So the simple question here is - have you ever been a doormat / pushover and did you manage to transform into an assertive respectable human being and permanently?
I have definitely made progress but still find it SO HARD to completely shake off my people pleasing ways. I've been "practising" assertiveness for quite some time yet still everytime I stand my ground I feel bad about it!
Looking for some advice and maybe personal stories? It would really help me to know it is possible to become assertive and make it a part of your identity rather than something you have to constantly force out.
The rest of this post is just some context but not I realise it's long and boring so don't really need to read that. Thank you to anyone who responds.
....
I always try so hard to make everyone around me feel comfortable. Especially girlfriends. I would spend my time and resources making visits, bringing gifts, listening to rants etc. Very one sided as my friends would very rarely offer to reciprocate (even if they do I'd offer to drive them back home etc.) Even in conversations I've noticed I'd intentionally make myself look less knowledge (despite my masters degree and keen interest in politics/social sciences) overall "less than" so others don't feel threatened. Like literally I'm the opposite of 90% of people on the planet - instead of trying to make myself look better I do everything to make myself look worse.
And the worst thing is my friends just take it for granted. They never consider me the way I consider them. They go bragging about their perfect boyfriend at a time when I was going through a break up. They would be rubbing in their payrise when I was stuck in a dead end job. One "friend" would outright tell me at a party "I can't believe you are getting more attention than me" The other one would go on about her beauty and admirers. Seriously they don't stop and think "hey maybe I'm being a dick." They don't ever think that maybe they should reciprocate things - like visit me at least as often as I visit them. Duh back in the day I would have settled for 1:5 ratio...
Then I had friends who stopped speaking to me for years because I'd be assertive after a long time of being coy. They get very upset if I suddenly tell them like it is - not in vulgar or offensive terms, just not going along with their POV or explaining I don't like the way they act towards me.
One friend did not speak to me for 8 months because I've finally told her to stop attacking my finance - one would think I'm the one who should have been mad at her, but she actually took offence because I dared to say something rather than bitch about my own partner. All that while she's fiercely protective of her husband.
Another friend has been phasing me out of her life (suddenly didn't have time, cancelling meetings etc) but the unraveling happened when we bought a spa voucher together (£30 each) and she then decided to actually book it with her other friend. I suspected this though only found out 100% via Facebook afterwards when they posted their pics together at the spa - so she didn't even have the courtesy of telling me. Yet I didn't really have an issue but suggested she should return my money. She got SO offended I dared to say anything and said I owed her some money previously (I completely forgot she apparently lent me £30 once on a night out which was strange because I am always very square when it comes to returning debts) so I guess she was suggesting this was her way of getting the money back. Then she stopped speaking to me for three years. Even when she resurfaced recently her text read "let's forget about what happened in the past" - like she also has some forgiving and forgetting to do - seriously is she for real?
These are just two fairly recent examples...
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
From pushover to assertive?
4 replies
Pandora88 · 04/02/2017 11:59
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.