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Advice needed

(15 Posts)
Wanttobeloved Sat 11-Feb-17 14:58:02

Hello everyone,

I'm been toying with the idea of whether or not to put something on here or not! I can see that some people can really helpful and that's what I'm looking for.

So I'm 34, I'm in a relationship but I keep thinking there is better out there for me. My girlfriend and I don't really see eye to eye on a lot of things. I think we both have different thoughts around major issues.

So what do I do? I've tried to leave her a couple of times but she said she would kill herself or me leaving her would destroy her. I felt like such a bad persons so I back tracked and stayed in the relationship despite not wanting to. Slowly things have got a little better but i suppose it's a case of "i love her but I'm not in love with her".

I also wanted children. I don't have any yet. But I suppose I'm worried about being an older dad. I ultimately worry around later on in life. When I'm on my 50's and 60's!

Is this becoming quite a normal thing for people having children later on in life. Does anyone else think it's a problem?

Anyone's advice would be most appreciated.

Ariya Sat 11-Feb-17 15:30:04


Sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Hate to say it but I don't think you should be together if you strongly feel this way. Do you want children or do you want children with her? Bringing kids into a relationship that is on the rocks is a very bad idea.

However I do think having children later in life is happening more and more so I wouldn't stress over that.

Adarajames Sat 11-Feb-17 16:38:31

Staying because of emotional blackmail is by good; if you aren't happy, you need to let her know and leave; but definitely don't look elsewhere / have an affair whilst with her / as a reason to leave; do it kindly now and allow both of you to find someone you are happy to be with

Adarajames Sat 11-Feb-17 16:38:52

*is no good

magoria Sat 11-Feb-17 16:42:42

You have to learn to detach. It is easier said than done.

If she tries anything after you leave her that is her choice. It is not your fault.

Do not be held to ransom by emotional blackmail. That is no life.

Fackorf Sat 11-Feb-17 16:44:48

I would advise you to get the hell out.

Threatening suicide in order to control someone is not acceptable behaviour. Also, you leaving won't destroy her. Honest. She might think it will, but she's wrong. She'll get over you.

SparklyMagpie Sat 11-Feb-17 16:44:50

You've written about this before,I'm sure

Juveniledelinquent Sat 11-Feb-17 16:45:33

I don't get I Iove her, but I'm not in love with her

If you actually do love her, perhaps the two of you could do with relationship counselling. She certainly could because it's not normal to have a relationship based on threats.

Huskylover1 Sat 11-Feb-17 16:47:37

Leave her. You cannot stay with someone because they threaten to kill themselves if you don't! I can see how you feel cornered though, but you have one life to live, and must not allow yourself to be trapped like this.

My DH's girlfriend before me, did this (threatened suicide) and quite honestly, she was a proper nut job, he would get home from a night out to find her rocking in the darkness among many other weird behaviours. It made him hesitate, but he did leave in the end...and guess what she didn't kill herself. She just got a new boyfriend, poor sod. DH and I are blissfully happy. You can find that happiness too!

scoobydoo1971 Sat 11-Feb-17 16:48:51

This is not a happy relationship. You should only think about bringing children into the world if you are in a happy relationship, or prepared for single parenthood. It doesn't sound like your gf is emotionally stable and therefore having children with her, when you already have doubts about your future together, would not be a good idea. Lots of people have children in later life now. It is often when people are financially stable and in a good place with their careers and housing status. I had my first at 36 and second at 40, I know Dad's at the school-gate who are well in their 50's with very young children at home. It doesn't matter so much now, and in fact is becoming quite the norm.

MrsRaymondReddington Sat 11-Feb-17 16:49:32

I spent most of my previous relationship thinking there was something better for me somewhere out there. I just knew that there was and that one day I'd find it. It was a very emotionally abusive relationship and he threatened to kill himself when we were in the process of breaking up. He even created a little scene at home to make me think he'd actually attempted it. He hadn't though. A few months after it ended, I met my soulmate. I was 35, and now we're engaged with a new baby. Go with your heart and don't give in to emotional blackmail!

Bant Sat 11-Feb-17 16:50:02

Having kids is hugely stressful, and unless you have a strong relationship in the first place, it's likely to lead to you splitting up at some point.

And of course, unless you're being incredibly incredibly careful (and I mean you, not her) it's usually really quite easy to become a father without planning to, if you're in a relationship with someone who is willing to manipulate you in order to keep a failing relationship going.

So, end it. Leave. Try not to hurt her but you're young, you can find someone to happily have a family with.

Her life is her responsibility. What she chooses to do is her choice. Either you act now or you'll end up trapped in a loveless relationship, or kept apart from your children much of the time because she has them and you're living apart.

KoolKoala07 Sat 11-Feb-17 16:59:29

Don't spend a lifetime being unhappy to keep somebody else happy.
You have plenty of time to meet somebody and have children, just don't waste anymore time with your current partner.

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 11-Feb-17 17:13:06

"I've tried to leave her a couple of times but she said she would kill herself or me leaving her would destroy her. I felt like such a bad persons so I back tracked and stayed in the relationship despite not wanting to."
Get out now.

Buzzardbird Sat 11-Feb-17 17:17:41

If someone threatens to kill themselves you should run a mile. She is manipulating you. If she was seriously going to do that she certainly wouldn't give you a pre-warning.

You are wasting your life. End it and get on with your life before it is too late. Her life is no more important than yours is.

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