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Supporting a survivor of childhood sexual abuse

(9 Posts)
lolaflores Wed 18-Jan-17 15:11:08

has anyone got any advice on the above.
This friend of the family has been having an extremely tough time getting any validation from her family. Since she has gone to the police to report the event (some 30 years ago now), they have been lashing out in every direction.
My friend is also overcoming alcohol addiction, spanning some 25 years or so. Whilst trying to support her as much as possible, her family are ringing me to tell me that literally everything she has said is a lie. They have rung my poor old mum, told her I am a liar, they are hounding everyone.
Durning a phone call with the victims sister yesterday, I actually felt my head start to spin. I know that addicts lie, they behave appallingly but all this effort to discredit her is wearing me down. I have a suspicsion she is drinking again. Her kids aren't with her, she says she sees them, family says she doesn't.
Myself and the victim are in phone and face time contact so in reality she could be up to anything and I cant tell being a four hour flight away.
I feel bad for being suspcious about her current behaviour but I fully believe what happened to her as a kid.
She is in the process of bringing charges against the abuser but it seems to be a slow process...then I wonder if she is not telling me the truth about that. Simply said that she would because she thought it was what she ought to do but in actual fact has done nothing?
I feel really drained today. The whole thing is escalating and EVERYONE keeps saying.
I didn't say that. thats a lie. he/she/they are liars
HELP

noego Wed 18-Jan-17 16:34:23

Contact Napac. They are professionals. You are not.

lolaflores Wed 18-Jan-17 19:45:57

Thank you Noego. Your answer feels quite dismissive. Not sure if you meant to be quite so blunt. However, I will contact NAPAC as you suggest.

eddielizzard Wed 18-Jan-17 20:27:30

i would stop talking to her family. if they call don't answer or tell them you're going out and can't speak. you shouldn't be put in the middle like that.

it also sounds to me like you're struggling to support your friend. i think all you can do really, as you're so far away, is be there to listen and support her. as for second guessing whether she's telling the truth, time will tell on that one.

i suspect you're devoting a huge amount of time and energy to her. make sure that you're not getting over-invested, and that while you're there for her, you're not getting drained yourself. that doesn't do anyone any good.

you sound like a great friend who's being put in a difficult position. flowers

Oddsockspissmeoff Wed 18-Jan-17 21:27:04

I agree with Noego. Your friend needs professional support. There are plenty of organizations that specialize in this. Give your friend Napacs number and step back. You sound far too involved.

lolaflores Wed 18-Jan-17 23:56:50

Thank you all. I didn't want to feel that she wasn't being believed or isolated by everyone. She has a therapist and psychiatrist as well as (I think) attending AA. I have sent her links for support for survivors but don't think she has used them.
She apologises for her family, which is a shame, but there you go. It has turned into a shit storm from all the best intentions. As you say, it is time to put some boundaries round the whole thing and realise my capacities have reached their fullest limit. Yet I feel guilty as I know she is suffering but no one can make someone take a step in any direction.
Its all been such a mess
Thanks again, I just needed to clear my mind and perhaps my conscience

eddielizzard Thu 19-Jan-17 07:07:49

why do you need to clear your conscience? you're not responsible for her.

lolaflores Thu 19-Jan-17 13:21:01

I felt she was neglected as a kid and now we ought to do what we can to make sure that her abuser is made to answer a few questions. It seems that is not going to happen. I had to try

Pocketsaviour Thu 19-Jan-17 18:09:38

How are her family contacting you? By phone, social media? Tell them firmly "I am not going to get involved in this. Don't call me again. Goodbye" and put the phone down.

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