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how to help DH over massive family issue

(12 Posts)
punkpuffin Sun 05-Feb-17 23:14:06

I've posted about my inlaws before (I'm a constant name changer). However things have well and truely gone tits up and I don't know how to help DH.

Quick background (doesn't cover the whole thing). Dh had a fucked up childhood. He has 3 step siblings who swapped between living with dh, their mum and dh dad and living with their dad. Dh mostly lived with his parents by himself. Dh parents were crap with money, bailiffs constantly calling etc. his parents used to make 10yo dh open the door and say his parents weren't in. They also sent him out to walk miles on his own to ask family for money. They got kicked out of house after house. Dh had lived in 35 houses and I is 33 years old. They never taught him basic hygiene etc. His whole childhood was a mess. He still sees them now though and they are quite controling, emotional black mail etc. They feel our house with cheap, broken second hand shit for our dc and then go in about how wonderful they are as grandparents. They are always ringing to borrow money off is even though they know we struggle financially (dh has stopped giving them money). That's just a brief idea of where we are. Dh has started counselling as these thing have started to effect out marriage, especially as he has no concept of money managment. counselling has obviiusly bought up a lot of stuff including repressed memories. He tried tonget in tough with his step siblings who have all gone nc with thier mum. But none of them want to speak to him while he speaks to their mum. Dh has obviously been struggling with everything so rang his mum today to ask why she had out him through all this as a child. She refused to speak to him about it and just started crying and asking why every one hates her. Dh lost it and said if she won't answer his questions then he won't see either of them again. He hasn't heard anything since hanging up. He'sobviously devesrated but I don't know how to help him. I suffer from pnd so at the moment we have 2 ppl with depression in the house and I don't want it to effect the dc but I also want to be able to help DH through this. Has anyone got any advice.

Sorry for the long post.

punkpuffin Mon 06-Feb-17 00:06:07


I can't sleep with worrying about what to do

Andro Mon 06-Feb-17 00:17:18

Just be there, that's all you can do. He's going through a hard process, but knowing he is loved and cared for will hopefully help him work through it.

ImpetuousBride Mon 06-Feb-17 00:18:26

I don't understand - surely it's a good thing he's finally stopped speaking to them? If they do nothing to enrich your DHs and DCs lives but only keep taking from you, then NC is quite an obvious (and inevitable) solution. Why should you lose sleep over it, it's your ILs who should be reflecting on their broken relationships with all their children. If you want to support your DH all you can do really do is keep reminding him that he's made the right choice, and give him lots of love in your family.

tallwivglasses Mon 06-Feb-17 00:24:07

I'm not sure I can help but has your dh thought of distancing himself from his parents for a while and try to reconnect with his siblings? Does he have any support other than you? Do you have any support? It must be tough for you flowers

SmallBee Mon 06-Feb-17 00:24:39

Sorry you are going through all this. Are you getting support for your PND? PANDAS are a brilliant charity for PND.
All you can do is support your DH and direct him to his GP or somewhere like for help.

punkpuffin Mon 06-Feb-17 00:25:38

I think it's a good thing but he's in bits. He's moody and tearful (I've only ever seen him cry twice before). He has asked me repeatedly today if I love him and if we will be together forever. He's completely out of character and I don't know how to help

punkpuffin Mon 06-Feb-17 00:29:24

Tall- My parents are very supportive and have been great dealing with all this.

Small- I have just started seeing a counsellor through the nhs and a local church has started a mental health support group which might try. My hv is also great and pops round a lot to check on me.

I just hate seeing dh so upset

LineysRun Mon 06-Feb-17 00:30:42

Hi, punkpuffin. I know something of what you and your DH are going through. It's tough. Really tough.

First thing is, your husband is not going to get the answers he seeks from his parents. He gave them an ultimatum but it's fruitless. He needs to do the bravest thing, which is to accept that this is the shitty hand of cards he got dealt, and take time to detach and recover.

But it's not the ONLY hand he got dealt. He also has you, and your child. That's a much, much better hand. A winning hand.

Are you getting help and treatment for yourself?

LineysRun Mon 06-Feb-17 00:32:26

Sorry x posted.

He is grieving. It's a natural thing. It's good he's letting go. They sound awful tbh.

Gingernaut Mon 06-Feb-17 00:35:57

He tried to get in touch with his step siblings who have all gone nc with their mum. But none of them want to speak to him while he speaks to their mum

If he goes non contact with the parents, he gains siblings.

The 'parents' (let's use that term loosely) sound like a complete waste of space. Forcing you to stay in a tent while you visit?? That's how they treat the family of the only child who has contact with them?? Jesus!

It honestly sounds like that's the best thing. It may have been sudden. It may not have been expected. But if that's how she replies to a reasonable question, then you are better off without them in your lives.

However, he's still trying to work out why he had a shit childhood and may have thought he was going to get answers. He won't. But he may not have come to that conclusion yet.

All you can do is ensure he goes to his counselling sessions and if he needs to discuss things, be there for him.

Get yourself help as well. Get yourself to the GP, Health Visitor or anyone who'll listen, as he's going to offload a load of his counselling related misery onto you.

tallwivglasses Mon 06-Feb-17 00:39:09

How can you help him? Listen to him. Give him space. Help him find professional support. And please - get some support for you.

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