Hello MN, could do with a bit of handholding as I try to navigate my dysfunctional immediate family - input from anyone with similar experiences would be appreciated.
I am in my early thirties and have a brother who is less than 18 months older than me. We have a younger sister too who is 7ish years younger than us, so for much of our childhood it was just me and him.
We didn't get on as teenagers, which was aggravated by us both being sent to boarding school aged 10&11. I had a pretty terrible time and was bullied by the girls I shared a room with for years - I finally left after four years and went to a local state school where I immediately made friends and was a lot happier (although struggled with depression and self-harm as I had little self-esteem left after being bullied 24/7). He stayed on at boarding school until leaving for university, living in a boarding house full of teenage boys. He'd come home in the holidays and find it very hard and as a consequence would be very unpleasant to be around.
In the limited time that we were living together (school holidays only) we didn't get on at all. He would be quite cruel to me, spoil things I left about, go in my room and ruin things I liked, make things difficult for me etc. No individual act was huge so I always looked petty complaining but it added up to be quite miserable to be around him. The dynamic was always that he'd wind me up and when I got wound up would be told it was my fault for rising to it, to just ignore it.
This has pretty much continued ever since, except we're now both adults. I was pretty low contact with my family through my twenties, seeing them as little as once a year. I didn't feel that I could be honest about my life - I didn't come out to them until I was 29, didn't tell them I had many visible tattoos until I was 30! My family in general is quite dysfunctional, largely from all the kids getting sent away to school at different points, both parents working away at times. When I was doing my a-levels both siblings were off at boarding school and both parents were working away leaving me alone at home most of the week. Getting myself up for school, revising for exams alone etc. It was lonely and I was very happy to leave home and make my own life.
I spent my twenties having various adventures including living abroad, travelling a fair bit and doing human rights work. I didn't see my family including my brother much at all, but did find a group of friends that became a surrogate family. I'd always go to friends for support and encouragement rather than my family, and I feel lucky to have them.
In the meantime my brother worked an office job and climbed the ladder, so he is now doing well, owns his own house, travels a lot etc. But he isn't particularly happy and doesn't really have any friends. He's never introduced a partner to the family and I think spends a lot of time alone. I think spending his entire adolescence in an all male institution was damaging for him, and he basically lost normal family life aged 11.
I'd consider myself the black sheep of the family and in the past have felt quite sorry for myself about it, which I've now moved beyond. I'm content in the life I've built, am in a very healthy and supportive relationship and am currently pregnant with a baby who was planned and much hoped for. Compared to my brother I earn peanuts, but I have a respected 'hero' type job that my parents make a big deal of - and which has largely counterbalanced how weird I am to them! I feel like they've finally accepted that I paddle my own canoe and while they thought I was going off the rails as a teenager I was actually just working out how I wanted to be.
The problem is that things with my brother have become more and more toxic, to the point of total meltdown last Christmas. For years I would have to work every Christmas so I'd go and see my family a few days later. From the first year this happened he specifically left in time to avoid me. Literally leaving hours before I arrived, leaving no present for me or any communication. This continued for a few years - I kind of got that he resented me coming home to tea and medals and it made him jealous. But it seemed quite petty - which I played into, not getting him presents either or talking to him about it.
I didn't see him for three years until I visited my parents to introduce my then-new partner a couple of years ago. He was unpleasant to be around, making boorish jokes and creating a tense atmosphere. Then disappearing off to watch TV while we went for a walk. I spent a long time debriefing with my partner on the way home and did spend a lot of time thinking about why he finds me difficult, and why he struggles around family. I get that he is insecure and unhappy and that I push his buttons. I've always had friends and had a strong sense of self- he found this quite laughable and pathetic when I was a cliche angsty teenager wearing black and rebelling but in the long run I think being happy to be weird had meant I'm a lot more content than he is.
I resolved to try harder with him - as a teenager I would retaliate to him by being mean but I haven't done so for years. I would certainly never make low blows about the things I know he struggles with, like not having friends. But then I probably don't need to. I planned telling my parents I was pregnant a bit before xmas because I didn't want to make it hard for him by scene-stealing on actual xmas day (I didn't have to work it due to being pregnant so did a family Christmas for the first time in years). I got his number off my sister and texted him to tell him the news so he heard it first hand.
I was prepared for Christmas to be a bit difficult. I was expecting him to try and wind me up about Brexit, Trump, etc so had really steeled myself to stay out of it and not get upset. I managed ok for the first 24 hours or so but he really just got
more and more belligerent. Meal times were the worst because we'd be trapped round a table with him. After his first jokes didn't get a reaction he got more offensive, saying homophobic things (me and my partner are both bisexual), making comments about fat people and then escalating further to making anti-Semitic comments on two separate occasions. These would be met with an awkward silence by my parents and sister, but eventually I started getting wound up and telling him to go and eat somewhere else. This would immediately escalate things and he'd get aggressive with me, then my parents would kind of shout us both down and silence would be restored. They'd tell me not to rise to it, just like when I was a teenager. He's never been told not to intentionally provoke me. By the last meal I was choking my food down and fighting the urge to grab my partner and leave. On xmas day me and DP went for a nap just to have a break from him for a couple of hours. I had tried really hard not to get wound up but he just got worse and worse.
If he was mean about me personally I'd find it easier to ignore because there's nothing he can say about my life that'd really hurt. But when he comes out with political bile (which I don't think he even believes) I do struggle. I care deeply about things - I spent a fair amount of time at the Jungle in Calais last year for example doing medical work, and it was pretty emotionally devastating to work with lone children and make friends there. He can say horrible stuff about refugees and it doesn't mean anything to him, but it really upsets me. It's basically the one leverage he has over me and he knows it.
This wasn't supposed to be an essay so I'll stop oversharing... Basically I made it through Christmas until just as we were leaving then a confrontation flared which ended with me crying and really upset. While he was shouting at me I felt myself choking up and even tried to will myself not to cry in case he thought it was manipulative! But I'm not a robot and there's a limit so I ended up in tears and leaving shortly after.
I've talked it through a lot with my DP and I think it wasn't too shocking that it got so bad. I think I push his buttons, and the happier I am the more he hates me. Coming back for Christmas with a partner and pregnant pushed him over the edge and he was nastier and nastier to me in an attempt to make me leave. I do get why he finds me difficult but I also don't know what I could ever do to get round that, other than have my life fall apart so he feels that fairness is restored, or detach myself from the family which I have already done for a long time and I'm trying to rebuild a little as I get older. His behaviour is clearly rooted in unhappiness but even understanding that, it's so toxic to be around.
I decided to go no contact with him after Christmas, because I realised that I have no memory of him being nice to me since we were kids. This isn't a rough patch for him, and he's not working on his issues. I don't know what it will take to make him reflect a little but as it is I can absolutely imagine him aged 50 doing the same thing, except even more bitter that he doesn't have the life he feels entitled to. Christmas was throughly miserable and it seems masochistic to put myself, my DP and future kid through that.
I've told my family that I don't want to see him - it's not difficult for them as we all live far apart and don't meet up much anyway. I have one elderly and unwell grandparent and I'm preparing myself to navigate her funeral at some point but other than can probably avoid him for years. It feels quite freeing to finally say enough is enough. But I'm also struggling with the feeling that I've helped cause a rift in the family, and feel like a failure that I'll have a sibling I don't talk to. I don't want my parents to have to take sides but also feel frustrated that he never seems to have any comeback for his behaviour. They never challenge him which leaves me feeling very isolated - and when things blow up they're not affected. I've found myself detaching from them again which feels sad after I've tried in recent years to rebuild things, especially as I'm pregnant. I feel like he's bullying me out of the family, but also like if I insist on staying put then I'm just subjecting myself to more aggression from him. So it's lose-lose.
I was very upset for a couple of weeks after Christmas but I do have my own life and good friends so there's not a gaping family shaped hole, but I feel sad a lot and have had anxiety dreams where my parents trick me into seeing him. I've had bad pregnancy insomnia and will sometimes get stuck thinking about it all when I can't sleep.
I'm not sure what advice I need! Maybe just some reassurance that it's ok to cut contact. Or advice from someone who relates- or is in this situation a few years down the line. I'm not trying to make myself out to be a helpless victim, but I have also thought about things so much and tried so hard to be friendly and non-confrontational with him. I hope I don't sound smug about my job and life - I am quite self-critical and certainly don't have as rosy a view of my job as most people do. But those aren't nuances that my brother has ever been interested in so I don't think he takes them into consideration. I think fundamentally he sees me as the favourite, whereas my actual experience is of having a very guarded and limited relationship with my family.
Sorry for the essay!
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Toxic brother - feeling guilty about going nc
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adlertippa · 07/03/2017 22:15
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