Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can you get the spark back?

6 replies

Rainbowcat1 · 23/02/2017 16:48

Hi just wondering if anyone had any advice please.

Background - we have been together 17 years and married for 10 years. We have two primary school aged children.

We have recently moved over an hour and a half away and nearer to my family. Since the move I feel our marriage it lacking that spark that we always had. We had quite a stressful time before the move a family death and then obviously moving and during this time I feel we lost touch with each other.

On paper my husband and my life is brilliant - kind, gentle, great with the children, no money worries, I don't have to work etc. But I just feel we have no fun anymore together and feel I am spending more time feeling sad about this.

Our sex life died after having the children but since raising how I feel just before Christmas we seem to have manage to get this back on track. Although, I would still like to have sex more than my husband.

We are trying to have date nights when we can get someone to look after the children. We are also talking more about how we feel. I was wondering whether going to Relate may help?

Some days I feel like we can work it out, how lucky I am to have a lovely husband & positive about the future. However, other days I just feel I am slowly dying inside and can't face another 40 years or more of this.

Just wondering if anyone else has felt the same and manage to get that spark back?

OP posts:

Report

Triskel · 23/02/2017 16:58

Go for counselling sooner rather than later.
If your marriage is basically sound and you can talk to each other, I am wondering what you feel the alternative is that would make you happier? Would a different partner be better or will you be in the same situation in another 10 years but with a blended family?
I ask because it seems to me that in situations like yours, the problem isn't really the marriage or the partner. It's within you. What are you lacking inside that you are attributing to your relationship?
Maybe individual counselling for yourself might help you delve into this first, sontht you may be sure it is the marriage and not your own lack of inner fulfilment that is the problem before you go into a mid life crisis.

Report

triedandrusted · 23/02/2017 17:09

He sounds like a lovely man. I actually agree with Triskel - maybe your marriage is really fine for one of that length, and what you should be looking at is your own personal life, if you see what I mean. Is there anything you've always wanted to do, but never found the time? Like learn to knit, or write a novel, or train to be a counsellor, or become a kayaking instructor, or attend a fine art course, or volunteer in a soup kitchen, or train for a triathlon, or climb the three peaks? All those things take time and training, so you could start to work towards them, or whatever it is you want....

For what it's worth, I think the spark that you have at the start of a relationship inevitably morphs into more of a warm glow. Sometimes not so warm, and sometimes warmer...

Report

Rainbowcat1 · 23/02/2017 18:25

Thanks triskel & triedandrusted - my mum has said something similar. I think I just feel stuck in an endless routine and want to have some fun before we get too old.

Our children are now at the stage where they don't need me 24/7. I am trying to find things to do outside of the home. I have found a job that I can do but it is 0 hours based and I have to do the school runs as my husband travels a lot for work. I am also trying to make new friends due to the move but obviously this takes time.

I think I need to remember how luck I am and try not to dwell on things. I don't want to get divorce, mainly for my children. However, this can be hard when I am feeling down things ans turns into a negative cycle. Maybe counselling on my own is a good idea.

OP posts:

Report

TheNaze73 · 23/02/2017 20:53

I think counselling ASAP, whilst you still want it to work, should be your first step

Report

HeddaGarbled · 23/02/2017 23:34

I think you are bored, not with your husband and marriage specifically but with your life. Being a SAHM can do this to you. I think you need a proper job and also to develop some friendships and activities so that you have more in your life than your family.

It is possible to fit jobs round school runs, either by working part time or by using childminders and/or before and after school clubs. Also, as you've moved nearer to your family, are any of them willing to help out?

I don't really believe in "the spark". When couples get together, sexual attraction is high. After 10 years, it's normal for this to have died off. That's why so many people have affairs or move on. But 10 years on, they'll feel exactly the same about the new partner.

Report

Rainbowcat1 · 24/02/2017 09:52

Thank you both for your suggestions. I am starting to think maybe the problem is me rather than my marriage! Unfortunately getting a 'proper' job isn't possible due to my husband's travel commitments. My family are still a good 45 mins drive away so not really feasible to help out all the time.

I am slowly making friends here and try and see some old school friends when I grew up when I can. I have been looking at courses as well. I go to the gym regularly as that makes me feel better.

I know I would be stupid to throw my marriage away and like you said even if I did and met someone new in 10 years time I will most probably feel the same way.

I just need to try and stay positive but like I said sometimes that can be difficult x