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ex dp's new gf keen on spending time with our kids

(108 Posts)
grittypetal Thu 16-Feb-17 20:46:49

I have an unresolved relationship with ex dp, we have been together for over a decade. Now his new (first since splitting) gf of 35 is really keen on moving in with him. She's got no dc.
He told her he's not considering having kids with her in a near future, and she is quite keen on spending time with our kids. So whereas he used to come to the house to spend time with them she keeps suggesting they go over to his / hers.
I am worried she is trying to present herself as a great mother to speed up his pro-children decision process. For this reason I have been quite reserved about sending them over too much and asking him instead to come over, organising things for him to do with them on his own (I am not around at that time either).
AIBU?

Sweets101 Thu 16-Feb-17 20:49:55

I think you are overly invested tbh. Totally normal though. How long have you been split up for?
It's not really something he should be discussing with you.

TheNaze73 Thu 16-Feb-17 20:53:18

He's moved on, I think you need to as well. Must be tough.

grittypetal Thu 16-Feb-17 20:53:26

split up for over a year but in constant contact

Costacoffeeplease Thu 16-Feb-17 20:56:14

It's none of your business really, he has contact time with the children, and unless they're in any danger, it's up to him what he does with them - you shouldn't be organising his time with them at all

Bestthingever Thu 16-Feb-17 20:56:20

Maybe she just likes kids?

Gazelda Thu 16-Feb-17 20:57:28

I think that if he's been with new gf for more than about 4-6 months, you can't really justify preventing him from introducing the DC to her. It must hurt, and you are being protective of your DC, but he has moved on and you'll have to come to terms with that.

OneWithTheForce Thu 16-Feb-17 20:57:45

I am worried she is trying to present herself as a great mother to speed up his pro-children decision process.

It doesn't really matter what her motives are really, as long as he is taking goodbye care of his children during his contact it's really not your business. So what if she has a motive. If she is nice to the kids it doesn't matter.

OneWithTheForce Thu 16-Feb-17 20:58:10

Good care*

AQuietMind Thu 16-Feb-17 20:59:43

I think you are being totally unreasonable to expect him to have contact with the dc in your home. You need to stand back and allow the dc to have a relationship with him on their own, regardless of his GF.

HelenDenver Thu 16-Feb-17 21:00:23

Whether she is there or not, wouldn't it be better if contact is at his place, not yours? Must be confusing for the kids to only see him when you are there too - ?

HelenDenver Thu 16-Feb-17 21:02:09

Also, how do you know she's keen to move in, wants kids etc? You probably shouldn't know these things,

Maybe she's just uncomfortable with him coming regularly to his ex DP's house (fair point if so!)

Sweets101 Thu 16-Feb-17 21:02:19

I don't think it sounds like either of you have moved on very effectively.
I think you need to work on that OP before you end up causing yourself a lot of harm

Whocansay Thu 16-Feb-17 21:03:44

Sorry, but I think YABU. Surely this is a good thing for your children if his girlfriend is interested in them and will be kind / welcoming to them? And it's good that they see their DF without you there, as otherwise it could be confusing for them. I really don't see an issue here. You seem to be being unnecessarily territorial.

Or do you think it's too soon for your ex to be introducing someone new?

JustSpeakSense Thu 16-Feb-17 21:04:47

It is perfectly understandable that you are hurt and this is difficult for you.

However, you need to start cutting ties with your ex, your DC should be spending time with him at his house, away from you.

His gf should not factor into any of this, their relationship and plans should not concern you.

You need to move on from ex, you will not find your own happiness until you do.

Pacha11 Thu 16-Feb-17 21:06:55

You are being ridiculously unreasonable. Enjoy the free childcare. It's obvious you still have feelings and honestly I don't blame you at all. But you have to draw the line somewhere and avoid looking ridiculous to outsiders. Sorry.

rollonthesummer Thu 16-Feb-17 21:08:08

split up for over a year but in constant contact

This makes it sound like you still want a hold over him. You've split up-he can see the kids at his own place!

user1487279241 Thu 16-Feb-17 21:09:40

Yep, rather move on hun... life's too short!!!!

LemonSqueezy0 Thu 16-Feb-17 21:13:07

You seem very controlling and want everything your own way. He is your ex, so let him live his life. You are making alot of assumptions about his (new) partner, and I think for your own sanity you need to take a couple of steps back.

SuperFlyHigh Thu 16-Feb-17 21:13:51

What's wrong with this? At least she wants to try and build a relationship with the kids.

Their relationship now is none of your business and hopefully your ex DP will not tell you anything else or maybe you should ask him not to tell you anything else about her/their plans as it really isn't healthy.

Concentrate on your own relationship if you have one or be happy being single.

Canlifegetbetter Thu 16-Feb-17 21:19:23

It maybe unresolved from your side but it seems like your ex has moved on.
It's painful to end a long relationship but it sometimes is for the best in the long run.

jules179 Thu 16-Feb-17 21:19:46

This is really not your concern, he should not be using your place to see them, and constant contact seems odd.

Is there anything in particular keeping this situation unresolved? It doesn't seem like either of you have moved on if there is constant contact.

SmoothiesRule Thu 16-Feb-17 21:24:05

OP are you in a new relationship yourself? If you are, please try and focus on strengthening that, if you are not maybe it's time you started going out a bit more, meeting new people. Don't waste your time analysing the details of ex's relationship it will only bring you pain.

HermioneJeanGranger Thu 16-Feb-17 21:46:53

YABU.

He needs to spend time with his kids away from you and your home. Whether he introduces his girlfriend to them or not is sadly none of your business. He can have whoever he wants around his children - as can you on your time.

Why are you trying to insist contact is at your house?

anxiousnow Thu 16-Feb-17 21:59:58

Gritty, what do you mean by unresolved relationship? Plus you say you have been together 10 years as in present tense, not had been together. It sounds like you still have feelings for him. Did you hope that you would get back together?
I am sorry as I know it is really hard to move on, especially when kids are involved. Maybe he is equally reluctant if he is happy to come to yours to see kids and have constant contact. How long has he been with new gf and is it him that is discussing his relationship with you or have you been told by someone else?

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