Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
New revelations about my cheating ex... renewed hatred!(19 Posts)
I've been divorced for almost a year, it's been difficult but I have no regrets. He cheated a few times over the years, always my fault for neglecting him - bless him! He admitted to one OW, she told me about another (which he denied) and I later found out that there had been another as I suspected just before he moved out. We were married for 18 years and the affairs were during the last few years. However, I saw a close friend this week and she admitted that he had tried it on with her mant years ago. At the time, we had been married for 3 years and had 2 babies. Obviously I believe my friend and I'm grateful that she told me but the more I think about it, the angrier I am with him. I knew he was a class A cunt anyway but despite this I didn't think he would ever have tried it on with one of my closest friends, especially not at a time when we were supposedly happy and had 2 small children! Obviously it has reinforced that divorcing him was the right thing to do but I feel as if I'm angry at him all over again! I really want to confront him about this plus it's got me wondering how many more there were and questioning my judgement because at that time I would have confidently said that he would never have cheated. I'm worried I'll never be able to trust a man again! Grrrr, what an absolute twat! It wouldn't be worth confronting him would it?
Don't give it any headspace...... And don't waste your energy on confronting him..... You got rid of him so concentrate on your future happiness; not dredging up his past...
Think happy thoughts:0)
Shame she didn't tell you at the time and set your bullshit monitor on high alert. You may have been out of it sooner.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
You would be wasting your breath. Just wait....Karma will arrive one day for him.
Fwiw, my first H was a member of the same cunt club. He tried it on with my Mum, my sister, every single one of my female friends, lots of work colleagues....I always had a gut feeling something was off, but no-one told me the truth and I never caught him in the act....until one evening, a male friend was so pissed off that my H had tried to snog his wife, that he told me about everything (they were friends, so he knew most of it). It was such a shock, but then lots of things fell in to place (iyswim).
I don't know how many of my friends actually slept with him. I suspect one of my best friends did, as she was going through a divorce at the time, and when I think back she was always flashing her cleavage at him (uurgh). I know for certain, that my very best friend did, as I checked his phone and there it was, in black and white. I left him then. And ditched her (obviously).
For a few years he led the single life, out at bars every weekend, scanning for women. 2 years after I left, he got serious with a woman. I can remember thinking "if he can cheat on his wife and the mother of his children (me), then I'm sure he isn't going to be faithful to her".....fast forward a few years, after she had moved in, and of course history repeated itself and he cheated on her. I suspect with her sister, for various reasons. So she left him.
Cut to now (9 years after I left) and he has a new GF of a year. She has a young DD. She's desperate to move the relationship to the next level. I feel so sorry for her, as I know just how her little story is going to end and she's so invested....
He's 50 later this year. At what point does this type of guy stop shagging about? Probably never.
Fwiw, I have a lovely DH now. Devoted, faithful, a real good guy. They do exist! Oh and the irony....he is ten times fitter and better looking than first H. We've been together for 8 years. He's lovely.
Don't lose faith, there are lovely men out there. You were just unlucky, like me, the first time around.
You will find a lovely guy, and this will all fade away....whereas he will probably die alone....
Yes Joysmum I did think about that; I understand her reasons but if I'd known then I probably wouldn't have wasted so many years with him. Howeber, he was emotionally abusive and he destroyed my confidence so it took years for me to regain that and find the courage to confront his behaviour. I honestly feel that at that stage I would have reluctantly forgiven him and lost the friendship. As you said petitepeach, at least I am rid of him now. I've been told that the OW believes that we were separated when they got together and that he left me because I was an awful wife! She's quite vocal about how awful I am (despite never having met me) I wonder why she thinks that all mutual friends and even his own family don't blame me either? I've probably brainwashed them all with my lies They're not living together yet and I can guarantee this will be when he will show his true colours!
I can appreciate where you're coming from, after this new revelation - it makes it seem almost your entire marriage was a sham.
But I agree with other posters, don't waste any more of your time even thinking about this sorry excuse for a man.
He probably has low self-esteem and constantly needs the boost of females paying him attention - maybe you were busy with the babies and he, poor precious, felt neglected.
Some men are truly pathetic. They never get beyond the attention-seeking toddler stage, emotionally.
However, in other news, there are good guys out there (as opposed to Nice Guys™ - avoid them like the plague) so bide your time and you'll meet someone who will cherish you.
The best revenge is living well, you'll see.
Bloody hell Huskylover - your mum and sister as well as your friends? What an absolute tosser! I'm glad you are happy now though. I worry about ever trusting anyone again! He's in his 40s and not attractive at all these days, he also smells due to dodgy personal hygiene. I'm amazed he can get anyone to sleep with him - I certainly wasn't keen!
Good point Ruberruberduckduck! He has already told people that I have begged him to come back to me. That couldn't be further from the truth!
That's exactly how I feel Emmageddon, I can accept that the last few years were shit but at that time he was very full on telling me how much he loved me, sending me cards, buying me presents etc. What a devious twat!
weemcbeastie onwards and upwards for you now....great user name, my lovely lovely DH is Scottish
Definitely not worth confronting him, cheating is obviously an ingrained character trait in him so you venting at him will do nothing but further justify in his cunty little mind that he's better off with OW.
Definitely don't confront him. I agree with others who said that he will think that you haven't got over him.
I just can't get t over the men who come onto close friends and family. To me it's a case of 'Don't shit where you eat'
My friend's ex husband tried to sleep with her next door neighbour and her next door neighbour's eighteen year old daughter.
Don't waste your energy on hating him, or confronting him. And don't worry about trust in the future, think about yourself. Try suffix that you have always been interested in, give yourself permission to be self serving. Work on self care and meeting your own needs. Your self esteem and instincts ( to avoid losers and smell a rat) will all improve.
Sorry you've been through all this, look to the future
Would be a complete waste of time to do anything other than look forward. He really won't give a shit
Hi OP I think my exH and yours were separated at birth! I also discovered after we divorced due to his cheating that the cheating had begun way back in the early days of our marriage and the first time I know of for sure was when I was pregnant with our oldest DC (now 18). No-one who knew told me either.
These days I could not give a proverbial about him but I am fucking furious at the waste of my life with a man who just was not worth it. In his mind of course he is a charming lothario, not an inadequate 55 year old with an ED problem.
That's exactly how I feel, I wasted such a large part of my life with this tosser. He thinks he is a charming lothatio too! I'm sure it will get easier, I was doing so well but this revelation has shocked me and made me question everything. Thanks for all the replies
Leave it be. Let it go. No good can come of contacting him.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.