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Please help me..(5 Posts)
Sorry, it's a long post
dh has received a very good job offer in the US. He has a good job here but he wants a change now. I want to support him but do not want to go. My reasons are many but the main is that our marriage, right from the beginning, has problems. I have tried to talk to him for last several years to go to couple therapy, read books or talk through our problems. He never seemed interested, and thinks he knew our problem better. We have almost non existent physical relationship right from the beginning of marriage - not the main issue but says a lot about health of our marriage. Finally after a lot requests, fights he agreed to go to couple therapy but he changed his mind about therapist after a few sessions - calling him biased (dh liked therapist after each session, but we had a break of few weeks and he changed his mind). It took me one year to convince him to see another one. He liked the new one but he doesn't really take his advice seriously. Disagrees with him about making efforts giving excuse that he has no hope of any improvement in our relationship. He uses therapist advice towards me as an argument to prove me wrong in fights. Both times we went to male therapists as dh didn't want to see female therapist, I was ok with that.
I have realised dh still had some baggage from past relationships and cannot trust easily. He had a troubled past. His family being very protective has also made him more cautious of those outside their own circle. Their intensions were to help him but before we got married their advise to him was geared more towards what to expect from prospective partner than teaching that both partners have equally valid needs and both need to contribute to make the marriage work. His mom also keeps giving her opinion of a good marriage and is open about her views of a good wife in subtle ways. His parents had a very traditional marriage, to some extent he is influenced by that as well. Also, in his family nobody disagrees with him, he had painful past, so they try to keep him happy (with some exceptions of passive comments with regards to me or our lifestyle). So a different opinion or point of view from me is taken as me not being supportive/ loving. -- (I met our therapist individually before dh joined, and therapist agreed these issues have affected our marriage greatly)
He told me after a trip back home, that he realised his family likes him so much whereas I am the one who finds fault in him. Even saying things like I felt bad about something is considered a serious fault finding. Throughout our marriage, he has changed his opinion about me very frequently - from 'most caring, supportive, you are too nice' to 'you are not genuinely caring, critical, have attitude problems' to again 'he is happy with me' and then 'not happy with me, can't see future with me'. This keeps going on. This is driving me crazy. I wanted to have a marriage based on trust, love and open communication. But dh judges me and gets overwhelmed/upset if I express my concerns, fears, sadness. I understand why he acted like this initially because he never saw anyone in his family opening up emotionally, he thought of it as a weakness in character or a complain. What I don't understand is even after I tried to explain him many times he still does not understand that I am not complaining. Now I try not to talk about my stresses unless it is really required like in the case of relocating to the US.
I came to UK after I got married (3 years ago). I am not working as we had to be with his family (in another country) for some time for a family emergency soon after I entered UK and when we came back our marriage was already full of stress, and then we travelled back to my home country because dh had some official trips and really like spending time there, I was happy because it meant spending time together in relaxed environment (now he says he compromised for me by going to my country when it was his idea when to go and how to go - his mum later did make a comment that we spent a lot of time there. I feel he gets influenced by such comments). My mum is a very easy going person with no expectations and rules, so we both can relax there and do whatever we like at home or outside with no worries about any side comments. Dh himself said he finds it more relaxing there than his own place. (I am not trying to say that my mum's place is better than his but it's unfair of him to say now that his visits to my country were compromises by him). Just to be clear there are 3 countries involved here on 3 different continents. Despite his mum's comments targeted at me, my cooking, eating habits, lifestyle, I still went to visit her only to support him. I didn't go recently because dh had told me not to visit there anymore. I was told later everybody missed me there, and that I don't like his family. I really liked him, and was supportive of him in the beginning and would get along with what he wanted but now I want to focus on my career and my life.
I love dh but I don't know how long I can go on like this. He screamed at me few times last year that he does not love me. Recently he told me I should know that he loves me a lot. I have told him that this stresses and confuses me a lot. But it seems like he can't control what he says when he is angry. When we are not fighting he cuddles me a lot. If I tell him I don't feel like cooking / not well, he understand. He would also make me tea, etc. I told him recently I want to focus on my career. He agreed. He encouraged me to start business and offered to give me money. But if he is upset, he would make a comment about me not doing much. He also likes to control a bit. In the past I was trying to work on a business idea, dh would want to know the progress. I felt he started acting like a boss. One time on our way to a supplier with me (in my country), he got upset and wanted to leave right away. I have realised I lack confidence and get easily dependant on/ influenced by him. I also think maybe he doesn't think I can manage business all by myself. We don't have any savings together. He gave me a credit card. It's not about money but it shows he is not sure about a future with me. Now in this circumstances, I don't want to go to US, I will be farther from home (Asia). It will take me a long time to start a career in a new country and I don't think our problems will stop just like that. dh thinks I am not supportive and he has left with no option but to decline this opportunity. I told him if things were better, I would have trailed him. His answer was - 'No you wouldn't'. I wonder what kind of person he thinks I am. He doesn't understand my concerns and says how other expats and their families manage. He said I am fixated with UK. I am happy to leave UK, but moving to an unknown foreign country is stressful, and in our present circumstances and him not being understanding and supportive, I don't want to move farther away from my home country (it's over 25 hour flight, and 12 hour time difference). I feel sad because I really liked him and wanted to grow old with him, and thought he wanted the same. His level of commitment to our marriage changes depending on if we he is upset with or not. Now he says he won't take this opportunity. I don't want him to give up his career ambitions for me. I think he has what it takes to be at the top of corporate ladder. I want to tell him to go as this job means a lot to him. This would mean our marriage ending, this makes me very sad. Please can you give me a balanced and non judgemental perspective. It seems we both feel unsupported.
Lots of warning signs - honestly - you should just get out. If he's yelling at you that he doesn't love you one minute and on an even keel the next - he's too unpredictable. He doesn't sound like a good life partner. Good thing you don't have much of a physical relationship, because having a child with him would be a disaster.
He's too volatile, you know yourself this marriage isn't worth the effort you're putting in. Let him go to the US, alone.
Sounds like the perfect time to formalise a separation.
He goes to US you stay here and organise the divorce and get yourself a nice new life without this wanker in it.
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