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Marriage on the brink

(5 Posts)
Allthethrees33 Fri 27-Jan-17 12:59:29

Hi
I'm thinking of ways to best summarise my situation. I'm after unbiased advice, I have no family around and few of my own friends who are independent of my husband.
My marriage has taken a down-turn for the last 2 years. We are both in our early 30's and have been together since we were 16 and 18, each our first and only partners. We have three children.
Things became routine as they often do with young children and we became distant. He was away for the weekend and I took a nfw picture of myself to send him in an attempt to reignite the spark but at the last min decided against it, thinking there'd be better ways once he is home. Once he returned he was looking at my phone and saw the pic, instantly assuming I was being unfaithful. That hurt.
I was also applying for Uni and had lost some weight. I think he felt I was changing and it made him nervous no matter how much I reassured him.
He'd ask lots of questions about the conversations I was having with my mates, what I was wearing, checking I had knickers on by putting his hand down there (I mean ffs!). There was even the odd occassion he pushed for things to happen in the bedroom when he knew I didn't want to in a bid to convince me it would spice things up. Enough was enough and we discussed separating. He realised he was being unreasonable and we gave it another go. Since then he has been diagnosed with anxiety and although has refused counselling, is on medication although I think he is less vocal about his concerns in a bid to mask the problem and hang onto the marriage.
I'm so close to splitting but am scared of regretting it, being alone, affecting the relationship with the kids and him/me, losing security. I feel responsible for him and married in sickness and health, if it is the anxiety which is the cause. I don't find him attractive most of the time due to his behaviour and things are almost always a chore. We rarely have sex and this causes a big problem for his self esteem and reinforces his negative thoughts but I can't sleep with him for the sake of that, it would be wrong. He is so focused on me I feel it borderlines on obsessed at times. Things can be good for a short time and I think what was I being so silly about, then something unreasonable happens and I kick myself. I'm stuck. Please give me your honest thoughts.

Shoxfordian Fri 27-Jan-17 14:09:31

He sounds jealous, sexually aggressive and his behaviour is negative

What do you love about him?

AnyFucker Fri 27-Jan-17 14:12:11

You are not stuck. You can end it if you want to.

Adora10 Fri 27-Jan-17 14:24:43

Get rid, that is not love, it's about control and power and his insane insecurities, perhaps projecting, who knows but that's ridiculous that he treats you like that.

Dadaist Fri 27-Jan-17 15:07:35

Hi allthrees
Well firstly - I can promise you that if a woman posted she had found a sext pic of her DH on his phone that she'd not seen, he said it was for her but he never sent it, that he'd lost weight, seemed to be changing - 99% of responders would say don't be a fool - and lots of advice about what to look out for in a cheating partner - and a few about planning your exit! So I wouldn't feel too hurt that your DH was unconvinced.

It sounds to me as though this experience has triggered something for him, a real anxiety that he can't shake off. Hes responded and acted badly - and sounds v much like a mental health episode - which is why you felt you couldn't reassure him. It sounds such a shame because up until that point you say you were wanting to try and reignite things.

But now - you aren't sleeping with him and don't feel attracted to him and you're thinking of leaving him - so he has every reason to be anxious about your relationship - which sounds a little like gas lighting to me!
You know the solution is that he needs to back off, stop worrying, and that would help you to feel less under pressure and suffocated etc But its when people feel secure that they back off - not when they feel vulnerable- which is when they become controlling and clingy - it's completely the wrong tactic - but people can be crap like that!
You've got a lot of history between you and no - you can't expect butterflies and the flush of first romance - but things can be changed and they need to.
So - if you are unsure ...
He needs to get counselling, medication is not enough. You need to assure him that you aren't going to pull the plug if he can try to change - and he can change his behaviour with counselling. And then gradually you might feel different. Of course you can't be sure - but maybe it's worth a shot - the future for your whole family is at stake.
Alternatively- you don't need. to come here to get permission to end things - and his mental health issues sound troubling - and you'll get lots more reasons why you're better off without him. Whichever way- Good luck OP!

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