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Moving abroad post EA discovery AIBU

(8 Posts)
Esoteric Sat 01-Apr-17 17:23:12

H and I had been planning for business and personal reasons to move somewhere else within the EU at some point in next year. I discovered a quite long emotional affair in November from 11 years ago that he had gaslighted me on for years that rocked me somewhat and another rather disrespectful episode last year with texting another , although not what I would call an EA. I am still at home although mentally a bit distant and withdrawing on the codependency somewhat. However it seems I'm expected to carry on as normal and when he mentioned the moving the other day he said, you don't look that enthused , I said 'I'm not 100% sure as things are' and he said ' if that's how you feel what's the point of being married'. We do get on well generally , I just refuse to be rushed into things whilst I am still trying to mentally see how I feel going forward. Is it unreasonable of me to expect time and space to think things through , personally I feel I have to feel 100% if we leave , and I think that's fair on him too. I was hoping to give it maybe 8 months before making any decisions either way, it doesn't look as if I'm going to be able to have that time without having to start to commit to things one way or another. Has anyone else here been rushed to do things when they haven't immediately left Dp/H . No kids at home now, so that's not an issue

Whatalready Sat 01-Apr-17 21:23:26

Moving abroad is a massive step. You will be away from family and friends, from everything that's familiar to you. You will be thrown together until you get settled in. I speak from experience after a failed attempt to move abroad. Don't go unless you are happy with him. You have had a few shocks that have left you feeling distant from him. It's up to him to prove himself. He can't just guilt you into going or give you an ultimatum. It doesn't have to be a 8 month deadline either. Take as long as you need. If you continue to feel as you do, please don't go!

Esoteric Sat 01-Apr-17 22:44:34

Thanks whatalready, that is how I feel, I also think he may regret it too if I am not 100% sure about us, and whatever I think , I don't want to make things crap either for him and feel obliged

Dozer Sat 01-Apr-17 22:47:04

He doesn't sound trustworthy. I wouldn't move abroad in those circumstances, unless YOU really want you and it'd be good for you workwise etc.

tallwivglasses Sat 01-Apr-17 23:19:16

That is a cheeky fuckin response he had after the long-term cruelty he's inflicted on you. Gaslighting is conning - he's a con artist and has been for years. The entitlement of some of these men astounds me.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry Sat 01-Apr-17 23:30:46

The gaslighting is perhaps the worst of your OP. We all understand how you can get close to someone that you connect with, but to play games and minimise and deny, that is a very different scenario. Please dont rush to move abroad. I feel his pressure is again to minimise and pretend that there was no impact.

HappenedForAReisling Sun 02-Apr-17 04:54:12

OP, DH and I lived as expats for 11 years. It absolutely stretched us to our limits, in fact I'm amazed we made it (we did and are stronger for it) but it was no walk in the park and took our relationship to its darkest places.
I think living overseas is an immense challenge if your relationship isn't strong to start with.

Whatalready Sun 02-Apr-17 07:40:15

I'm not sure how you stand if you split in a foreign country regarding possessions and finance....sorry to be negative. You could suggest a long term rent of a property abroad and keep your UK home.

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