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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

breakup help

14 replies

diodati · 13/03/2017 20:23

On Saturday, my longterm boyfriend broke up with me. It came out of the blue. There I was, expecting a happy day together and we were lying on my bed (dressed), holding hands, and I brought up future plans. Then he dropped his bombshell; he's going to have to accept a job that will take him to another country. We had a terrible row, or at least I got very angry with him. I understand he really has no choice - it's that or unemployment - but it is devastating. I can't go with him as my dc are well settled at school here and it just isn't practical.

I ended up telling him I never wanted to see him or hear from him again. I told him that he should leave, that there was nothing more to say. The last thing he said to me was "I love you, diodati." And I know he does, as I love him. My dc love him.

Since then, I've cried and cried and cried. I know it's pathetic but it's such a terrible loss. We've known each other since childhood. Thank God the dc are with their dad atm. I don't know how to go on.

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diodati · 13/03/2017 20:33

If anyone answers this, please don't tell me to forget him or find someone else! I can't even think of that now.

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Jackeve · 13/03/2017 21:15

Aww I'm so sorry. It sounds very much like he does love you but has been forced into this by his job. Is his job quite specialised ? Is there no way he could find a job doing the same thing in this country ? xx

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diodati · 14/03/2017 01:46

Yes, he is a professor, an academic. This is who he is, not just his job. Tenure is hard to come by, very hard. And to have financial stability and security, he has to accept it.

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Ellisandra · 14/03/2017 07:38

Wow, if he posted his side of that...

If I were you, I would send him a message apologising for your reaction, wishing him well, and explaining that choosing no contact was the best option for you to get through this.

But I'd also think about how you're going to manage this with your children. You say it's a long term relationship and that they love him. If that's true, don't just put them through him disappearing!! Explain the sad reality of work and priorities and that you are both choosing to split up. And if they need to say goodbye (or even stay in touch if they are older and really do love him?) arrange that.

I'm sorry you're hurting, and I expect my post is not what you want to hear. Time will help, but I'm sorry for the pain you'll have to go through

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diodati · 15/03/2017 05:50

I suppose he'll ring them once they get back from visiting their dad. I think he should speak to them in person but I don't see how that's possible now. I can't see him because if I did, I would probably beg him not to leave. I can't help but feel that he should put us first. I know it's unreasonable and selfish to expect that, under the circumstances. Damn it, why can't he become a cabinet-maker or something? He's very good with his hands.

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Ellisandra · 15/03/2017 07:37

Why can't you become a

You seriously would stop your children seeing a man who has been in their life for a long time, whom they love, for a proper 'goodby'me' because you can't handle it?

Big girl pants time.

How are they going to feel when someone they love exists their life on just a phone call?

Time to explain to them that life can be hard, that people can behave well in break ups, and let them choose how they say goodbye.

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TheNaze73 · 15/03/2017 07:53

I think you really need to cut him some slack. A person who is driven, loves their work & has a chance to experience another country and culture, should be encouraged not, shouted at.
If I'd had that reaction from someone they'd be blocked. You can't throw a tantrum when you don't get your own way. A lot of people, who are that way inclined, will put work before a relationship.
The positives are, you're not married, you have no ties & are have a blank canvass to start the rest of your life with. Be pleased it's happened now, not years down the line. Good luck

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ocelot7 · 15/03/2017 08:10

From the OP it seems you broke up with him! Perhaps it was difficult for him to bring up because he feared your reaction would be thus. What are you going to say to your children? If they are as close as you say, you really need to let them see him to say goodbye.

As an academic, I'm interested what branch of academia is THAT specialised but people do have to move for jobs & he may well move again - possibly back to your country. He may also enjoy practical things but not be proficient enough to make a living from it.

Do you really love him & want the best for him?

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yecartmannew · 15/03/2017 08:15

I know you said your'e dc are settled in school but is there really no way for you to go with him.?

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hellsbellsmelons · 15/03/2017 08:22

I feel for you. This must be horrible and very hard for you.
Your reaction wasn't the best but understandable.
Could you not have a long distance relationship?
Many people do.
Maybe make the most of the rest of his time here and say goodbye nicely?

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Chinnygirl · 15/03/2017 08:22

I'm sorry but your reaction sounds a bit over the top to me. You could relocate, the kids will get used to the new place quicker than you. I lived on 3 different continents in my childhood. I hated every move and then came to love the new country almost instantly. This was before skype, email, cheap phonelines and the internet. Also you might try to have a long distance relationship.

If the guy is really lovely you could try to think in solutions instead of problems. You can still talk to each other daily where ever you are. Maybe you shpuldn't be so definative and think about this first.

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Guavaf1sh · 15/03/2017 08:26

Don't worry I'm sure if you apologised he would instantly forgive you. As others have said - can you not move yourself to be with him?

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WannaBe · 15/03/2017 08:29

If we'd had the other side of this i.e. A poster posted that they'd been offered a job abroad and taking it was necessary and their partner had reacted by telling them they never wanted to see or speak to them again, the consensus would be that they were well rid and to move on. Better now than several years and a marriage down the line...

Your reaction was completely unreasonable and would make me wonder whether you actually love him or just love what he represents. If you loved him you would find a way to make this work - in the short term at least. You wouldn't just have dumped him on the spot if this had been a serious relationship.

So, you need to tell your DC, it's not his responsibility, it's yours, given you're the one who ended the relationship. And you need to allow them to say goodbye to him in whichever way they want. If that means seeing him then you're just going to have to suck it up.

FWIW I do understand that sometimes relationships are just untennable and that perhaps if this was going to be a permanent move you couldn't see how it had a future. But your reaction was entirely disproportionate, and I'd be surprised if he even wanted to try after this. I know I wouldn't.

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diodati · 15/03/2017 13:14

He didn't discuss it with me but presented his decision as a fait accompli. That was what made me angry, Of course I want him to be fulfilled professionally and I do support his decision but he presented this with no preamble. He didn't suggest we relocate with him, either.