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Would you leave your husband under these circumstances?

(26 Posts)
2catsandadog Tue 14-Mar-17 14:17:26

Background - Met at Uni. Been together as a couple for 22 years. Been married for 14. In 2015 we adopted a little boy but have been suffering infertility for our whole marriage. In 2015 we also moved into Hubby's childhood home and his parents moved into the house they built at the end of the garden. (This is quite identifying, so if you know me in real life, please keep this quiet)

Problem - Hubby has always been crap at doing stuff around the house. He treats me as his personal servant, social secretary and his memory. I do all the housework, cooking, shopping, gardening and now all the childcare. When we adopted, although it was understood that I would be the primary carer and be the SAHM, I was under the impression that we would be co-parents and it wouldn't just be me doing everything. I was wrong about that. He controls all the money, I have nothing and if I spend anything I need to account for every penny. I do EVERYTHING and have to remind him to do the few jobs that I have asked him to do and to keep up with. Every single time.

I am effectively parenting my husband as well as my toddler, and I am exhausted. I have told hubby to grow the fuck up and act like a responsible adult because I need the support, and he is completely ignoring me. I have pulled him up about his behaviour every six weeks for the whole of our marriage, and I am done. It goes in one ear and out the other. I am out of patience and I am out of energy. I have suggested counselling, but he has said that I need it, not him because there is nothing wrong with him. hmm

I am really reluctant to start proceedings though. It scares the hell out of me to be in my mid-forties and starting over again. I am not sure I can do it. It feels really unfair that if we were to separate, I would have all the trauma and the pain and he would just be mildly inconvenienced. He would probably just get his Mum to do everything for him anyway.

What would you do? Stay and suck it up or Leave and start again? I just don't know what to do. I am so confused.

mouldycheesefan Tue 14-Mar-17 14:22:01

I would ask him to go to counselling with me as a last ditch attempt. If nothing else, counselling can help you to end the relationship.

Pallisers Tue 14-Mar-17 14:23:04

Do you want to be with him? Does the joy you get from living with him outweigh the annoyance of having to be the only responsible adult in the relationship? Is there even any joy in the relationship?

I wouldn't be married to someone who was financially abusive even without the other stuff.

BlossomCat Tue 14-Mar-17 14:24:51

Well, you've stayed and sucked it up for 22 years. Not a lot has changed it seems. Your dc's will be picking up that it's OK for Daddy to not pull his weight.
With regards to the financial side of your marriage, have you ever looked at the definition of financial abuse, because this sounds awfully controlling and abusive.
Good luck for the future flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 14-Mar-17 14:31:39

What do you get out of this relationship now, why have you stayed to date at all with this individual who could be described as an "uphill struggle" even without his mother issues?.

I would never countenance joint counselling with this man purely and simply because of his financial abuse of you. Counselling for your own self alone is a must to determine exactly why you have put up with this from him at all.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

Financially abusive men are rarely solely financially abusive as well. I doubt very much whether such an individual would ever go to counselling anyway, he likely thinks he is and has done nothing wrong here. He has already stated as much. His parents would also back him to the hilt.

I think leaving him would be the making of you actually; its a pitiful half existence you are living currently and he would not care much if he did separate from you anyway. Why live like that?. To be honest you are pretty much on your own now within this marriage anyway and that is a lonely place to be. It is better to be alone than to be so badly accompanied.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships here; surely not this awful model of one?.

ElspethFlashman Tue 14-Mar-17 14:35:46

Yes I would leave or it would be another 22 years the exact same. His motivation to change is nil.

Think of the energy you are wasting on him. Think of the money you will finally have control over. It sounds like he would have to buy you out of the house, yes?

hellsbellsmelons Tue 14-Mar-17 14:38:00

He is financially abusive - do NOT have joint counselling him.
I doubt finances are the only things he controls.
He's right, you should have counselling on your own.
Understand why you have put up with this for so many years.
Maybe a call Womens Aid might help clarify things for you?
You could also do their Freedom Programme, see where else he is controlling or abusive.
Do you have somewhere you could go?
Even just temporarily?
He's treating you appallingly and has had no consequences so of course he will continue. He's nothing to lose at the moment.

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 14-Mar-17 14:40:04

"What would you do? Stay and suck it up or Leave and start again? I just don't know what to do. I am so confused."
Leave and start again. I think you do know what to do, it 's just that it's scary to start again. Don't let the fear of the unknown put you off - you cannot continue in this way.

AnnieAnoniMouse Tue 14-Mar-17 14:41:19

I'd be long gone.

Being single is WAY better than putting up with that shit. Honestly.

Leave the awful twat & get a life you love 💐

JustSpeakSense Tue 14-Mar-17 14:42:22

Do you still love him?

BlueFolly Tue 14-Mar-17 14:45:00


Adora10 Tue 14-Mar-17 14:46:54

Stay for what, to be controlled and abused financially, not a chance.

I'd not waste any time OP trying to convince him to be a decent human being; this is who he is, if you want more of the same, then stay; he won't change.

Secretlife0fbees Tue 14-Mar-17 15:22:16

I echo the others. Don't have joint counselling but I would recommend having some on your own - it will be enlightening! (Said from experience)..

Tenpenny Tue 14-Mar-17 15:23:22

Yes I'd leave him.

Stripyclouds Tue 14-Mar-17 15:44:37

With my ex I just stopped doing it. Only washed my own clothes, only made dinner for myself, only washed the dishes i had used and only paid the bills in my own name etc. The one day he had a proper go at me about being lazy and not helping hime out with things. We ended not too long after that, but for many reasons, not just the housework and we didn't have kids (luckily!) But it helped both him and me to visualise exactly how much of the boring work he left for me. Hopefully his new other half benefits from it. Perhaps it'd be worth a try, despite the chaos and his panic that one morning when he's out of clean pants and socks, so that he can see its his problem too as it affects his day to day life I mean

Mix56 Tue 14-Mar-17 16:03:16

I think it is one of those moments to ask yourself this question:
If I won the pools tomorrow, what would you do ?
I am guessing you would leave in a heart beat.
It is no way to live.

Has the house been legally transferred to H ?
If you leave you own half !. (This is going to be one huge shit storm)
Before you became a SAHM, did you work ? what happened to that income? What happened to the equity from your former home? Did it go into his account that you have no control of?
I think you should go to CAB & get some info on your eventual finances, & find a solicitor... Life is too short

Mumbyday Tue 14-Mar-17 17:33:06

I completely get where you're coming from. I'm married to a control freak. Pity he hasn't got OCD 😂 or he might help me with the cleaning, or in the very least not make such a mess. As he will have his parents backing, you could well end up financially stranded. If you do decide to leave make sure you have copies of your financial status for evidence and certainly copies of any correspondence regarding the ownership of your home. No one can make the decision for you, but it does sound like your minds made up. It's knowing where to start?

Isetan Tue 14-Mar-17 18:20:21

The price of being with him is this and there isn't a parallel universe where he's different.

As for being cheated, the truth is you've cheated yourself by waiting far too long for him to be different, don't waste anymore of your time waiting for another him to show up.

2catsandadog Tue 14-Mar-17 18:23:18

Thanks for the replies.

Yes. It's what I thought too. I guess I need to start making plans then.

SleepingTiger Tue 14-Mar-17 20:31:36

You haven't got a minute to lose.
Life starts now. At least it should do.

nicenewdusters Tue 14-Mar-17 20:37:46

Definitely leave him. D'you want to grow old with this man? No. Make a new life, one on your terms. It'll be hard at first, but no harder than living with a joyless life-sucking idiot.

Shayelle Tue 14-Mar-17 20:40:35

Youre only mid forties!! Go for it!!!

lavenderandrose Tue 14-Mar-17 20:42:07

To briefly play devils advocate, what sort of father is he to your child?

Would your child's life improve, or worsen?

2catsandadog Wed 15-Mar-17 09:12:07

As a Dad...he's patchy at best. I have to remind him that our little guy needs special handling some times and when he looks after him, it's usually with the TV on... Something I try not to do if I can help it. I wouldn't give him any Dad of the year awards, but he's not bad.

ShaniaTwang Wed 15-Mar-17 09:28:11

Yes I'd leave him for sure.

In fact, I did leave exh for these reasons. My dc and I are immeasurably happier a year. You don't realise how much you've been controlled and made to do what you don't want to do until you've left and recovered from it. It's financial, domestic and emotional abuse.

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