Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Am I handling this ok?(9 Posts)
I posted last weekend about my dh who I have decided to separate. we have been together 20'years and married for 12, 2 dc (ds 10 and dd4).
We split up for around 1.5 years when my ds was around 4 and I decided to give it another go when my ds was 5ish. I believed the lies that he totally accepted the situation and how to make me happy so I took the plunge again.
We have never really been that happy since we got back together but in all honesty I felt a bit trapped, embarrassed and like I didn't have much choice so I threw myself into trying to make it work/accepting more than I should and letting far too much go.
He is a miserable fucker, sucks the joy from every single thing we do (always ends in an argument, or if the dc are with us it will end in one of them pissing him off, I will step in and defend them and and it will be ruined), he calls me names constantly whether or not the kids are there, he drinks to excess, he is very aggressive in his manner and if we have a disagreement he will shout me down, point in my face and not allow me to speak whilst still demanding that I answer him. I have been looking at the freedom project online and whilst some of it is extreme and doesn't fit his behaviour, he definitely fits the general abuser profile. He is most definitely a bully, he has also started accusing me of infidelity. He makes excuses about how he is stressed with work and loves playing the victim and he never ever admits that he is wrong or takes any responsibility for his behaviour. He knows how much I hate the kids hearing or being involved in arguments so he purposely involves them and then forces me to retaliate by saying something in front of them that undermines my connection with them so that I have to challenge him for fear that they will think what he is saying is true. He is not physically violent but has been in the past (pre kids) but I still don't 100% trust him and the fear remains that he will lash out one day.
I have been having counselling for the last 6 months as I was so confused and this has really opened my eyes to his behaviour and the reasons he behaves the way he does.
Anyway - last weekend he called my son a name that he calls me very often (in front of them) he was standing over ds while he was putting his shoes on and the intimidating way that he delivered this insult (first time he has ever actually called him something) was filled with the same contempt and agression with which he says it to me. I saw red and demanded he apologise (I wanted my ds to see me support him). He did not apologise, initially lied, then backtracked, then tried to persuade me that he didn't mean it like that etc, but I am done with the marriage now and I need to get him away from me and our kids. I realise that the kids will have access to him but not living with this should improve their lives generally massively.
Since I have made it clear that wE are over and I have started to make plans, I have been to the bank and they will lend me the money for the mortgage on my own. He initially said that he wanted half the equity in the house so this was included in the banks offer to me. Once he found this out the atmosphere in the house has been horrific (not in front of kids) he has threatened me, called me every single name, called me a shit mother (calls me that anyway) bullied me, slammed about, snarled at me shouted and threatened to tell our son to hurt me. I am just riding this out at the moment, I am certain that super dad phase will be upon us shortly not that he will keep it up for too long no doubt.
The bottom line is that the offer from the bank lasts for 90 days and then expires. He has changed his mind several times about whether he will leave, then said he will force me to leave and not take the kids, he will not leave at all and so this morning I have given him an ultimatum, he has until 1st April to accept my offer of the money and make plans to leave or I will start divorce proceedings. I was hoping to get him out of the house before that as I thought he would probably be more flexible if I don't present him with divorce papers stating his abusive behaviour while he still has something over me.
I also want things to settle down for our son as he is aware of my feelings about my dh behaviour and what he called him and I want that to blow over so that he doesn't think we are splitting up because of him. Does that make sense? Sorry for the long post. I have been lurking on here a while.
Sending everyone going through similar virtual support :-)
You're not handling this ok, you're doing bloody wonderfully. Your son will know you are supporting and protecting him, and I have no doubt you will reassure him the divorce is not down to one incident with him.
I hope you manage to get H to leave soon and you remain safe. You sound like a very strong woman
Thank you happy bunny.. I haven't told anyone in real life apart from my financial advisor (who is a friend now and helped me through the last separation).. and my counsellor. I have spoken to my mum about it but more testing the water as she was pretty vile to me last time and piled on the guilt about ruining my ds' life.
I feel like by giving him this date, it also makes him less able to convince everyone that I was behaving rashly and wouldn't give him a chance. He loves making people feel sorry for him and I know he will play that card again. He is currently off work with stress and I work from home so we are in the same house most days - the positive to that is that he gets a lot of the ranting off his chest while the kids are at school. They are water off a ducks back to me now - he called me fat yesterday which was a new one as he usually focusses on attacking my parenting. He apologised after that but said that I made him stoop to 'my level' (I have never called anyone fat in my life!)
Not got any advice as such other than - keep doing what you're doing! You're doing an amazing job xx
You're doing great and handling it very well. Stay strong.
You sound like you are doing a wonderful job and are making sure your children don't become victims of his emotional abuse.
My ex sounds very similar to yours and sometimes it's hard to remember that calling you names and saying your a terrible mother etc. is all abusive tactics to belittle you and is completely untrue. My ex told me the children would be much happier with him full time because I'm a rubbish mum, for a while I believed him but its just about them trying to control.
It's weird because I have put up with this stuff for years; making excuses for him for the sake of peace etc he has only just started calling me a bad mother, but the worst thing is that he does it within earshot of my son - I have a v close relationship with my ds and I very much doubt that he would ever doubt my love and loyalty to him but it's not the point, what kind of fucker does that?
He has bullied my son 'in the name of discipline' for ever in my opinion but I always justified it as just a different parenting style but it is bs and I feel terrible that I have not got rid before now.
When he called my ds a 'joke' there was no way he could wriggle out of that. I just want to make this whole thing as smooth for them as is possible with a selfish man child abuser to deal with too.
What happened with you? Did he try and get custody or was it all just words to hurt you?
I am in a similar situation to you, and am trying to build the confidence to tell him its over. He sounds very similar to your husband. He minimises his behaviour, makes me feel like I am going insane.
Like you, I don't feel i should leave the house, and he won't leave. So I need to get real strong and force the issue, but I know it is going to take time. That said, every incident pushes me one step closer.
You sound like you are doing an amazing job and are feeling strong, keep it up.
Thanks pudding. It is very difficult but I think once you have made that decision inside you then things become a bit easier. I do have to 'handle' him a bit just because I know what he is like and I think we all have to do things based on our own husbands behaviour. For example, my dh's image to his extended family is really important to him, he is like a different person to his uncles and shows them a lot of respect, if he becomes out of control he knows that I will involve them and he doesn't want that to happen.
Equally, if he ever was violent I would call the police and he would lose his job and reputation..he told me the other day that he wouldn't be that stupid (this makes me realise 100% that he is in control of his own actions).
Luckily I have the potential to pay the mortgage alone, he does not so this would
Definitely go in my favour. What is your situation?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.