Will my breakups always define me?

[chasingrainbows27]

A year ago I went through a horrendous break up. My ex and I were together for a couple of years and we lived together. We also worked closely together in the same department at a small company.

At Christmas my ex cheated on me with another girl we worked with who was 10 years younger than me (I'm 28 she was 18). I guessed and we ended it. They then got together and I had to witness it all. He was denying that they were a couple and instead manipulating our colleagues into thinking I was crazy and bitter. I was in a terrible place and almost ended my life because of it.

After three months I moved into my own house and things started looking up a bit. I now have a new job, live in a different city and am trying to move on.

I dated a guy for 6 months or so last year too. It was supposed to be a rebound but I fell hard for him and am struggling to get over that.

I want to move on and date again but I feel like these two men totally define me. Not just in relationships but with friends and colleagues too. They were such major events in my life that they seem to always be talking points. I'm struggling to remember who I was before this. I've become a joke and the butt of stories. My way of publicly dealing with things is to make them into a joke and people therefore go along with this but inside I'm taking everything they say seriously.

I feel like I need a break from dating but also am lonely and at 28 time isn't on my side. It seems everyone I know apart from me manages to have a fulfilling and lasting relationship and mine just end in disaster.

I don't even know what advice I'm really looking for except I don't know how to make these break ups diminish. I'm not upset on a daily basis but they probably dominate 80% of my thoughts.

[Kittencatkins123]

At 28 you have plenty time! All the time in the world! So don't worry about that. I'd say you definitely need some time away from dating, it's pretty brutal and even when you're in a good place you can end up getting hurt/rebounding etc. So steer clear!

Re work - are you still there? Can you try to get another job? (I know that's easier said than done). But even applying will help you feel more positive. If you have to stay, can you find ways to change it up - e.g. new projects/objectives, a new role/responsibilities, working with new teams etc so you have something to focus on and redefine yourself with, away from all this break up stuff?

Do you have good friendships out of work? Can you lean on them or your family? Or just spend more time with them - people who care about you - doing nice things?

What makes you happy? Exercise, going to see a band, collecting something, doing something creative? Can you build in more of this - 2 to 3 times a week? I find exercise (I mostly do classes and a bit of running) really helps keep me on an even keel.

Good luck - you will get through this - and meet someone lovely at the right time.

[Kittencatkins123]

Also could you look into low cost counselling? Or speak to your GP about getting referred for some. 80 per cent is a huge amount of time to be dealing with negative thoughts.

[Kittencatkins123]

PS a few years back I went through a horrible break up, got together with someone on a similar timescale and he dumped me really brutally on my BIRTHDAY - it was a horrible time but I totally got through it. So will you.

[VivDeering]

These relationships being constant thoughts and topics of conversation - it's all just habit. You need to consciously train yourself and others to think and talk about something different.

I'd take time off from dating and put your energies in to new hobbies, friendships, holidays, studies, DIY etc etc.