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Very long... what has become of my life/family.

(7 Posts)
balence49 Fri 13-Jan-17 08:23:53

On Christmas Day I found cinema tickets... looked at his phone and what a suprise, no texts at all of the only female friend -his work partner/student... she texts him all the time.
He gave me a load of bull then licked my arse for a couple of weeks. He thought I'd get over it but I didn't believe him. So spent that time digging.
When I bluffed him that I had all his old texts he was backed into a corner and had to admit that he's been having an affair for two fucking years!?!?
I told him to go and he did. He apparently fell for her because she was kind to him when he was sad, we were going thru a tough time as a family. Meanwhile at home the last two years he has been in a deep depression, panic attacs, wakes me up all the time devastated, Cries every day. Tells me he wants to die regularly.

All this he has blamed on the tough time. - his parents have both died of cancer in the last 5 years, very traumatic. Then his half sister took us on a legal battle over the will.... it has been a truly awful time and I have been mothering him and excused him from any kind of responsibility for himself due to his oscar winning performance of the broken man with mental health issues. He has never taken part in family life just Sits on his computer all the time, makes little to no effort with the kids. They haven't noticed he's been gone since Monday...

I feel like the last 10 years I have given and given and tried my best to be as supportive and loving as I could. But now I feel like he has manipulated me and can't possibly have been as ill as he's made out if he was carrying on with someone else. I would have to literally coax him out of bed and reassure him continually that our life was getting better.

So he is coming over this morning to talk... I know he's going to be saying everything he can think of to make me try again but I can't, il never trust him again. 2 years isn't a drunken mistake it's constant lies and deceiving me. So not looking forward to this morning now.

I am absolutely heart broken and in pieces ha has destroyed our family. But I can't live checking up on him and wondering if Im being bullshitted by him.

My other issue is that when we had finally got thru a year long legal battle with his psycho half sister, we finally got sorted and inherited his parents house. ( she got all the money+++)

Me and my parents spent 4 months from Xmas til April last year. Gutted the house completely, knocked walls down, new kitchen, bathroom, new electrics, new plumbing, every room totally unrecognisable.

We were here every day in the snow and ice, working our arses off. Whilst he painted about two walls begrudgingly and was incapable of doing anything else because although he was wanting the house how we wanted it and made our own, he couldn't bring himself to see it a mess.

He had us all fooled. He now says If this is the end, he will go and me and the kids stay in the house. But it's in his name and I'm not sure he's going to stay saying that once he realises there's no chance of a reconciliation.

Feel very vulnerable right now.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 13-Jan-17 09:07:07

Good grief - what a deceitful, manipulative little shit he is.
I'm not surprised you are devastated.
Say what you need to say for now to get him out and keep yourself and the kids in the house.
Sorry if I missed it but I assume he is your husband.
If so, then get to lawyer and find out where you stand legally.
That house will be half yours and probably more as it is an asset of the marriage.
If you are the main carer for the kids then you could be allowed to stay in the house until the kids finish full time education.
But get the legal view on this first.
For now, play your cards close to your chest.
Get all the paperwork together that you can.
Proof of his wage.
Assets - cars, houses, etc...
Marriage certificate (you'll need this for the divorce if you get one)
Any account info, single or joint.
Savings account info.
ISA's anything you can think of.
Take that to the solicitor.

Then tell your family and friends and get some real life support.
They will be able to help you through this and keep you sane during the times you need it.

He will promise all sorts for now as he feels guilty.
This will NOT last. He is not your friend.
What ever he says now he will probably not follow through on.
So take everything you can now and then get legal stuff drawn up asap.

Look after yourself!!!

This is shite and I'm so sorry you are having to go through it.

Waltermittythesequel Fri 13-Jan-17 09:12:17

It doesn't matter if it's in his name.

You're married and it's the family home.

You may not be able to stay but you will be entitled to proceeds if he forces a sale.

I'm sorry. He's an utter, utter cunt. The fact that his own children don't notice him gone is very telling.

Cricrichan Fri 13-Jan-17 09:18:15

What a vile disgusting man. He's been deceiving you whilst you and you're parents have done everything to support him over the last few years. What kind of a human does that? I hope you're married so at least you can recoup financially.

balence49 Fri 13-Jan-17 12:27:14

Thanks for the replys.

I'd told him to come and talk this morning as gonna have to tell the kids something because they will start asking questions and I don't want to lie to them.

So I'd written pages and pages of all about how I don't think there's any way back. Tho he needs to sort his shit out even if we are over. He will never be a good father/ man to anyone until he takes full responsibility for himself and his life.

He made all the right noises ( as expected) he's
made a appointment with docs.
Been to see his boss and moved to a different town and a shift where he will work alone,
organised some counciling.
And says he will find out today how to add my name to the house and do it today regardless of my decision.
I asked him for ow phone number, Iv got it tho no answer.

So he is doing everything you would expect, tho words are cheap. He wants to fight for our marriage and become a dad and husband that we deserve.

However, I have made it clear that at this point I can't possibly see any way past this. Because I can't. I am absolutely heartbroken, devastated, utterly humiliated, emotionally drained and no idea how I could trust him ever again.

Some answers to things...
I am a sahm,
kids are 4 and 9 (oldest not his tho been with him all her life.)

I have got real life support my friends have been amazing , and family that I know will have my back whatever I decided.

So confused now.

Waltermittythesequel Fri 13-Jan-17 16:08:24

Why are you phoning her? It won't do you any good!

Imfree Fri 13-Jan-17 17:35:01

So why has the affair ended? Are you sure it has ended? And why does he suddenly want to try when he has hardly got out of bed for two years?

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