But that includes meaningful, fun, passionate sex. At the moment I feel like a nervous 15 year old with the body of a not very attractive mother. Who's going to take that combo on?!!

[Biddylee]

I think once you leave the relationship, give yourself time to recover and meet someone who wants to have sex again, it'll be like riding a bike

I use to get UTis regularly with an ex-partner and his attitude was that I needed to warm myself up better. I felt very nervous having sex with him after I had a third degree tear in labour and problems healing so over 5 years we probably had sex about 7 times.. I was scared that I would get a UTI or sex would be painful.

I also felt that after I left and when I met someone new that I'd have to apologise for my wobbly tummy and stretch marks. But when I did meet someone it was all good - body worked, they loved my tummy and told me I was hot.

Taking the leap out of the relationship is the hard bit.

[namegechanged]

Thanks Biddy.

That's reassuring.

[NotTheFordType]

It sounds like you know your relationship is over and your question is about how to relax and enjoy sex with subsequent partners?

I would take 2-3 years of just masturbating first, with nobody else involved. Get lots of different type toys, learn what feels best to you (it's different for everyone!) Use lube - some women (like me) never make "enough" natural lubrication, no matter how much you are turned on. Lube makes everything more comfortable (and when you eventually do decide to explore sex with a new partner, it makes condoms safer too!)

When the time is right to think about being with someone new, you will know. You will feel confident about asserting your boundaries, and keen to ask for what you want/need. You will feel no shame about speaking your desires out loud. You will also feel an honest desire to please your partner - not in the hope that he'll desire you more, but just because you want him to feel the same pleasure that you feel.

If your current therapist is not trained in sexual trauma, I'd consider seeking out one who is, and can work with you on practical strategies for sexual healing. You should not have to "zone out" to get through sex. You deserve so much more than that.

[namegechanged]

NotTheFord thank you too.

Honestly the idea of any more time masturbating is sad - that's been my only option for 10.5 years. God this really sounds bad written down. It's all normal (for me) in my head, but written it seems so much worse. I really want to orgasm with somebody, not any more alone. I did invest in some toys, but they actually made me feel more alone.

And I need to investigate about the sexual side of things with my therapist. She's a trauma specialist and we've worked on some of the incidents, but not sure how that works after the trauma itself is all dealt with. Good point!

[namegechanged]

(Sorry, should say "only real option for organs for 10.5 years")

[namegechanged]

LOL no!! Orgasms, not organs!!

Bloomin' phone!

[NotTheFordType]

Masturbating when you're single and just want to please yourself, versus masturbating while you're within a relationship where you feel your partner should want sex but doesn't (and therefore injures your view of yourself as a sexually desirable person) is very very different.

[namegechanged]

Not that sounds very plausible. And hopeful! Thanks!