Anxiety and Me

[hzsouthwell]

My husband and I have a three month baby and everything he says is irritating me immensely. My tolerance has gone and to be honest I am dealing with him with contempt and total intolerance. I snap at him all the time.

The background is him having anxiety for the last few years and although not too bad right now he wants to have risk based conversations that go on and on and on as he repeats himself again and again which I can't bear (reading this I realise this sounds trivial but I am at my wits end). He feels like I do not respect him (this is partially true because some of the complete crap he has said to me in his anxious moments and frankly if you took every health and safety based concern seriously you would go mad). My husband is sometimes very thoughtless and I use this as ammunition (e.g. he didn't buy me a Christmas present this year because dealing with house sale and didn't buy me a birthday present previously because I wanted a massage and he deemed this too dangerous whilst pregnant).

My husband has now started to go for counselling for his anxiety. I am EBFing baby and haven't really had (ok, once for two hours) any time alone since baby arrived. Baby sleeps okay but wakes up once or twice most nights so the tiredness is mounting. My husband says I need counselling to deal with my rage (and I really do have rage at him) and suggests I might have PTSD since at times in the past his anxiety has been very bad (in hospital for a couple of days once, at various times convinced he was having a heart attack although this was all a few years ago). He also (and he means this kindly) suggests I stop EBF so I can get some better sleep and he will feed baby at night. We moved house very recently... We have also discussed going for couples counselling but as no family locally to look after baby a bit tricky as I hate the idea of telling either set of our parents off for counselling so think it's a couple of months before we would ask a friend look after the baby.

I'm rambling now but badly need some perspectives.... Having just moved house trying to get out and about and meet Mums which is fine. Most of friends don't have children. Both sets of grandparents a couple of hours away... I feel that by posting this I am being ungrateful as have beautiful baby. I just need to get it off my chest... We have reasonable communication and all of the above I have discussed with my husband. We have started to discuss whether we can still be married to each other. I just look down at our little baby and feel so sad that she has to listen to these conversations that my husband and I have again and again and that she has a Mum who has landed her in this situation.... Thoughts? I know that it's possible I am being slightly.... dramatic? Is how I feel normal?

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Yes, I think it is very normal to feel this way in these circumstances. I am pleased, also, that your H has started addressing his issues with anxiety, and has thought of possible solutions to your tiredness, even though his suggestion is not one you wish to do.

I don't get anxious very often, but I have a long-time friend who does. She has managed to have a fulfilling life, despite that, but it is a life shaped by managing her anxiety, rather than curing it.

Are you able to go out for walks, eg pushing a pram? Walking is very good for letting rage go (or at least, to express the rage) IME (and that part is my own experience!)

[hzsouthwell]

Thanks for your response! I think I just needed to vent! My husband took the baby out for a walk in the sling and felt much calmer after an hour alone! We have also agreed that I will take an evening out every week and some jobs he will pick up each evening to give me some free minutes.

Yup, getting out and about lots... Including pushing the baby out. I think I probably could do with talking through my rage with someone and the combination of baby, moving and anxiety has not been great....