Thank you again for the further replies. I apologise as I don't think my op is clear, XH had regular contact up until around 8 months ago but was always flakey. He's seen dd2 sporadically since but dd1 has point blank refused to go for around 3 - 4 months now. Here is what I sent back to her message:
Hi SIL. I appreciate what you're trying to do - trust me, I've tried myself. I also understand that you're only getting half a story and that X is your brother so there will obviously be loyalty there. I have absolutely no problem with you, your DP (I miss nothing about my relationship with X except for my friendship with you guys) or the DC and would love for the girls to be able to maintain a relationship with you all. There have been a few times where I've wanted to tell you what is going on, to see if you can get him to see sense and I did message you out of desperation that one time but he told me you said you never wanted me to contact you again and I've always felt bad putting you in that position so I've left it.
But here is the other half of the story which I doubt he's bothered telling you:
- He hasn't helped me financially since May last year. He's paid no maintenance, not helped with clothes or uniform, no helping with presents or parties or xmas. Nothing. Not a penny. I've had to do it all on my own even when I was out of work and really struggling. I even paid the £20 to start a case with CMS out of desperation. They've written to him loads and called him but he still won't pay. Even before that, when he was kind of paying, he would always pay late and would agree to go halves with me for birthdays and xmas and then wouldn't give me the money back. He's carried on going out on the piss, taking his girlfriends on weekends away, going on holiday and I've just had to accept it. He even had the audacity to have a go at me for going on a weekend away with my BF, saying 'I thought you had no money'.
- I have concerns about the way he looks after them.
-The girls have told me that he doesn't brush their teeth and there isn't a toothbrush for them at his house. dd2 had such bad tooth decay that she had to have a tooth pulled out as she kept getting abscesses. One time when she was on antibiotics, which I had to drive to Leeds for as an emergency appointment, he forgot to send it back home. When I messaged him, he sent someone to my house with it and they left it outside and it was ruined (it needed refrigerating) as I was out.
- he puts them in clothes and shoes which don't fit and never returned the clothes I sent them in. This really used to piss me off since he wasn't helping to buy the clothes! One time he sent dd2 home stinking of piss. Dd1 told me he had nothing clean for them so fished something out of the dirty laundry. He'd taken them bowling so she was out in public like that.
- they tell me they are bored at his as he doesn't take them anywhere (except his mates playgym as its free for him) and all he does is shout at them.
- Dd1 came home once asking me what porn was. I was pretty shocked that she had heard that word so asked her where she'd heard it and she told me it was on the frequent search terms on the Google home page on the laptop X bought for her. I felt a bit sick at that to be honest. It's also a safeguarding concern.
- he's had a few girlfriends since we've been separated, and without fail, they've all been introduced within a couple of weeks. This isn't fair on them when they inevitably break up a short while later. Particularly concerning was the episode with C since she has a history of drug and alcohol addiction. Still, he was happy to introduce the girls just a couple of weeks after he started seeing her and she fucked off to rehab just a couple of months later. To add insult to injury, he's very vocal to the girls about how he hates My BF and at one time went round telling people he is a paedophile because he made them some loomband bracelets?!?! This has been really damaging to the girls who really like My BF (I wouldn't be with him if they didn't) and they feel torn loyalties.
3) there have been times where he's unreliable, turning up late, changing plans, using contact as leverage, only having one of the girls and driving off without the other
4) despite me trying to be amicable with him, he is frequently abusive, threatening and nasty to me. I can send you screenshots of the vile things he says to me and my girls have to listen to it as he has no problem saying this stuff in front of them. I've told him to remember that he's teaching them how men treat women, but years later, nothing has changed. Just this weekend I heard him berating me on FaceTime to dd2. This particularly pisses me off as I know I'm a good mum, everything I do, I do it for the girls. I don't know if he's told you but I was diagnosed with Hashimoto disease two years ago so I'm doing it on my own when I'm really ill. Instead of thanking me and giving me credit, he treats me like shit.
5) despite the fact that he blames me, it's actually the girls who say they don't want to go anymore. There are times when I'm desperate for a break but they refuse to go. I don't just mean they say no, they actually scream, cry and plead with me not to go. One time he turned up at my house screaming at us through the door and the girls were in hysterics as he was frightening them. Other times I've suggested ways he can encourage them to want to go but he gives me abuse for my efforts and says the girls have to change their attitude?!?! I actually think that dd2 has higher functioning autism and sensory processing disorders which I've been trying (and am still trying) to get a diagnosis and help for. I think this is adding to dd2 reluctance as she's very black and white about things and she still hasn't forgiven him for not giving her the birthday money he promised her. In an ideal world, I'd be able to ask his help to sort this out and create a structure between both our houses but he point blank refuses to work with me as he just wants to make out like everything is my fault. He's incapable of recognising his own fault or changing anything.
There's loads of other things that have happened over the years but you get the picture I'm sure. I tried really hard for a long time to make this work but there comes a point where you realise you can't make someone else do the right thing so you give up. I don't know what else I can physically do to change things. For my own mental health, I've had to just detach and accept that I'm in this on my own. Quite frankly, half the reason I stayed with him despite the affairs, financial and emotional abuse, the selfishness and lack of help with the girls is because deep down I knew he didn't have it in him to be an equal parent. I know he loves them in his own twisted way but that alone doesn't make him a good parent. He's far too selfish. He sees child rearing as women's work and he should just get the good bits.
I'm sorry to have to lay it all out so bluntly but I've just had enough. He makes my life so much harder then goes round complaining that I'm the one stopping him seeing his children. People don't know the half of it. I do appreciate you taking the time to message though. If you think you might be able to get him to see things from a perspective that isn't his own 'poor me' view then I'd be happy to see it. Ultimately it's the girls that suffer.