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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Online dating and I'm annoyed with myself!

32 replies

housewifedesperate · 13/02/2017 23:17

Just that really. I've been dating this man, only for a month or so but things seemed to be going really well.
He suddenly withdrew so I asked him outright what was going on. He told me he thought I wanted more than him. I was slightly annoyed as I didn't think I'd given this impression, quite the opposite infact. I thought he was more into me.
Anyway, he says he still wants to go out but I see he's still active on the site we met on so he's probably dating others. I don't know how I feel about this and whether I should actually ask if he's dating other women?
Has anyone ever had the same dilemma. My gut instinct right now is to walk away because I feel I deserve better.
What is it with these men?

OP posts:

Report

FetchezLaVache · 13/02/2017 23:22

Trust your gut! He sounds like a player. Only one reason his OLD profile's still active. It should be a bit more joyful than this a month in!

housewifedesperate · 13/02/2017 23:25

I know and I've told myself that. Onwards and upwards. Just don't know what their motivations are. I couldn't mess people about like that

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Thattwatoverthere · 13/02/2017 23:27

How did you leave it with him? Awful as it sounds (and feels), he might be keeping his options open hence giving you the excuse he did. There's no harm in asking if he's still dating/looking as far as I see it. Are you still online also?

I've had a similar-ish experience over the last 6 weeks but it didn't take long for him to say that he saw us as friends and we had a FWB arrangement which worked for me - it's turned more into a FB thing now (if that makes sense) which I'm not ok with so I'll probably either have to have a conversation or fizzle it out. He's still online too - all the time - but I am too so it's ok for me. We frequently ask if the other has been on a date, I did once and he looked a bit at me which amused me. He says he hasn't but not sure whether to believe him really.

Ultimately it's good that you find out sooner rather than later whether to keep on dating him or move on.

LellyMcKelly · 13/02/2017 23:28

If you haven't had the 'exclusive' chat then you're not exclusive. You might want to think about getting back on the dating site yourself.

housewifedesperate · 13/02/2017 23:31

Yeah, I suppose he's been quite honest really. I'm just annoyed as he was the one who did the love bombing thing and I was quite cool about it.
I've got my head round it now tho' and feel like the ball's in my court so to speak

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SherlockStones · 13/02/2017 23:36

He hasn't done anything wrong though has he?

Seems you're more annoyed at the fact he isn't as in to you as you assumed he was.

housewifedesperate · 13/02/2017 23:42

Yeah maybe but he did give me that impression. If you're not, then why do it? It's just leading people on

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Thattwatoverthere · 13/02/2017 23:53

It's just a sad fact of life. I get annoyed when it happens to me but then I suppose I've done the same in the past. I've tried not to get too overinvested now but it's hard not to when the lovebombing starts and your hopes get raised.

But at least the ball is in your court, that's positive

LesisMiserable · 14/02/2017 00:31

He seems to have called it right to be fair. You DO want more than him because youre not really happy with him still looking to date others and you feel like thats less than you deserve.

BonnyScotland · 14/02/2017 00:36

tell him to Sling His Hooky... you do deserve someone to treat you with respect... not a meat market x

TheNaze73 · 14/02/2017 07:05

So, you do want more. He's called it correctly then???

housewifedesperate · 14/02/2017 07:23

Nope naze, never said that. He gave the impression he wanted more, I was quite happy with casual

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Walkacrossthesand · 14/02/2017 07:54

Lovebombing followed by sudden withdrawal = player. It must be hard not to get swept along by the lovebombing, but from what I've read on here, it's extraordinarily unlikely to be real and is itself a bit of a red flag. I'd be much more interested in someone who was steadily interested, but also being appropriately cautious to protect their own heart from heartbreak while they got to know and trust you.

Trills · 14/02/2017 08:04

Seems like he's saying "You're more into my than I'm into you" to put you off-balance.

And it's worked.

housewifedesperate · 14/02/2017 09:23

Ha, seems so. Also seems to have backfired........ Next!

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Kittencatkins123 · 14/02/2017 09:28

NEXT!

MojhitoSparkle · 14/02/2017 09:42

Don't ask him if he is dating others - that will make him think you're super interested in him.

Just date others, keep going out with friends, keep yourself busy, reply to him if he contacts you but not immediately, avoid initiating contact with him for a while. Same for dates, go if he asks but do not respond to any requests to meet today/tonight/tomorrow etc. That is desperate. You're a busy person with friends and hobbies so he needs to ask a few days in advance.

Basically don't invest too much in it, if it works out great, if it doesn't don't worry there will be others.

JellyBean31 · 14/02/2017 09:49

I really don't get why men love bomb. The last guy I met online did the same, was quite full on with how amazing I was, a bit of future faking thrown in there for good measure too. I wasn't taken in by it and saw it as a red flag, it was no surprise when contact suddenly dwindled down to nothing and I wasn't bothered..... but why do they waste their energy doing it in the first place??

housewifedesperate · 14/02/2017 09:59

Exactly jellybean. He's done me a favour and I'm glad I saw it quite quickly. I just don't get the behaviour?

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housewifedesperate · 14/02/2017 10:03

And thanks mojhito, really good advice. I'm a bit of a rooky at this malarkey but learning fast. I'm just not naturally a cynical person....

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InTheMoodForLove · 14/02/2017 10:09

Think they "love bomb" as a flirting device . What I mean is that they must feel they need to go OTT to make sure they show their interest (of getting into your pants) and stand out among competitors... If they play just cool and they know everybody is multi-chatting / dating, the risk is they could just fall sideways

Just a thought as it seems to be pretty standard OL behaviour

MojhitoSparkle · 14/02/2017 10:12

Really recommend these books:

Why men love bitches - sherry argov
Get the guy - Matthew hussey

Lots of helpful info and very good reads. Why men love bitches is actually hilarious! Worth a read :)

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PoorYorick · 14/02/2017 10:45

If it's only been a month or so I'd just dismiss him as an idiot and not give it any further headspace.

Men like that love bomb because they think it's what women want (and to be fair they're often right) and they think it will increase the chance of sex if you think they're emotionally invested.

housewifedesperate · 14/02/2017 11:14

All good advice, thanks.
I'll definitely give the why men love bitches a go. Could do with a laugh

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Opel9 · 14/02/2017 15:12

I think some men do indeed love bomb you because they just have this competitive urge to win. They aren't really aware at the time these behaviours will indeed lead a woman into thinking they want more OR they are well aware of it then have to do this backing out thing, but have been here many times and I get why it's infuriating. Therefore I conclude you should avoid love bombers like the plague because once they have won or the novelty wears off, it usually ends like this. They enjoy this chase period. You want to find one who likes a slow burn

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