Struggling to keep my head above water. (Mother related)

[PhoebeGetsIt]

Everyday I wake up and I'm filled with dread. My son is 20 months old and he loves to climb, jump, screech and shout, pull everything out, bite, hit etc. I find his behaviour hard to deal with as I have never had anything like this with his sister (who's almost 7). DH works 30 hours as a chef and is a very good dad except the fact that he seems to think I sit on my arse all day. We haven't got very much money at the moment which is making me feel trapped at home. I go for walks to get some sanity as we live in a very small 2 bed flat. Due to my son's behaviour I cannot leave him unsupervised so don't get to do much housework until he's asleep or his dad can keep an eye on him.
My mother has basically came storming into my home and said it's a disgusting mess and took my DAD out for the day.
I feel so worthless and have done for a while. She's always having a go at me for something. DH says ignore her.
I know it's not forever and DS will settle down eventually. I'm working really hard to curb his behaviour but it's hard. I'm trying to keep on top of things but I'm exhausted. I don't sleep well and also have infection after infection (which is finally being investigated).
Before Xmas my son was in hospital with sepsis and pneumonia and apparently I wasn't upset enough. According to my mother I didn't grasp this situation properly. My son almost died, he needed surgery and I was by his side everyday. She never saw me and DH break down on a night time on the HDU nor did she see us sobbing in the corridor when we had to leave him in the theatre. His hospital stay is being investigated by a lead matron as he was sent home before the sepsis was discovered I'm so broken that she could think I didn't care.
I told her to stop and got accused of being argumentative when all she's doing is pointing out what needs.
I dunno how much longer I can live like this. I can't see things improving soon. I dunno how to make it better. I'm fed up of having no money and feeling trapped. Sometimes I feel like I'm being tolerated.

[PhoebeGetsIt]

*DD not dad

[loinnir]

Change the locks if she has a key and tell her not to come round if she is going to be negative. You do not need this toxicity in your life. Why does your husband think you sit around all day? Perhaps you should leave him with the kids for a few days so he can see how difficult it can be.

Try to ignore your mother's comments and start cutting her out. You ahve been through a really traumatic experience and are unwell you need uncritical support and love not this crap!

[665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast]

Your dh judges you for not doing enough?
Your mum judges your standard of housework
& Your emotional commitment to your children

You have limited resources to use and lots of problems.
What would supermum do?..yep. Exactly what you do
Eg. Take your son out & be clean enough but not sacrifice your family to housework and work towards changing what you can.
Point out to the people moaning at you that their expectations are completely unrealistic and are therefore based on quite poor observation skills and poor empathy of their own.
Do not take on board other people's judgements and beat yourself up with them. Sure they might like things to be different, so maybe they can find some spare time to change the world instead of whinging at you to do it like flipping toddlers, if they want.
Today you were Wondermum tomorrow you will be Captain Amazeballs..you are doing the best you can with the resources you have, that's what all superhero's actually do.

[swizzlestar]

20 months is a tough age, and must be a bit of a shock to the system to have such a physical child after your dd.

However, you're putting the safety and welfare of your children before the housework. Which is exactly right!

I'd tell your mother to stay away for a bit, and leave your dh to cope on his own too! 30 hours is not a full time job, he has plenty of time to help out with housework and raising his children.

[redexpat]

I would stop answering the phone and the door to your DM tbh. Just until you feel strong enough to deal with her.

Have you asked your dh why he thinks you sit on your arse all day? Would he like to try staying home for a week with 2 children, no money, and little space? How would you feel if you criticised his work?

I have 2dc and the second one was v different to the first. It is a shock.

Who do you have in your life who is entirely on your side? Do you have any friends? Do you get out to any toddler groups?

[redexpat]

Oh and I think it speaks volumes that your DM took the easier child out for the day leaving you with the demanding one.

[GallivantingWildebeest]

I'd keep your distance from your mum. She sounds toxic and she's not bringing anything positive to you. If she can't help you when you're having a hard time, then you can do without her.

30 hours is not a full time job - does your h pull his weight when he's home? Ask him to look after both DC for a day so you can have a break and he can see what it's like.

Big hugs.