After some advice - bereavement/ex-boyfriend

[thesestreets]

Hey just looking for a bit of anonymous advice.

I started talking to my ex boyfriend again before Christmas. We have kept in touch for the two years or so since we split up, and still deeply care for each other ther. We broke up due to circumstances with jobs and distance more than anything, in our mid twenties.

We met up in December and he asked if we can start seeing each other every couple of weeks or so, as we both miss each other and wanted to give it another go, and he said no woman compared to me. I agreed that my short relationships since him had not been a patch on what we had together.

Stupidly, I had an attack of the nerves and said no. I told him I didn't see a future due to the fact we are both settled in different ends of the country, but in reality I was just too scared to let myself fall for him again as it hurt so much when we split up. He said he understood, that it was Karma for letting me go in the first place. We didn't speak for a couple of weeks.

Tragically his brother died suddenly at Christmas. I immediately contacted him upon hearing from a mutual friend, and went to visit a couple of weeks later to offer support. I stayed for two nights, we slept together, cried together, I comforted him as much as I could.

I then went down for the funeral two weeks later. Obviously during these weeks he has not been up to chatting and texting much, but I have been sending little messages to let him know I am here and thinking of him.

At the funeral and wake he barely spoke to me. Got very drunk and emotional of course. All his friends and family were thrilled to see me and said he has never gotten over me and were asking if we were back together, which was really awkward! But expected. Seeing him again these couple of times has cemented in me that I want to spend my life with him.

Anyway, as I said we didn't get the chance to talk on the day of the funeral. I had already planned to stay at his that night regardless, which I did, and we made love (albeit both rather drunk.)

He is a mess, has quit his job and says he has no idea where his life will go now. I told him as I left that I loved him, I wanted us to try again whenever he felt ready. He didn't say much to that, which is normal as he is terrible at expressing himself. I said to keep in touch, I'm here if he needs me.

It's been a few days and I have texted once and he has replied briefly. I am in contact with mutual friends who let me know how he is doing. Very depressed, can't sleep, etc.

My question is this - how often do I keep in touch? Do I keep messaging so he knows I'm here but try to keep my distance and let him come to me if or when he feels ready? Or do I text several times a day? I was gonna suggest visiting again in a couple of weeks but I'm scared to impose.

Sorry for the lengthy prose, I am just so confused by the whole situation. I have not suffered a bereavement as significant as his myself and I don't know how I should best help. I am trying to not be selfish and think of what I want , which is to be with him and message him all the time, and instead to try and think what he would want.

Any advice very welcome. I am assuming I will just have to wait quite a few months and then broach us meeting again, but it's so difficult to stay away.

Thank you.

[Summerb]

I've never been in the situation but from readying everything it seems quite clear that you both have unfinished business with each other. It's going to be really tough for him for the next few months and I think it would be completely understandable for you to be in regular contact with him and then take it from there? X

[thesestreets]

Thanks for your reply. Yes I think I need to accept it's going to be a long time before he feels more like himself. I just can't stop myself over thinking the whole thing :(

[Summerb]

To be honest, if friends and family are telling you your the one that got away, I'd take that as a good sign. Hang in there xx

[SleepingTiger]

Step away.

Let things happen as he and you will it to be.

You have mentioned alcohol twice - you might need to think about that. It is perfectly normal to be 'a mess' and 'emotional' but alcohol doesn't mix well with sadness, only celebration.