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Miscarriage could be the end of us

(20 Posts)
BloodSweatToilAndTears Mon 13-Feb-17 10:48:00

I had a miscarriage at the end of January. I was only 7 weeks along but it was a much longed for pregnancy. We were told that we weren't going to be able to concieve naturally due to DH's sperm count so started the IVF process in April 2016. As it was on the NHS it was taking what felt like a lifetime. I also felt like no-one was taking me seriously as I'm in my mid 20s (DH is in his late 30s).

Since we lost our baby DH and I haven't stopped arguing. We can't be kind to each other. We had a rough few years as his parents sent abusive emails and letters about me and he didn't stand up for me. They also attempted to stop their side of the family from coming to the wedding after making sure we had paid for everyone. He says they have since apologised for this (not to me of course!) and he is fine with them. I haven't seen them in two years but he goes to visit them.

I found his infertility really difficult to handle. I need to be a mother. I wouldn't have bothered getting married if I wasn't going to be a mother. I turned down a summer in New York (that I had already paid for) and a year abroad in Japan so that I could work out whether we were going to get married. We had only just started getting back on track around October last year.

Some of the things that have happened are:

I was kept in overnight while miscarrying and they lied said that my scan would be at 8am. I called him at 8:37am and he was at our house in bed asleep. I was terrified and in pain, being ignored by nurses, unable to sleep, hadn't eaten or drank anything since 12pm the day before and he was asleep.

His brother and his wife have just had a baby. DH's whole family dislike me I can upload the emails and letters as proof. They have texted repeatedly asking him to meet the new baby. No mention of me.

I have a very cheap engagement ring as DH was unemployed when we got engaged (he had trained in a profession, spent three months in this job and almost had a breakdown, I was supportive of him leaving despite only earning £16,000 a year at the time. He found a new job in four months). He talks about wanting to replace the ring as it doesn't have very good memories. We don't have much money but my parents gave us £3500 after the miscarriage to improve our house so we can sell and move. I found a 1.56 carat ring second hand for £800. It is a million times nicer than anything we could afford new. I showed it to DH and said that we could use some of the money my parents gave me and then top it up each month. His reponse was that if we use that money to buy a new ring I won't ever let him forget it. Apparently I'm such a nasty person that even a bargain like that wouldn't be enough to move him to purchase that ring.

Before we found out that I was pregnant I was on 150mg of Sertraline and had last cut myself on Christmas eve. I have been on antidepressants since I was 19 and in therapy since I was seven. My parents were abusive. DH thinks I may have Borderline Personality Disorder and I had started to speak to my GP about this. I have Googled the risk of miscarrying while on antidepressants and have decided to stop taking them until we decide to split or stop ttc. Obviously he's not a professional but if you thought there was something seriously wring with your spouse would you behave in this way?

Everything is pretty shit and I think this may be the end of us. I can't deal with his family anymore and I can't not have children. We live a shitty life, in a shitty house, with shit neighbours, and one car so even if I was able to drive I can't get anywhere. I am so sick and tired of everything. This is not how my life was supposed to be. I married the first person that was nice to me and now he's not nice to me anymore. I am so angry. It could be years before I get pregnant again. I spend a lot of money on phone psychics. I feel so hopeless.

BloodSweatToilAndTears Mon 13-Feb-17 11:57:21


offside Mon 13-Feb-17 11:58:59

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through.

But as gently as possible, if you really do hate where you're living at the moment, which will obviously have a knock on effect for your MH, is it really wise buying a new engagement ring. The ring isn't going to change anything, make your relationship better or make you feel better, but moving away from where you are now, might possibly help the whole situation. A ring doesn't define someone's love for you, or equate to how much someone loves you, it's just a symbol, and every ring means the same regardless of what it looks like, getting a new one won't help you or your relationship.

And definitely stop spending money on phone psychics!

mumblechum0 Mon 13-Feb-17 12:06:27

I'm so sorry you're going through this tough time. Just in reference to him being asleep while you were having your scan, I honestly think men just aren't anywhere near as emotionally engaged in pregancy/miscarriage as women are. I had a suspected miscarriage in the early days of pregnancy and dp as he then was still went on a weekend away to do with his Masters degree so I was alone for 4 days. At the time I just got on with it, as there was nothing he could do either way, but I can see why you would have been put out by his apparent lack of interest.

If having a baby is the most important thing for you, and your dh's fertility means that you can't have a child together, you need to really be rethinking the relationship altogether. Although on the other hand, you still have a good 10 years of fertility ahead of you so there's no desperate rush; maybe try a separation for 3 months and see how you feel?

Cricrichan Mon 13-Feb-17 12:12:40

You don't sound as if you love him, but just want him to make you a mother. You could have gone to new York and Japan and still have married him. If your relationship is strong then it would have survived a year's separation.

You're still very young so why don't you do what you want to do like go to Japan for a year (I lived in Japan and it's a great experience) and then decide what you want to do? I became a mum in my 30s and have 4 kids now so plenty of time for you and that way you won't resent him for stopping you experiencing life a bit.

BlueFolly Mon 13-Feb-17 12:13:03

It doesn't sound like this is the right person for you to have a baby with at this time.

StickyMouse Mon 13-Feb-17 12:21:18

Lots of things cry out from your OP but the one that stood out the most was that you wouldn't have got married if you hadn't planned on being a Mum, surely there is more to your husband than being the sperm donor? Do you love him? before the miscarriage were you kind to one another? do you value on another?

His comment about your personality suggests to me that he has been troubled by your behaviour and has Googled it himself, maybe he is struggling to cope too?

I also had a miscarriage, mine was in December, 12 weeks along, I know the bewildering emotions and hormones, have you gone cold turkey on your meds? if so that will mess your wellbeing around on top of everything.

Speak to your GP about the meds, weaning yourself off them is better than stopping altogether.

category12 Mon 13-Feb-17 13:12:37

OK, it's not long since you miscarried, and that's an awful thing and very raw. flowers

I think you should go and see your gp and tell them everything that's going on in the short term.

In the long term, it may be that you need to break up with your husband. It doesn't sound like you want him particularly, but do want the life you thought marriage would offer. But you have lots of time to become a parent. I think you might be better sorting out your life and mental health, learning to drive, pursuing some other dreams, making things less shitty bit by bit. A baby won't necessarily make the shitty life better. Someone to love and be loved by, but also huge responsibility and will be a huge reason to stay where you are, in not a necessarily happy situation.

floopyloopy Mon 13-Feb-17 13:29:01

Definitely agree with pp about the ring. It's not s priority right now.

I have a friend who is completely defined by her infertility. It's awful for her. However as the years go on, people drift away as it's so all consuming. She has no other focus in life so is hard to be around.

He marriage is shit with lots of blame heaped on the husband, herself, medical professionals etc. If she ever does get pregnant I'm worried it won't be as great as she hoped. I mean, kids are amazing but then your marriage, finances and career are under MORE strain.

BloodSweatToilAndTears Mon 13-Feb-17 14:06:39

offside Thank you, a new ring is very silly. I just want something nice to think about. Something that isn't second hand or grubby or painful.
Rationally I know that a nice shiny new ring won't do anything long term but I just want to feel good. I don't have any hope. I just cry all the time.

mumblechum0 I had never even had a blood test before we had to start all the infertility investigations. He keeps saying that the miscarriage happened to us both. But how could it when we was asleep? I was crying so much the woman in the next bed and her partner kept talking to me through the curtain.

Cricrichan I just wanted to be married and have children. I have no desires outside of these two things. The trajectory of my education, choice of university, career and house were all orchestrated so that I could have children more easily. I'm not sure I want to live anywhere.

StickyMouse There is lots more to him than being a sperm donor but there is nothing more to me. I have no hobbies, interests or friends. I just want children. I wouldn't have married at all if I didn't want children. He was my first everything and I know it doesn't sound like it now but I'm sure I love him more than he loves me. He left me alone over New Year’s eve and New Year’s day to spend time with his family after the abusive emails started in 2013. He was so scared about upsetting them. He didn't care about me. He knew I needed a family. I am so sorry about your baby. I hope you have lots of loving people around you. Yes, I just stopped taking them. My GP wants to put me on Venlafaxine but that has a higher risk of miscarriage too, so I haven't gone back.

category12 Thank you. You are right. My mother beat me and thought it was funny to leave us with Social Services, she would also physically attack my father in front of us. I never had a family structure. I thought being married would make me happy. DH is so kind but he has made mistakes and I am not built to let him forget them. I cannot forgive, I don’t know how. I don’t have anything I enjoy. I feel cursed. Our wedding was horrible, our first house is awful and now we can’t have babies.

floopyloopy I am just like your friend. I am bitter, very, very bitter. I’m not sure how to not think about it. I have no rest from it. I blame DH for everything. I am very angry and not nice to be around.

SandyY2K Mon 13-Feb-17 14:19:40

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage, but your marriage doesn't sound like a happy one.

He doesn't or didn't stand up for you to his family and he is concerned to some degree about your MH.

Whilst you want to be a mum, which I fully understand, you also need to have a job /career in because if you stick around and read just a few of the threads here, you'll see mums who have kids and have almost never worked, left in vulnerable helpless situations when their husband walks out. It's not always a wise move to do that.

I think you need to find yourself as well, because marrying someone, just because they're nice to you, isn't really enough... And maybe that's why there isn't enough depth to your relationship and the miscarriage, has highlighted so much more.

BloodSweatToilAndTears Mon 13-Feb-17 16:50:58

SandyY2K Thank you. I don't think we've been happy since he didn't stand up for me. Which was October 2013. I've been employed continuously since I graduated four years ago, I just hate my job and don't enjoy working. I'm also limited as we moved semi-rural. I have a license but was hit while stationary and can't drive anymore.

There was more to us years ago. We used to have fun and laugh. I wasn't really fed growing up so I loved going out to eat together. He is desperate to stay together but I'm not sure why and I can't really trust my own judgement so came here for advice. He really wants to stay together and I'm not sure if he is right to want to do so. We were arguing non-stop about how his parents tried to split us up, we finally get back to a happier place and I have a miscarriage. It's just too much for me. Since my loss I spend all day thinking about how he let me down. When we found out we were pregnant it was like a light switch. We were happier, I didn't care if he spoke to his family, I exercised, I ate properly. Now I hate everyone again. I'm spending money I don't have, I can't sleep, I can't eat and I feel sick all the time.

RyanStartedTheFire Mon 13-Feb-17 19:02:08

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage but you really don't sound like you are on a good footing at the moment. You don't want to bring a child into a situation that you aren't happy in as it is. I would leave your husband, you don't sound happy at all and you sound like you have settled instead of being in love. Focus on yourself, find love, find happiness in yourself and get medicated and level.

specialsubject Mon 13-Feb-17 19:09:57

Sorry for your loss.

You really don't like this man. ( or his family but that sounds well justified) End it because you are wasting each others time. Please also get some help to see straight. Parenthood should be very fulfilling but it cannot define your entire life, you would be too dependent on the child that I hope you will have one day.

You have plenty of time so put yourself first.

mumblechum0 Mon 13-Feb-17 21:04:45

Wise words from Special Subject there.

Parenthood is great, but it should be a part of a balanced life including a relationship, friends, a career, hobbies etc, imo.

Phoebefromfriends Mon 13-Feb-17 21:13:28

OP I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Are you getting any counselling? Have you spoken to your GP about how you feel?

I can understand how you have orchestrated your life to have children as you want to create the family you didn't have, unfortunately you have narrowed your life to such an extent that you are clinging onto your H, who doesn't support you when you are having a miscarriage. This is unforgivable in my opinion and it doesn't sound like he cares about you.

This miscarriage is a wake up call to reassess your life. You really need to start making a plan to address your job, friends and hobbies. A happy life is made up of lots of things not just babies. A happy marriage is more than a new sparkly ring.

Can you use the money to buy a car so you can start to build a life outside of the home?

hopsalong Mon 13-Feb-17 21:41:34

OP, you are very young and there's no need for things to be so dark for you. You aren't infertile (probably quite the opposite). You have more than a decade to have children in. I am so sorry for your recent loss, but (without being Pollyannaish) perhaps it provides a good opportunity for taking stock?

You deserve to be with someone who is more than 'the first person who was nice' to you.

Your children will benefit from a mother who has more to her than just wanting to get married and have children as fast as possible. You're a person. You need hobbies and interests and friends. We all do.

In your case (so sorry to hear about the way your mother treated you), it sounds as if you have some really painful unresolved things from childhood to work through, and maybe quite a bit to figure out about the kind of partner who would make you happy.

You're calling phone psychics because you need someone to talk to. Please stop though because it's depressing and a big waste of money! Who is there in real life? Your GP is a start. I think it would be a good idea for now to restart medication (though why the switch?). Can you also ask to be referred to an NHS therapist? Are there other people who could talk some of this through?

I really really don't think it's a good idea to try to fall pregnant again now. In fact your post sort of seems to be acknowledging that -- that you aren't ready yet.

Your 'D'H diagnosing you with BPD is a big red flag for me. Sounds as if he isn't willing to engage properly with any of the issues in your marriage and just wants a convenient label so he can pin down all the problems on you. On the other hand, a history of cutting + abusive parents + miscarriage + abrupt discontinuation of medication ought to be enough for any GP to fast track you toward some good support. Please go and see the GP again and lay all this out.

fabulous01 Mon 13-Feb-17 21:47:40

Where there is infertlity and the mae problem it is much more easily sorted than if it was if the woman has problems
But it sounds like it is more than this horrendous experience which is the problem. If you can take time out, speak to the doctor about some form of counselling but you have a lot to work through. Be kind to yourself. It isn't an easy road whatever option you choose

AgentCooper Mon 13-Feb-17 21:55:24

OP, the ADs are very unlikely to have had any bearing on your miscarriage. I think the kindest thing you can do for yourself is go back on them, tbh. Right now it sounds like you could use that extra support. I'm sorry you have had such a rotten time and hope things get better for you.

Venusflytwat Mon 13-Feb-17 22:02:02

You don't sound in any fit state to have a baby or make any major life decisions to be honest at the moment.
Go back to your GP, go back on your meds and get your mental health sorted out.
Then see where you're at.

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