Everything's gone a bit weird

[chickenstock]

And this feels weird too, sharing it, but I would really value some advice....
Last autumn DP and I split up. We'd been distant, unhappy, for some time and neither of us wanted our children to live through the long, protracted parental disputes of our own childhoods. He moved out to a flat nearby, our dc stayed with me, but he has seen them several times a week. We were civil, friendly even - it felt like the model breakup, even though we still have some weighty financial things to sort out. But then last week he told me that he's started seeing someone else, and my whole world collapsed. All the grief and anger came out and I shouted and cried, went off food, drank too much - basically did all the things that are fairly normal after a breakup, but that hadn't happened when he first moved out. Then, to further confuse everything, we started talking properly about all the emotions and things that had gone wrong between us, and suddenly we felt closer than we'd felt in years, and one thing led to another and we had sex..... Now I have no idea what to do. For my own sanity I feel like I shouldn't see him but of course that's not an option with the dc to consider. And I've gone from a place of being contented that we'd made the right decision, if lonely, to now feeling completely unsure about everything. Is this all because I don't want someone else to have him, but if so is that just because I'm hurt, or do I want him back? He's not a bad person or particularly sexual so I don't think at all that this is just a physical thing for him, but equally that could be the same with the 'other woman'. Has anyone experienced anything like this before? Any ideas, please?

[Laska5772]

This sort of happened to me ( over 25 years ago). MY exh left 2 weeks after our DS was born for someone else , he had only just met .. (I know this is true, he met her on sponsored cycling trip that had been long planned before the birth , which was late) ..

It was nearly a whole year before I even started getting upset about it.. I think I was just dealing with a tiny baby and hadnt even begun processing the thought of a breakup.. He just couldnt believe it when I started actually getting angry with him , but thats how it was ..

I think its quite normal.. you were just living, coping and perhaps you hadnt quite taken it all on board as much as you had thought you had .. ..
Please dont be too hard on yourself . Grief ( for that is what it is) takes strange patterns sometimes.. and sometimes its easier if its so final , that you cant do anything else but realise it is final ( like in a death) ..

Perhaps it didnt really feel final to you until you actually realised it is? ..
[flowers} to you . I am sure that you are a stong woman and will come see (once you have understandably grieved) that this is not an end , but a beginning

[JK1773]

I agree with Laska. Sounds like your grief has come pouring out. You will go through all sorts of emotions right now. Don't make any decisions now about whether you want him back or not. Try to give yourself some space and time to clear your head and think. Definitely don't beat yourself up though

[chickenstock]

Thank you so much for that reply Laska. People would say I'm strong in most areas of life, but I've completely crumbled this week. I can't imagine how you coped with what you went through but it's good to know there's light at the end of the tunnel. If it really is over then I probably need to accept it now but it all feels so confusing after recent events.

[Laska5772]

chickenstock well my experience was rather extreme and I wouldnt wish it on anyone!..
It took a while, but then I realised that him leaving like that was the best thing that could have happened . ( he didnt want to be a father..it seems , and I didnt want Ds to have a father who didnt want him.. exh , went onto be with several other women after that and strangely it was never him , but them ....Ihave no idea where he is now and dont care. ) ..
Ds is 26 now.. I met someone really great 23 years ago and married him after a few years..

But your situation is different , I realise that .. It will take time, but I am confident that you will come through.. just try and be gentle with yourself, ( but its ok to rave and wail and have some when you need), remembering that each day you are becoming stronger even if it doesnt feel much like it now
xx

[Laska5772]

Oh and I had sex with my ex about two years after the break up.. How mad?. We had got together to talk and a bit of the old tenderness resurfaced , even after it all.. It was strange.. and kind of like a final good bye..I had no regrets at the time or after, because knew then and there that this was putting a full stop on things.....

I have never told anyone at all about this actually, .. (and here i am posting it on the internet!)

[theoracleofdelphi]

Yes it's really common to feel this way - when you make a decision calmly without drama you feel ok but when the reality hits (like ex moving on) it all becomes painfully real. Then the emotions rise up and hysterical bonding follows. I went through it all myself. The truth of whether you really want each other back will surface but otherwise it's just that last emotional goodbye

[chickenstock]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I'm glad it's not just me who has reacted in such a strange way. I wish I knew what was in his head though.

[BlueFolly]

Definitely don't make any permanent decisions in the aftermath of grief.

[Toobloodytired]

Hey Op,

Quick run down, my marriage ended 16 months ago.

I didn't cry, I didn't feel much to be honest, me and my ex stopped complete contact in April of 2016.

Only NOW am I grieving for the end of my marriage and the fact my ex is now and has been with someone new for at least 8 months!

You'd think I'd have gone threw those emotions a long bloody too me ago, even considering I met someone else after, had a relationship with that person and fell pregnant!

The second relationship ended 4 months ago, why the hell am I grieving the end of my marriage!

Grief is so very baffling if I'm honest.

[HappenstanceMarmite]

Because, up until he started seeing someone else, there was always the thought - probably right in the back of your mind/subconsciously - that you could get back together if you wanted to.

I went through this. Was with someone for 11 years - the final two years was a toxic blend of break up/make up. It was always me who wanted out. Then, during the last protracted break up, it became clear that he'd moved on. His behaviour toward me changed (he'd stopped trying to win me back) but he wouldn't admit he was seeing anyone. When I finally found out that he had met someone new, I fell apart. I begged him to come back. All the misery and tears were with me for months and I tried everything in the book to win him back (the shame of it) Well he didn't come back and thank gawd for that! But hysterical bonding has a lot to answer for...