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Is it OK to call me a cunt?

(54 Posts)
AnnaBee1 Sun 05-Feb-17 05:30:48

My partner called me a horrible person and a cunt within earshot of our DD while we were arguing this evening and I'm struggling to find this acceptable.

He had been out all day, drinking with a friend, had come home drunk and I was short with him because I was tired after a long day of potty-training our DD and a poor night's sleep.

I asked him how his day was, wanted to hear about his friend, etc, but I was irritable because he was stumbling about with (loud) hiccups (I tried to help him, albeit curtly, by showing him how to drink water backwards), and I didn't want our DD to be disturbed while she was going off to sleep.

He then became annoyed, saying I was making him feel bad for going out for the day, at which point I tried to apologise. He shook me off and then started shouting that I am a horrible person. I left the room because I wanted the shouting to stop, as our DD could hear.

He followed me upstairs and continued to shout, calling me a 'cunt' and 'a fucking cunt'. Again, within earshot of daughter who was still awake.

I asked him to stop and not call me that, especially as DD could hear, but he carried on ranting that I am a 'cunt' because I don't allow him to go out and have fun.

The thing is, we've been arguing now for four years (since I became pregnant with DD). We've gone through a lot - his ex-wife has caused a lot of problems, claiming he has neglected their daughter (he hasn't), said 12 year old daughter now refuses to visit our home (the reasons for which have not been established), both my mother and sister died two years ago, and I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks in 2015, which affected me deeply.

During this time I've been tired, snappy, angry, etc, and, yes, probably pretty unbearable, but I am not a nasty person. I have suffered from depression on and off for the last four years, but I have received therapy and I'm now better.

However, my partner has said some horrible things, which I find hard to forgive or forget - he blames me for his daughter not visiting, he said my depression was self-indulgent and did not want to get involved, and has been very verbally abusive.

I've suggested couples therapy but he says he doesn't have the time.

He does, however, work very hard, endures a horrible commute, and financially supports us as, for now, I'm a SAHM.

The thing is, we're due to get married in two months and I'm not sure I can marry a man who calls me a cunt, especially within earshot of our DD.

If you've managed to read to the end of this long and waffly post, then thank you, and I'd appreciate any feedback.

KoalaDownUnder Sun 05-Feb-17 05:34:06

Do not marry him.

Nothing about this is okay. He is verbally abusive and neither you nor your daughter should have to live like this.

Btw, I'm not surprised his other child does not want to visit.

Please get some professional help.

hesterton Sun 05-Feb-17 05:34:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doubletrouble41 Sun 05-Feb-17 05:34:53

Er, no, really not alright. I'd listen to your instincts, sounds like you know its wrong; very wrong. Sorry you have had a hard couple of years by the sound of it. But I would be seriously assessing this relationship; he has stepped over a line. Does he verbally abuse you often ?

KoalaDownUnder Sun 05-Feb-17 05:37:34

Also, this:

He does, however, work very hard, endures a horrible commute, and financially supports us as, for now, I'm a SAHM.

is irrelevant.

I know many, many family men who do this. My friend's husband works 7 days a week - 5 as a high school teacher and 2 as a chef. He would not dream of acting this way.

Not okay.

HowamIgoingtocope Sun 05-Feb-17 05:38:46

No run awayyyyyy. Fast like very fast like zoooooooom.

finnmcool Sun 05-Feb-17 05:41:52

Get your running shoes on.
There will never be a justification for speaking to you like that.

Ponderingprivately Sun 05-Feb-17 05:47:22

Not even slightly okay. Don't marry him, no one should ever speak to you like that.

AnotherEmma Sun 05-Feb-17 05:51:27

Why do you even have to ask?!
Of course it's not OK for him to call you a cunt confused
He is verbally and emotionally abusive.
Please read these links:
Signs of emotional abuse
The abuser profiles
And please, please call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247.
You need support. I'm sorry you lost your mum and sister, that must have been hard. Do you have any other family you're close to - what about your dad?

Catherinebee85 Sun 05-Feb-17 05:51:54

I think you know you can't marry this man and I feel like you're asking for the go ahead. I promise you will not regret not marrying him. Nobody deserves to be spoken to the way he's spoken to you and if you do stay in the relationship he has free reign to continue to treat you the same. It's abusive and you need to get you and your poor daughter away from it x

AnotherEmma Sun 05-Feb-17 05:53:21

"his ex-wife has caused a lot of problems, claiming he has neglected their daughter (he hasn't), said 12 year old daughter now refuses to visit our home (the reasons for which have not been established)"

Has it not occurred to you that he blames his ex-wife in the same way that he blames you? It's very convenient that all the issues are down to her, isn't it?! And perhaps his daughter refuses to visit because he's an abusive shit!

Wake up and smell the roses, love.

AnnieNeedsAMacBook Sun 05-Feb-17 06:01:17

Don't marry him.

Get him gone.

I bet the ex is as sane as you are.

TataEs Sun 05-Feb-17 06:10:12

not ok.
never ok.
don't marry him. he won't change.

AllTheLight Sun 05-Feb-17 06:17:16

It's not ok that he called you a cunt. I can't believe you have to ask!

TheSparrowhawk Sun 05-Feb-17 06:33:20

Yes of course it's ok. And when he starts calling your daughter a cunt you should tell her that's what you both deserve.

TheSparrowhawk Sun 05-Feb-17 06:34:09

I'm not serious btw, just showing you how mad it is to put up with this behaviour.

CaoNiMa Sun 05-Feb-17 06:35:10

You mustn't marry this man, OP. For your own sake as well as your daughter's.

languagelearner Sun 05-Feb-17 06:35:48

No, it's not OK.

scaredoffallout Sun 05-Feb-17 07:02:55

Definitely not okay.

ricecrispies16 Sun 05-Feb-17 07:07:36

I left my last relationship of 5 years because he verbally abused me, then one day he called me a cunt and that was that, I kicked him out.

Now I'm out of it (2 years now) I see him for everything that he was.

We have a child together but it's better for her as well if me and her dad are apart.

Don't tolerate it. Sit him down and tell him the next time he calls you such foul names or abuses you in front of your daughter, he's gone. And mean it.

ricecrispies16 Sun 05-Feb-17 07:14:22

Just to add - a man that loves you wouldn't treat you like that and certainly wouldn't behave like that in front of his own child. I'd be questioning his respect for your child as well as for you.

noschooll4mee Sun 05-Feb-17 09:06:12


Ellisandra Sun 05-Feb-17 09:11:35

Maybe XW wasn't keen on his daughter seeing him, because he used to get drunk and call XW a cunt in front of daughter?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 05-Feb-17 09:12:34

Do not marry this man. There are a lot of red flags here re him anyway as well not least of all the fact that he blames you for his daughter not visiting, the verbal abuse, he saying your depression is self indulgent.

Couples counselling would anyway be a wasted effort; he would not go anyway. No decent counsellor would see you in the same room together either; joint counselling is never recommended when there is abuse within the relationship.

Womens Aid can and will help you here; 0808 2000 247.

He needs to be gone from your lives now; your daughter simply cannot afford to learn that this is at all acceptable treatment.

Counselling for you alone is essential; why have you stayed with someone like this at all?

DJKKSlider Sun 05-Feb-17 09:19:37

Marry him?

Fuck. That.

There is no excuse and no apology that can cover calling someone horrible things in front of your child.

Its worrying that people say alcohol removes inhibitions. Ypoull dance when you wouldn't sober, you'll karaoke when you wouldn't when sober, you'll sleep with someone you wouldn't when sober etc.
I'd be concerned that this is hownhe feels but when sober he hides it well. Does he consider you lesser than him? Someone to belkittle and bully? Someone whonthinks because he works and you doing that you have to do all house work and child care? So on and so on.

Don't marry someone who sees you as anything less than an equal partner in all things.

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