Need support leaving emotionally abusive partner

[Purplebluebird]

I posted a little while ago about my emotionally abusive partner. He puts me down, doesn't do anything around the house, ignores me large amounts of the time in favour for speaking to friends on voice chat on pc, and generally isn't that great.

This is my previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2864484-Second-thread-sorry-Dont-know-how-to-go-about-leaving-half-abusive-DP

I've been to one session of Freedom programme (it was cancelled before so couldn't go), and it did ring some bells, though I still feel it's very low level abuse. However - surely it doesn't have to be abuse to leave a relationship. You can leave for other reasons too.

I am still feeling a bit unreasonable, which is why I'm asking for support. Tomorrow I am moving out, to a flat in a different town, with my 3 year old son. I didn't want to go to a refuge, and was lucky enough to find a place accepting me despite not working (MH issues and childcare costs = no work). I will sleep on a blow up mattress and have only a desk and two chairs, but it's a start.

So I just need some support in going through with this, if it's the right thing to do and how to move on. Please can anyone help? I'm scared.

[Secretlife0fbees]

Listen, if you need permission then here you go - you are entitled to leave any relationship that makes you miserable.
Just read the 2 things on your list of reasons from your previous thread. That is ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR. You have done absolutely the right thing. Well done you!!!!! Don't look back... you and your son will be much happier.
How is he taking it?

[Secretlife0fbees]

Threatening suicide and smashing things up is not HALF abusive - that is fully abusive.

[Wishiwasmoiradingle2017]

Register on free cycle and gumtree for some fab free items.
New home
New life
Well done and good luck.

[pudding21]

Hi Purplebird: I remember your previous threads and you have come a long way in a shirt space of time, so be reassured you have the strength to do this. Write down the reasons you are leaving and keep revisiting them. You will put yourself through the ringer in the next few weeks, especially if he uses emotional manipulation to make you feel guilty (no doubt he will). He will declare how much he loves you, he might get angry, he will try the whole breaking up the family thing etc. Stay firm and try and emotionally detach as possible. I left EA ex 4 weeks ago, things seem to be settling down a little bit but its been really tough. Was by far the hardest thing I ever did, but I just have to trust my instincts and go with what i felt was right. Once you have been in a EA relationship you doubt yourself a lot, you question everything and change your behaviour to try placate your partner so they don't get angry and abusive with you.

You know it is the right thing to do, you are scared, you have fear of the future. My 5 year old has been brilliant, hardly batted an eyelid at the whole thing. Your DC might be unsettled for a few days or weeks, but at that age they are very black and white about the whole thing. My 9 year old has been much more of a challenge and felt it much more. Loads of love, and they adapt well. Its not low level abuse, its abuse. Someone once said on here the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

My ex has recently been prescribed ant anxiety meds and ant depressants and thinks that this will miraculously mean things will be better and i will go home. But he has damaged me more than I realised, and to go back to that would be like committing suicide. You deserve to be loved in the right way, and treated with respect.

Good luck, and well done. Keep posting and I hope you can reach out to people in RL. Maybe call your local police station and let them know when you are leaving and where you are going too just in case he kicks off.

[aquamarina100]

Purple I replied to you before I don't now if you remember.
I ended my relationship last week. I've been on my own for a week. Its been stressful trying to get things in place like benefits etc. I've also been ill and looking after my four kids by myself. BUT I feel so relieved, I'm not anxious all the time, worried what mood he'll be in etc.

You can do this, it will be hard but in the long term you will be happier.

[hellsbellsmelons]

You know you can do this.
You've put everything in place.
You are now ready - you really are.
Now you begin your new abuse free life.
And it's NOT low level, it's really not!
Well done. Get out and live happy.

[Purplebluebird]

Thanks for helpful replies. I've just written a letter to him that I will leave tomorrow when I go. I will call 101 to let them know I am leaving, so that in case all goes to hell they will be aware.

@aquamarina100 glad to hear you feel relieved despite all the stress. I have only one child thankfully, but still need to do all the other things. I am so nervous and stressed about it all.

I have tried Freecycle and so on, but it's difficult to get anyone to deliver stuff to me as I can't drive. I found a charity shop (community furniture project) that does very cheap furniture and can deliver too, so I will go there on Friday! Fingers crossed!

I am just finding it very difficult both practically and emotionally. And am very confused with where to go and who to speak to first.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Have you spoken with CAB?
They would be a very good first port of call.
They can help you with benefits, tax credits etc.....
Then take it from there.
1 step at a time.
Don't be overwhelmed with everything.
Get out first and feel the freedom and the weight lift from your shoulders.
Once you've done that you'll know you can do just about anything.

[Purplebluebird]

@hellsbellsmelons I will be going to CAB on Friday. I'm moving to a different town, so can't go there today. I feel I need to do many steps at a time because I have no money. CAB will hopefully give me a voucher for food bank.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well you are already doing it.
CAB will hopefully let you know what other things you should be doing.
Will Ex pay maintenance?
He definitely should.
Would he be amicable about it?
If you know he won't be then get onto CSA and get a case opened up to get you the money from him so you don't have to deal with him.
Have you got all your paperwork together?
Passports, birth certificates, his wage slips or proof of what he earns.
Is your name listed against any of the bills?
If it is then cancel those.
Beg borrow and steal from anyone you can.
You'll be amazed what family and friends have hidden in their lofts.
I have a tonne of stuff from moving twice recently.

[Kr1stina]

Do not give your new address and phone number to anyone you don't 100% trust not to give it to him.

You would be amazed at how gullible people are , when a man cries down the phone and sobs that he just wants to know you are ok and say how sorry he is.

[Purplebluebird]

Won't give new details to anyone, don't worry. I am currently sorting out all the paperwork, but have all important documents in my bag now. I don't know about maintenance, I can't see how he can afford it with the pay he's at. :/ He is still the dad of my son, and it wouldn't benefit my son to screw his dad over, so I'm not willing to do that, despite him having been abusive to me at times.

[Kr1stina]

I've read hundreds of threads of MN and I've never seen one where the father got screwed over by his kids for child support. So don't worry about that , just open up a claim and let the CSA do their thing.

[hellsbellsmelons]

It might be that he only pays £5 a week, but it's at least something that is owed to your DS.
He has a duty to help support his own child.
It's that simple really.
So are you the main wage earner?

[Purplebluebird]

@hellsbellsmelons I don't work at all, due to MH problems and childcare being too expensive :( So I have no income at all. He earns a fairly low one, so we have been getting housing benefit to help top up the rent.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

CAB should (and will, I'm sure), do a proper full benefits check. Or somewhere I think there's a reliable site which would give you a rough idea? (No shame in benefits btw as I know from experience, it's everyone's way of helping everyone else, iyswim.)