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Abusive ex threatening court / lied to solicitor - advice please !(15 Posts)
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My ex was DV in our relationship and DD said late last year that he was violent to her as well. I contacted SS and reported to HV who supported my decision to reduce contact to only supervised with his mother as be supervising person. They both initially agreed to this although ex denied that he had hurt DD and tried to claim I was putting words in her mouth etc. SS spoke to ex and then were no longer interested, said it didn't meet their threshold & we should sort it out between us & that I should seek legal advice. I then moved home with DD at the beginning of this year to be closer to my family & ex-partner knew about this as I discussed it with him in the summer & he agreed to it. I put the plans on hold but the started to put them into motion again around December as ex P and his Mum were harassing me, lying to me, his Mum lied about where DD was when she was supposed to be looking after her overnight she took DD instead to her Dad's house against my wishes and without my consent or knowledge. Only found out afterwards. After this I told her I no longer needed her help with childcare or babysitting. I cut all contact with her as she stared to text me horrible stuff, accusing me of being mentally unstable, damaging my daughter, she emailed my therapist & said I was distorting reality & lying about her son being violent to me/DD.
I did report to Women's Aid and my GP counselling service at the time when we broke up 1.5 years ago & I am going to be assessed for Legal Aid this week at a Solicitors.
Ex has sent me Letter from his Solicitor saying I moved without prior discussion with him which is a lie... he suggested I move in mediation and we discussed it.
In mediation he was intimidating, I found it very stressful, I don't think the mediator handled him well at all. I felt very pressured into agreeing to overnight contact again when my concerns had no been resolved. I still have concerns about his temper, addiction etc. I want him to assure me that is addressing it and how ie. Group Therapy etc.. but he wouldn't give me any details.
At one point in the mediation session, the mediator let it run in for an hour longer than it was supposed to. Felt like I was severely pressured as he was constantly threatening court etc & at one point bashing his hands on the table and barking at me to write dates in my diary. He mediator said nothing.
I don't want to go back to that mediator & I don't know if mediation is even right for us considering the past abuse & his manipulation & dominance of the sessions/me in general.
In the solicitors letter it said he was keen to try and resolve in mediation before court.
What should I reply ? Considering he lied about the unilaterally relocating ... yes I have limited contact but he has still seen her every weekend & had FaceTime in the week all encouraged by me as don't want to shut him out or my daughter to feel that she's lost her Dad.
But at the same time I want to protect her & feel I've done everything I can. I feel he needs a psychological assessment too as he has said in the past (and I have seen it during our relationship) that he suffers from bi polar to some degree.
What can I do legally & what questions should I be asking my solicitor if they take on my case with legal aid ? How should I reply to the solicitors letter ?
Just wanted to send you support, whilst you're waiting for the wise and experienced, who will be along shortly.
On the move and his 'new' version of events,
Is there any minutes/record of the mediation?
Everything must now be in writing, if his memory is so faulty
If he's still seeing Dd, what difference does it make anyway? Sounds like he's just trying to weaponise your decision, so that he can beat you round the head with it
Mediation following DV is a no-no.
Thanks for responses so far, DD is 3 this summer. She's always had super advanced speech and incredible memory (I've been a nanny for 10 years so I have a lot of experience with kids, not just being a doting Mum!) so everything she said re: abuse I believe her.
I think he was genuinely remorseful but has panicked and tried to twist it and turn it around on me once he realised I was reporting it. I don't think he can control his temper & that is what worries me but I do think overall he is a good Dad & don't want to stop her having a relationship with him. I just want to know I have protected her & he is kicking up a fuss because he doesn't want me to have power to dictate when he sees her etc or change it. (Even based on concerns or abusive behaviour) I also am not very happy with him having overnight so often. Until my concerns are a bit more resolved then I feel I want to limit the amount of time she spends in his sole care. He wants to take me to court / pressure me in mediation as he doesn't think I should be able to do that. If I don't agree to more mediation (I said yes to maybe shuttle mediation) then he has said he will file for court but not sure he even has the money for it as I know he is heavily in debt.
Yes he pays a good amount of £ for DD every month though. He was 3 weeks late with it this month though & I didn't realise, had to remind him.
Oh and yes there is a memorandum of understanding that the mediator sent us basically saying that although he was anxious that he wouldn't see enough of DD, we said we would make it work. So there is notes there about us discussing the move in mediation and the details of the move are outlined in the MOU.
So, he is being untruthful about about your move being a unilateral decision. He is trying to threaten you over something you can prove( from the memorandum of the mediation ) is false. This seems to me both bullying, and stupid. I hope you get good legal advice. Get the advice before you respond.
The far bigger issue is your CD's contact with a father who has been abusive to her. If it this were me, it would be contact centre or nothing.
I really think there are many people on MN who can support and advise you. I think you would be getting a bigger and more helpful response if your thread was moved, from legal, to hmm, not sure where- relationships? Divorce and separation? As relative newcomer, I don't know where would be best, or how to do this . Strongly suggest you contact MNHQ and ask. The support you will get by doing this will help a lot.
@NancyPiecrust Hope I've got this right, if so you will get email to let you know I've posted
I reported my own post to MNHQ , saying maybe your thread would benefit from being moved, so you get the wealth of support and advice you deserve. Don't know if it would also be a good idea for you to ask MNHQ as well. Hope that helps.
Thanks so much for responses... yes you're right... i had a short solicitors appointment on phone as didn't yet have all paperwork for legal aid for face to face appointment. But now my GP has said they can provide a Safeguarding so I will def get Legal Aid. Face to face appointment with my solicitor on Tues. She said she will then get a letter in response together and a plan of action but I don't know what I want to do and I am scared of the fall out. I don't want him to have her overnight at all. But he supposed to be having her one night this weekend. I just don't want to go through with it. I have been pressured so much by him and the lack of support from Brent SS to "brush it under the carpet" but I feel sick with the the thought that he could snap and do something abusive to her .. as he has in the past. He can be super nice and charming and then he switches / when something isn't going his way or when someone doesn't do what he wants. He is a bully, that's for sure. But don't want her to lose out either by not having any kind of relationship with her Dad at all. But also I want to formalise so she lives with me and only me & if anything happens to me, she won't automatically go to live with him kinda thing.. and want to make sur he can't just keep her during contact one time IYSWIM ? And stop overnights.
Evening folks. We're going to move this over from Legal Matters to Relationships in a mo at the OP's request.
I'm glad you're seeing solicitor on Tuesday.
You're sounding very reasonable; you want DD to have a relationship with her DF, but you also want to keep her safe. I understand courts like to see reasonable, if it comes to that.
Changing the contact may not go down well with someone who likes to get his own way.
If it were me, the tummy bug that's going round might prevent contact till you've had a chance to see the solicitor : but I suggest you listen to the advice of others with more experience of these matters.
Glad to see you're moving to relationships soon.
Thanks so much, any other advice or anyone been through something similar now that this has moved to Relationships board? Just a bump really. Thanks.
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