Absentee mother

[Justvisiting2014]

Right then, apologies for the length of this post but I need a vent / rant / advice. Up front - yes, I'm a bloke but have been on here for a fair while and find I think useful / supportive.

So then - backstory: parents separated when I was very young, leaving me and my older brother with our mother. The split was due to her cheating (relevant). Not long after, she decides she doesn't want us after all, that she "needs a few days to herself" so drops us with family. At this stage I'm 4, brother is 7. And off she goes into the sunset, never to be seen again.

I say never but she was eventually tracked down 17 years later due to a death in the family and so returns without any real reason or apology and refuses to answer any questions about biological father who has never been seen since they spilt. Turns out she has a new "common law husband" ( her phrase) and another child. Lots of tension, lots of questions and refusals to answer, some unsavoury / uncomfortable behaviour :"I'm your mother, you need to respect that and sign forms to help get larger council house etc" / issues over inheritance etc
Gradually no one else in family wants anything to do with her and I'm the last one speaking to her.

Next thing, there is more cheating - I visit one time to discover "CLH" is bits that she is leaving him and son to be with one of his friends.
Queue a conversation with her,when she shows no remorse about the effect on others but about how hard it is for her and no one understands.
I said my piece and left, as far as I was concerned, wanting nothing more to do with her.

Life goes on- I'm now happily married, child etc and have a good life.

So now to the crux - lo and behold, a message on Facebook (the root of all evils). Just a nice "hi, hope you're ok, life is good, now retired, hopefully you would like to be I just touch etc etc" I always knew there would be contact but I'm still alternating between ignoring and responding and telling her exactly where to go...

I can see the benefit of ignoring, allowing her to play the victim and never be a part of my life but I also really want to leave her under no illusion as to how little she means or how she has no place I need my life or my families, at she doesn't deserve any of it....

Thanks for getting end.

[lorelairoryemily]

Didn't want to read and run, I don't really have any helpful advice except to say that if I were you I would possibly respond with something like "you had your chance, you weren't around when I needed you, I don't need or want you in my life now, please don't contact me again.

[Ellisandra]

Ignoring is valid.
Personally I'd go with a very short reply saying exactly what you have in your last paragraph - that you have no interest in having her in your life because of her actions.

for you.

[Secretlife0fbees]

I can understand why you'd want to tell her to fuck off and explain everything, in my experience though people like her don't really listen anyway, as you say you will be giving her an excuse to feel sorry for herself again and somehow distort what you said, possibly luring you into some sort of futile dialogue with her which will ultimately end in your frustration and sadness. So if I were you I would block her from your fb and delete it. The end.

[Pallisers]

The best advice would be to ignore her.

I'd be tempted to send a message saying "Who are you?"

[MaisieDotes]

You don't owe her anything OP. You have your own family now, concentrate on them.

to you for what you've been through.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Ignore the message sent from your absentee mother, infact block and delete. Opening the door to someone like her is like opening a box that should remain firmly closed. If you open that box it will be bloody hard to close it again.

You are no contact with her for good reason; keep it that way. DO not undo the progress you have made. Such people like your mother never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

She has not changed; she is still supremely selfish and still trying to disrespect your boundaries by contacting you via FB.

She also does not care about the emotional fallout she left you all with when she went off with some man; she has always put men first. She is not interested in hearing what you have to say about her and there is nothing here to suggest that she has actually changed, its still all me, me, me from her.

Its not your fault she is like this; you did not make her that way. Her own family of origin did that to her.

[Sassypants82]

I would also not reply. Delete the message, block her & get on with your life. Being in touch has brought you nothing but upset / hassle. Best of luck.

[Justvisiting2014]

Thanks for the comments and 💐, I know that I don't want a reconciliation because I don't think it would be geniuses or worth the effort - it's just that the urge to reply with "go fuck yourself" as my brother suggests or a slightly longer more eloquent version is hard to step back from. The urge to send a letter detailing exactly why I don't want anything to do with her is fairly strong...

But stepping away and ignoring is just as strong a message

[Newbrummie]

Block too

[CatBallou2]

It's very tempting to respond with "Yep, it's always been about you. Glad you're alright. Thanks, but no thanks". That's what I'd want to say, but it wouldn't be the best way to handle it. Ignoring her is the best thing, really. Turn the tables and imagine the impact ignoring would have on you.