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Advice needed with forming relationships.

(5 Posts)
user1490125033 Tue 21-Mar-17 20:15:40

I'm 38 years old and have been diagnosed with high-functioning Asperger's syndrome. Interpersonally I am fairly adept but only in social situations in which I only need to perform conversationally. In short, I can act like a 'neurotypical' person fairly well when all I need to do is talk, especially when discussing topics which are of interest to me (political science, continental philosophy, literature, music). However, when interactions demand more intuitive, tacit forms of communication I struggle enormously. Thus, I have never had an erotic or romantic relationship. However I have decided it's about time I experienced one. The problem is that I don't have a clue wha to do, and have a number of questions that need answering.

1) Is it alright to find someone's physical characteristics desirable? I am concerned about the moral or political implications of 'objectifying' someone.

2) How do I know who is the right person to approach? I read somewhere that people tend to connect with others who are roughly equivalent in terms of physical attractiveness, but i don't know if this is true. I have been told by a couple of people that I am not bad looking, but I don't know if this is true. I find it impossible to ascertain my own attractiveness in relation to that of someone else.

3) When I have met people what tends to happen is that we repeatedly meet and talk...but nothing happens and it fizzles out. I sense that at some point in the process I'm supposed to do something, but I'm not sure what. Is it ok to ask a woman 'what do you want me to do know?'?

4) How old should they be? I'm 38, so I wouldn't want to have anything to do with anyone much younger than 28. I feel very young though. People say I even look weirdly young, so I'm not sure if a middle-aged woman who has had lots of prior experience of relationships would feel right with me.

5) I have very little sexual desire, so if a woman wanted sex from me that might be a problem. What do I do if I don't want to have sex or can't 'perform'?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I feel very lonely.

TheElephantofSurprise Tue 21-Mar-17 20:29:12

Asperger's. Looks young, feels lonely. Boxes ticked.
Attractiveness - a matter of perception. If no-one fancies you, change where you go and who you meet. After twenty years or more of being told I was the least attractive creature on earth, by a community not an individual, I chanced upon another community where I'm considered 'hot'. Bizarre, but welcome.
I'd say it's ok and normal to find people's physical characteristics attractive but don't make too much of a show about it. Comments such as 'Great norks!' or 'You're a big boy!' might be best kept for when you know someone really well.
You can definitely as 'What do you want me to do now?' That would work fairly well, I'd imagine.
Age - pretty much irrelevant after 25. Just go with the flow.
Sex - the majority of people - I'm guessing here - would probably think a close relationship included sex. If you don't want sex, say so, but don't take it too badly if people who do want sex then move on to somewhere they can get it. Can't perform? Google it. There are ways and means.
Good luck. If you master this, come back and advise us all.

user1490125033 Tue 21-Mar-17 22:43:12


InTheMoodForLove Tue 21-Mar-17 23:00:04

apologies OP I am not sure if you are male or female

with regard to no sexual desire my first thought is that you may want to read about people who define themselves asexual
you will find lot of links on line and there are also more contemporary word for similar status (which I cannot remember at the minute)

one link out of many

See if this resonates with you

You are not isolated in this, even on some dating website there are choice for heterosexual, homosexual and so on, asexual is an option

That could be your starting point

People must find you attractive and pleasant if they engage and go out with you one to one. If your question about is it ok to ask what to do next to a woman means you would consider some intimacy, I suggest that rather than asking you could jump into the deep end with someone you feel comfortable and send out messages and make small moves. We ALL have to learn that and no matter how experience any one is, with a new person we all experience some kind of doubt and insecurity and fear rejection.

Have a read at the on line dating thread on this board
Many of us have had long term relationships but each encounter is still ( a jerking headache ) a mystery

InTheMoodForLove Tue 21-Mar-17 23:01:48

terrible spelling, sorry !!!

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