Do I ask?

[oregon1985]

I'm not sure if this is the right place but I have seen loads of threads on here about familys and things. So if it's wrong please tell me where I can get it moved to.
I had a hard childhood, drug addict mother, looked after my siblings from a very very young age (I was looking after my newborn brother at 6) I was physically and mentally absused by my birth mother before she finally gave up and decided to put me into care just before my teens. Was lucky enough to have a wonderful foster family until I was 16.
I am NC with my birth mother after I found her in my late teens and she made out it was all a joke.
I've seen a few things on my records about what happened to me that I have no memory of, whole people I don't remember quite late on in my childhood, I remember random things from when I was two but not people who were actually quite a presence in my life much later on while I lived with my mother.
Do I ask to see the rest of my records? (I know I can, I've looked into it). I feel like I both need to know and don't. I remember a lot of terrible horrible things that happened to me, so I'm wondering if I've blocked it out because it's worse or because it's insignificant.
I know I'm rambling but I've been thinking about it a lot recently.

[Ellisandra]

I would find an experienced counsellor and talk my feelings about finding out more - and why I'm think more about it now - first.

Two reasons:

• preparation
  
• if I needed support after reading the records, I would have already found and built trust with a counsellor I'm happy to work with
  

Good luck!

[oregon1985]

I unfortunately can't afford anything like that, I've needed council King for years but just barely have enough money to survive on, I can't talk to a dr about stuff like this, I can't talk to anyone, I get really bad panic attacks when I talk about my past, I'm in tears now thinking about it, and the thought of being like that in front of someone else terrifies me.

[oregon1985]

*counselling

[forumdonkey]

How you've described how you feel thinking about your past, I would say no. You could request them and not read them until you feel emotionally stronger to. You sound incredibly strong considering what you have been and despite what you've been through. Remember you're your own person and not defined by your shit parents and early childhood. Be proud of the person who you are now despite the worst start in life . Hold your head up you're strong and resilient.

[oregon1985]

It wasn't just a shit start, all of my life has been shit really up to and including now. Apart from the few years I spent with my foster parents.

[DigestiveMuncher]

Oregon - apart from that I have nothing to do with my birth mother and father I am currently going through the exact same questions in my life now and have sat and thought about reading my own record even though I know, it's probably the worst thing I could ever do.

I don't want to say too much on a thread so open as this but please feel free to PM me if you'd like someone to speak too. 💐

[Surreyblah]

Am so sorry you went through all that.

You must've been a remarkable child to care for your siblings like that, and teen make the most of your foster placement in such difficult circumstances, and to go NC with your mother.

Some NHS and charitable mental health services can be accessed online or phone, ie you don't have to talk to your GP. You could write to your GP and ask for help, counselling.

[oregon1985]

Thank you that's very kind of you. I'm sorry you are going through this too

[oregon1985]

I don't think I could talk to someone about it. I have never been good at talking to people face to face. The only person I've ever talked to about it is my ex. And he's gone now so I have no one.

[UnbornMortificado]

I never thought therapy was for me, I was strictly medicine only. Then I got bereavement counselling and I was diagnosed with PTSD.

Best thing I ever did, if I'd done it a few months earlier I could of saved a hospital xxxx

[UnbornMortificado]

FFS Oregon please ignore the x's I'm texting and half asleep.

[oregon1985]

I didn't even notice them, I am also tired!!
I find it very hard to open up to anyone face to face. I had counselling at secondary school and then again at college (mandatory for self harming) and I just used to sit there. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, it's unbearable, when I was at school and people found out I was in care I used to get the pitying look and 'oh know how awful, well you're doing well all things considering' hated it.

[DigestiveMuncher]

The pity parties were the worst!! 😑 they always thought they were doing good, giving me good, kind words when really they make me feel more isolated then I already did. I'd of preferred to of gone through school with nobody knowing that I was "that kid in care" but obviously that's not how it works.

I've done loads of counselling though, I used to go to CAHMS, play therapy at first and then the usual sit down and speak to someone when I was that bit older, I found it worked for me. It was somewhere where I could let off steam, speak about literally anything even if it wasn't to do with being in care or old "memories" but then I understand it isn't to everyone's taste