Abuse

[jjburnel]

I did an extremely bad thing to my husband of which i am very sorry. I took money from him which did not belong to me...i took money from his FIL when he was in a care home. I am deeply, deeply, ashamed...i have not dealt with it in my own head and run away from the disgusting thoughts i have. I feel unable to face the reality of what i did............however my husband will whenever he feels like it, (usually when drunk), hit, slap, punch, bite, and say the most horrific things to me. He cannot get over it and i can see why. If the shoe was on the other foot i would have ditched him long ago....he is willing to forgive me and we get on perfectly well when going about daily business , but if he has been in pub, i dread his return.
I cannot see a way out for me....however, before i commited these evil acts, he still had a violent temper, so this has completely worsened the situation. If i didn't have children i would have been long gone. We have been together 27 yrs so there is a lot invested...there is a sick part of me that i think i need help with, professional help,......something that drove me to not give two f**ks when i was stealing, maybe because of the way he treated me even before babies were born.
The situation had always been him working and me sahm. I did not bother to look for work. I did let him do all the running about. I did take him for granted. I took, took, took....and never bothered to do anything in return.....why i took that money was through sheer laziness.
Now i have found myself a job and will be able to contribute. Of that we are both glad.
I feel i have to put up with the abuse that i get because of the horrible things that i did. Sometimes i think i do deserve it. Other times i wish it would just stop. Other times i do not give shit.....this all sounds so unbalanced......i think i may have some kind of sick, twisted, pleasure of watching him lose his temper, but i cannot take being slapped and punched anymore....i am deserving of this treatment.....i am.........am i ?

Any thoughts or feedback much appreciated.
This is the first time i have laid it all out like this. I could never tell even my close friend because it is just too disgusting......

[pocketsaviour]

Please call Womens Aid. You are being abused and it doesn't matter what you did, nobody is entitled to hit, punch, kick and bite you. Especially the person who should love you the most in the world.

If your H couldn't get over your actions at the time, he should have left you then. Instead he has kept you around as it gives him a convenient reason to "punish" you for his own sick pleasure.