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Ex is still using cocaine...

(12 Posts)
BelleBoyd Sun 26-Mar-17 11:56:56

My XH is still using cocaine, cannabis and drinking. Has done all his life with a short lived period of sobriety before we married.
Our DCs are 3 and 7. He didn't turn up to see them this weekend or last weekend as was in bed recovering.
I just don't know what I can do to limit the damage it's causing them. 3 year old already thinks daddy didn't come because he was naughty and kept saying I'll be good now mummy which is heartbreaking.
It's difficult to make a decision to go no contact as they love him and he loves them as much as he's capable. But I don't know what to do practically to help them? I try to remember to not mention when he's supposed to be seeing them so they don't wait for him to turn up and refuse to do anything else but often he promises them he will see them.
Just feeling a bit helpless to control/manage the situation...

category12 Sun 26-Mar-17 12:05:54

Age appropriate honesty? Daddy isn't well/has a problem that makes him forget. I don't know, it must be heart breaking. But you must do something to prevent them believing it's them.

HerOtherHalf Sun 26-Mar-17 12:11:39

He's a drug addict and an alcoholic? Why is refusing him contact such a difficult decision? I doubt you'd trust any other alcojolic junkie to care for your kids so why assume they are any safer with him just because he's their father? I know that makes it sound very easy but sometimes youve got to take the facts as they stand.

BelleBoyd Sun 26-Mar-17 12:14:25

Yes I often say daddy's not well-doesn't seem to help much.
I don't think they are completely safe with him-he sees them rarely on his own. Sometimes takes them for short outings or sees his family with them. Doesn't have them for more than a couple of hours on their own.

HerOtherHalf Sun 26-Mar-17 12:23:44

Just a couple of hours is plenty of time for something to go horribly wrong. Does he drive when he has them? Can you be sure he doesn't have wraps of coke or open bottles of alcohol lying around at his? He is an unacceptable risk for a host of reasons in my book. You cannot trust a junkie. You cannot trust an alcoholic. You have a duty to keep your kids out of harms way as best you possibly can. On top of that, the unreliable contact is far more likely to emotionally damage the kids than no contact at all. In you position i would cut him out altogether and reconsider only once he cleans himself up, if he ever does.

0dfod Sun 26-Mar-17 12:28:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

0dfod Sun 26-Mar-17 12:31:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShatnersWig Sun 26-Mar-17 13:59:48

You want to limit/control the damage now? Pity you didn't think more about the sense of having children with a substance abuser in the first place. Your poor kids. I don't think he should be anywhere near the kids and you, as the one responsible parent should take the necessary steps to ensure it

BelleBoyd Sun 26-Mar-17 14:01:03

He has engaged in several programs. Is seeing a counsellor at the moment but I don't think it's helping enough. I've thought of all those things. No contact versus some contact is what I'm debating with myself. He doesn't have drugs or alcohol around when the children are with him as I always check. Isn't drunk when he drives. But I totally understand all what's been said.
It's a difficult situation that I don't want to make worse for the children.

BelleBoyd Sun 26-Mar-17 14:02:31

Yes is a real pity ShatnersWig.

OrangeStar Sun 26-Mar-17 14:25:06

Every word that Odford says.

Your ex is obviously in no state to keep up the most basic commitments, sending the wrong message to your children and they are being messed about sad. Tell them some gentle lie that means he is out of the picture. I think you've got to be careful with the word "illness" as that may mean your children get worried about him. E.g. he's got to do some work away from home (on himself, so not entirely untrue).

WormwoodScrubbed Sun 26-Mar-17 14:30:53

I would expect the court to rule that he would need to see dc in a supervised contact centre until he no longer poses a risk.

Sadly IME you'd be waiting a long time. My ex-partner had similar problems to OP's but he got unsupervised contact very quickly and the Contact Centres aren't a long term solution anyway, they expect you to make alternative arrangements within a few months max

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