Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
i want things to work..but(17 Posts)
Quick background..basically I used to post on the dating thread on here.
Joined an old site, went on a date with 3 people, 3rd one I've been together with for 6 months.
He's totally my type, good looking, independent but wants a future, things we're looking good.
Long story short we've had a few run ins since being together which isn't great. He's very jealous (which he's admitted) he will make underlying comments after he's seen or heard something totally innocent, sometimes days after the event. He thinks I'm out of his league, part of me thinks the same about him. However everything's been good so on we've got.
He's normally pretty happy, he works nights though and it has a pretty big impact on our lives. I work a 'normal' 8-6 and find it hard at times due to him being tired or having strange eating patterns. However again we've worked past fall outs and carried on.
My main issue is his moods. He can be fine one minute and just change almost like we've had a a massive row. I then get a little stressed as I'm unsure what the problem is and he then says I'm the one who is miserable. It sounds very childish which it is but it l also very frustrating.
He doesn't like discussing things when we fall out, he likes to just say it's done with and that's that. I'm one to think it's then brushed under the carpet and not dealt with.
I don't know what to do.
End it. No good will come of it. you're only at the start of the relationship where things should be easy and fun. If this is his 'good behaviour', just think what it'll be like a year, two, five down the line. Don't set yourself up for unhappiness, get out now before you're too invested.
He is jealous, moody and is also not above projecting his own issues onto you either by calling you miserable either when infact he is.
Why are you together at all?. What is in this for you and why is your relationship bar so low?
Relationships should not be such hard work honestly and at only six months in should be a lot happier than what you describe. I would now tell him that this is no longer working for you and would like to wish him all the best for the future. You will thank yourself for doing that.
You can wish and want but it wont change the reality of the relationship.There are lots of issues that you have discovered in 6 months and it's not likely to get better
I think this is where I've made mistakes as I assumed that it will get better, only it never does.
Bring able to communicate is fundamental and I just wouldn't stay in a relationship where that isn't there.Moody and jealous are not traits as well.
Be careful that you are not falling for his exterior which is shallow and doesn't lead to happiness.
Get your trainers on and run for the hills - why are you even asking? He sounds hell and will only get worse.
Thanks for the replies. I don't want us to split. The man I met & spent the first 5 months with was amazing..why has he become like this?
He says I'm very hard to read (I've been told this before) but I'm happy so I'm not sure what there is to read?
I'll give a couple of examples of things I struggle with.
I've recently moved house. He helped. I went out and asked one of my neighbours (who incidentally was v good looking) if he could move his car. We had a bit of a chat & laughed about something..he wished me well and the van parked up. About an hour later my partner made a comment that he'd seen us laughing? I said it was just about the move..this is his way of getting across his feelings..untrusting? Insecure? I don't know.
Some days I'll call him after work. I'm very busy & a couple of times I've forgot. If not I end up arranging to see him/him come over so don't see much point calling..he brought this randomly up the other night..the tone is calm and collected..the body language isn't.
I'm pretty easy going, had a LOT of crap in my past but do just get on with life, this may come across as blaze but I just feel life's too short to stress.
He's funny, good looking, attentive, thoughtful and I want a future with him..why can't life ever be simple??
He obviously isn't 'thoughtful'. He sounds like a drain on your emotions. It usn't going to get any better. Let go.
He was putting on a 'face' for the first five months, this is the real him now
I would listen to the body language.You are getting an instinct which would be foolish to ignore.
I tell you what - why don't you change your own behaviour to placate him then and hope he doesn't start accusing you of flirting with other men, isolates you from your friends, blows up at you whenever he feels like it and then blames you for your own misery? Perhaps a life of walking on eggshells and living with constant anxiety and worry about the next temper of his is how you want to live. If so - why do you think this is acceptable?
I can only presume you always pick abusive men. Have you ever heard of the Freedom Programme. If not then please do it pronto - even online.
This may has a whole village fete of red flag bunting all over him and you are clearly ignoring. So what if he is lovely sometimes - the times he is showing such signs negate any nice bits.
The man you met and who was wonderful for the first five months wasn't the real man at all. If he behaved the way he really is from the start, you'd never have been tempted to get involved. Don't make the mistake of thinkinking that there's something you can do to get that illusory man back. That is gone for good. As long as you stay with him, he will see a green light to reveal more and more of his true self. You already don't like what you're seeing of that, so why hang about for more abuse?
Sorry, but it won't get better, no matter how hard you try. In fact, the harder you try, the faster it will go downhill, because he'll see that you're willing to take more and more shit in the name of keeping the relationship going.
Sorry to be so blunt.
Agree with pp; he couldn't be a controlling, jealous, moody cunt from the start, could he?? You'd hopefully have run a mile.
If you stay things will get worse fast. It's only 6 months. Leave. What a miserable way to live, and what a dangerous man.
It just took 5 months for him to get bored of being on his best behaviour.
I'd bin him off. Relationships with a jealous partner are draining. It's only been 6 months, so has barely started so get out before it gets complicated
he will make underlying comments after he's seen or heard something totally innocent, sometimes days after the event. He thinks I'm out of his league, part of me thinks the same about him.
he brought this randomly up the other night..the tone is calm and collected..the body language isn't.
He sounds that he seethes over things for hours or days. He sounds quite calculating and moody actually. What kind of body language was that? Could you feel he was trying not to get angry? He's even told you he's jealous. I couldn't be any way near someone like this after my ex. He sounds mildly creepy/frightening ...
Also you think he's out of your league. What do you mean? Why do you even want to be with him?
oh lordy... you've known him only 6 months, yet you're already having to 'work through issues'; he's jealous and controlling.
Why oh why are you with him? If it's this bad now it's only going to get a hell of a lot worse. Run for the hills. Really. Do it now.
Neat I was on the same dating thread and remember you meeting him. I also met someone very similar. He was lovely so I ignored the red flags. He'd make comments about how much I saw friends and family. Not nasty ones but asked I didn't speak to them when I was with him.
He wanted a phone call every day and would get really upset because he looked forward to them if I didn't. If I was in a rush with the call due to me have 3 kids and working, been busy he would sulk.
It got to a point he was trying to cut me off from everyone. The thing with the neighbour is very similar to how he acted with me and a work colleague.
Please be careful, it's better to be on your own than with a man with so many red flags. What did it for me was when I had to phone my exh because PayPal had been hacked just before Christmas and they had taken from his account too. He accused me of finding an excuse to contact him and never asked how I was when I was upset and stressed. He was not the man for me at all. I couldn't deal with the mood swings for ever. That's what you need to think about. If things stay like they are now can you live like that?!?
Join the discussion
Please login first.