Will try to keep this short! [update after finishing - I've failed].
*TW - sex-related things
DH is, I think, (grey)asexual, meaning he has NO desire for sex (no porn, no masturbation, no nothing unless I really warm him up). He's also got Aspergers so does not interpret emotions very well. I understood these things after getting married 8 years ago. He thought he was like everyone else but just a bit shy and I wasn't rational.
My background is emotional and physical abuse as a child and lots of sexual assaults and a few rapes as an adult (all before meeting DH). I have complex-PTSD and am in long term treatment for it. I've never hid my background from him.
Sex with him in the beginning was not great, but he was (is!) such a wonderful person and he said he was shy, so I thought over time he'd become more comfortable. That hasn't happened. We haven't had sex for about 4 years because I refuse to "warm him up" every single time. He says he really wants it, but NEVER initiates. He can't even discuss it. Never has asked me what I like in bed, despite me asking him etc. Basically this is the situation, we've had therapy and we're essentially heading for divorce because these issues have resulted in my self-esteem being at the bottom of a sewer (and he can't understand why).
So aside from my assaults and rapes, I also would initiate intimacy with him, get things going and finding it unsatisfactory, just zone out in the hope that he would come, enjoy that and want to do it again..and then we could have discussions about what I like etc. In this process I was physically injured (not badly, but it would sting when I peed for a few days after someone's) and obviously emotionally it's taken a massive toll. He doesn't know about this because he would be devastated (my therapist does). He doesn't have the first clue about women's bodies and after failed discussions I found a book for him but he didn't read much of that. So enough's enough.
The point is this though. I'm now petrified of sex. I like the idea, have vivid fantasies, but the thought that someone may actually like me enough to want to make love to me (rather than use my body for their pleasure) is utterly terrifying. I'm 37 and really want to believe I'll meet someone one day who wants what I want, who allows me to have emotions etc and won't frighten me sexually. In reality I just feel completely doomed. And it doesn't help that I've realised (through MN!) that I wasn't fully relaxed in almost all my previous sexual relationships, when I'd thought they were good ones. I could play a role, but not just relax, trust and fully enjoy it.
And as I'm putting it all out there, I've had two kids (conception of the last was the last time I had sex) and don't even know how my body works properly any more. It's been 11 years since I had (what I thought was) good sex and my body is 10 kg heavier and riddled with stretch marks. DH doesn't like "fat" people and has told me categorically that I'm unattractive.
Phew, that was longer than planned, but shouldn't be any drip-feeding!!
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
My sex life is doomed, isn't it. [TW*]
13 replies
namegechanged · 16/04/2017 18:10
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.