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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My birthday. Am I just being silly?

27 replies

LoveBeingAMum555 · 12/02/2017 18:32

Ok I am 45 in a couple of weeks, married for 20-odd years, 2 teenagers. My DH doesn't see the point of celebrating birthdays, to do with his upbringing I think. He will get me a card because he knows he has to but it will be picked up at the garage down the road on his way home from work.

2 years ago it was a normal day, I went to work, cooked tea and washed up, did some ironing, watched telly and went to bed. DS was a bit upset because we hadn't celebrated my birthday.

Last year I said to the kids we would have a takeaway. I had to take everyone's orders, drive to the Indian, get the takeaway and pay. DH just genuinely didn't seem to understand why I was a bit grumpy about this.

DS keeps asking me what my plans are this year. TBH I would like DH to try and make a bit of a effort but at 45 am I just being really silly and blowing this out of all proportion? Oh and then I get everyone at work asking me what I did for my birthday which makes me feel even worse.

OP posts:

Report

hugoagogo · 12/02/2017 18:35

Have you tried telling him that you would like a little bit of fuss and that the total lack of effort makes you feel a bit un-loved?

5moreminutes · 12/02/2017 18:36

Go out for a meal? I do get where both you and your DH are coming from the, hit on the fence, but if you want to celebrate do.

If your teens want you to celebrate then would you trust them to organise something? Most teens could cook you a meal and bake you a cake :o If it's about wanting a little celebration why not have the people who care about celebrating organise it rather than get hung up on wanting your DH to want to organise something...

Naicehamshop · 12/02/2017 18:52

I think you are being a bit passive about this. Either tell your husband that you want to do something -maybe a meal for the whole family at a local pub/restaurant? - and ask him to book it, or just do the booking yourself.

I agree that you shouldn't have to organise your own birthday celebrations but better that than do nothing and feel miserable about it.

Happy birthday, anyway!

Joysmum · 12/02/2017 18:55

Personally I would say that you've always tried to make everyone else's birthday special for them. This year you'd really love it if somebody could make a special effort to arrange a special day for your birthday in the same way as you've always done for them because it'd mean lot to you.

MadMags · 12/02/2017 18:57

Why did you take everyone's orders and drive to the takeaway?

SorrelSoup · 12/02/2017 19:01

You need to tell him. Give him a timetable of your day and what you would like to happen at each stage. Tell everyone what you want. Don't leave it to chance, don't have unrealistic expectations and think that he will suddenly change. I do this now and it works. If it doesn't work then try something different next year.

LoveBeingAMum555 · 12/02/2017 19:06

Actually that's all really helpful. I really do need to spell it out to him don't I? I need to say "it's my birthday on the 20th, we are going to my favourite Italian and I will book it but you can drive so I can have a glass of wine. Oh and it would make me feel really special if you and the boys could organise a little surprise, maybe a bunch of flowers or a cake - I just really don't want my birthday to be an ordinary day".

OP posts:

category12 · 12/02/2017 19:06

Do something you will enjoy, possibly with just your teenagers, and stop waiting around for your DH to be something he's not.

AdaColeman · 12/02/2017 19:07

I've had a few birthdays on my own now, not quite the same as your situation OP but some similarities.
With teenagers in the house I'd certainly celebrate my birthday with them.

I plan ahead, get in champagne, nice nibbles, some thing tasty for dinner that can be cooked with no effort, maybe steak or fish, have a bottle of wine to go with it. This year I got a birthday cake delivered from M&S, it was lovely!

To me it's all part of making life family pleasant, and teaching teenagers how life works, how will they know what to do for their partners, if they've never celebrated at home? Your DH is an example of someone who's life could be richer, if only he knew how to do it.

LoveBeingAMum555 · 12/02/2017 19:11

Oh and MadMags I don't know, because I didn't want to get into an argument and it was just easier? It didn't really help did it?

OP posts:

MadMags · 12/02/2017 19:12

No, probably not! :)

Some people really do need to be talked through it, step by step. Frustrating, but worth it if it sets a new precedence!

Enjoy your birthday!

PickAChew · 12/02/2017 19:16

Yes, I do think you need to make it clear to them that your DC really want to celebrate your birthday with you, but that he needs to put aside his own can't be arsedness and facilitate their contribution, ie take them to buy cards and a cake or chocolates because it's not like they can go out and do that themselves.

PickAChew · 12/02/2017 19:17

Ok, as teens, they can probably get to the corner shop, but that's not the point.

LesisMiserable · 12/02/2017 19:18

Why not ask him if he has anything planned for you on your birthday and when he replies that he hasn't then tell him thats ok because you're going to go and celebrate with your friends - then plan a night out with your girlfriends, eat drink wine and enjoy it - either it will spur him into being more attentive when you get home or it won't but either way you will have marked your birthday enjoyably.

cheminotte · 12/02/2017 19:19

Yes I think you will need to organise something yourself which is a pain. But it's good that your ds want you to do something. My DP is a bit like that - oh birthdays don't matter for grownups - I disagree, its nice to feel special once a year.

VocalDuck · 12/02/2017 19:22

My DH does celebrate birthdays and will come up with ideas if left to his own devices but if there is something I particularly want to do, I make sure he knows this and goes about ensuring it happens. Presumably you respect his wishes and don't celebrate his birthday so he can respect your wishes and celebrate yours!

VocalDuck · 12/02/2017 19:22

Happy Birthday for in a few weeks as well.

knaffedoff · 12/02/2017 19:35

Sometimes even the best dh can be thoughtless. How old are your teenagers, if 15+ I would expect them to make an effort. I would make some gentle enquiries as to what they have planned and if the response is met with a distinct lack of interest, I would make my own arrangements without them, perhaps a lie in followed by a nice massage or spa day, cinema followed by a nice evening meal with friends and leave them to completely do their own thing. Obviously if there is no bread in the house or milk and definitely no tea I wouldn't worry!!!!! Happy birthday and have a lovely day whatever you decide x

SorrelSoup · 12/02/2017 19:40

And lots more detail too: for breakfast I want x, then I want to be left alone to watch x film/read x book, then at 7pm we shall go to x. I'm not princessy at all, I'm not big on fuss, but I realised that actually on my birthday i do want a fuss. People probably wouldn't have got that I wanted that.

outabout · 12/02/2017 19:42

I'm renowned for being a 'grumpy git' but at least I can make some effort for a birthday.
A weekend or at least a night in a nice hotel or something special. Spa treatment?
Hope you can find a way of making your day good.

jelliebelly · 12/02/2017 19:44

Why have you put up with it for so long? He's never going to change now. Take control and make plans yourself / buy yourself flowers too if you like flowers!

ArriettyClock1 · 12/02/2017 19:54

Birthdays should always be special.

We make a big fuss of them in my family. Special breakfast, dinner or lunch out (or both!) and thoughtful presents.

Your dh sounds rubbish. It's one bloody day...

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keepingonrunning · 12/02/2017 19:58

Demand a celebration, even if you have to plan it with your teenagers. It's great they want to make a fuss of you and an opportunity to show them that love is deeds not words or neglect. It seems they are noticing their DF is a lazy, selfish, neglectful arse when it comes to showing love and appreciation for his 'D'W.

LoveBeingAMum555 · 12/02/2017 20:00

Love it Sorrell, I need an itinerary for the whole day. You have all got me thinking about the example this is setting the boys too. I need to think about that.

OP posts:

keepingonrunning · 12/02/2017 20:05

I'd be really upset.
Don't fall in to the trap of making excuses for him - it's because of "his upbringing" or whatever. I bet you make a big fuss of him on his birthday and I bet he laps it up because he feels entitled to it.
He's telling you loud and clear he doesn't love, respect or appreciate you enough to be bothered to make you feel special on your birthday. And you have been letting him get away with it, so why would he start troubling himself now.
Discover your own sense of entitlement NOW! And Happy Birthday

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