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Pregnant and father doesn't want baby

(22 Posts)
user1484087737 Tue 10-Jan-17 22:56:53

Hello everyone,

So i'd really like a bit of advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation, and wouldn't mind sharing their experiences.

I'm 26 and I have been with my partner for just over 2 months, everything has been going amazingly well - up until last week when I found out I was 2-3 weeks pregnant.
Naturally we were both shocked as we were not expecting this (I have a condition which I was told would make it hard to fall pregnant, I was also taking precautions.)
I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about the pregnancy, but straightaway my partner expressed that he didn't want the baby, that we hadn't been together long enough and wanted to enjoy getting to know eachother before having a baby. He is self employed currently, and is constantly chasing money from contracts etc. And this is a massive strain on him, and is also stating that this is a contributing factor to him not wanting a baby right now. ( I also work full time in a senior management position.)

I asked questions I.e would he support me if I chose to keep the baby, he claimed that yes he would.

Now, I personally do not feel that I need a man to have a baby. In fact, I don't need a man full stop. However naturally I'd love for our relationship to work, but since finding out last week he has become VERY distant, doesn't want to talk about it and basically has made it clear he does not want this baby.

I guess I'd just like to know if anyone else has experienced this, and what was the outcome?

I guess I'm just wondering how to approach these next couple of weeks, I don't want to force him into having a conversation about this when he is clearly uncomfortable but at the moment I don't feel I'm getting any support from him. He is moody, snaps at me and we have been arguing over minor things.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated smile

Thank you

AnotherEmma Tue 10-Jan-17 23:02:03

Sorry to be blunt but he is not your "partner" if you've only been in a relationship for 2 months, he is a boyfriend.

You say that you were taking precautions - does that mean you were using your own contraception (pill/coil/other)? Because he is being a bit of a twat if he didn't use condoms and is now objecting to the pregnancy.

He really doesn't sound like a keeper at all so I think you should assume the relationship is over and you will be single mum, and make your decision about the pregnancy on that basis.

Legally he has to pay you child maintenance but that's worked out as a proportion of his income and it's notoriously difficult to get anything out of self-employed absent fathers.

PatriciaHolm Tue 10-Jan-17 23:08:24

Realistically, you are going to have to have the mindset that you are alone in this. Legally he will owe child support, but as he's self employed he'll be able to minimise his liability easily should he want to be an arse.

He may come round of course. But he may not; he's barely your boyfriend, really little more than someone you've slept with a few times, so if you were both taking precautions then it's going to be a hell of a shock and he wouldn't be first bloke to run a mile and not come back.

user1484087737 Tue 10-Jan-17 23:09:32

Hi AnotherEmma,

No problem with being blunt, I just don't like the term boyfriend, just a Personal Preference.

Yes I was taking the pill, so I agree he isn't being mature at all.

Thank you for reply, I was just curious to hear from those who may have experienced something similar and could share. This is all very new to me.

PinkFluff2 Tue 10-Jan-17 23:40:25

I would be completely put off by how he's reacted. Especially with you saying he's gone distant. It shows that when things unexpected happen in life you can't rely on him to support you. That's not what you want in a partner, which is a shame considering you said things were good before this.

I personally would have to leave him and make the decision regarding the baby on my own as a single mother.

Atenco Wed 11-Jan-17 00:39:12

I think you should think through the implications of having a child whose father doesn't want anything to do with them.

Isetan Wed 11-Jan-17 02:04:13

You've been in a relationship with this guy for eight weeks, I wouldn't want to have a child with someone I barely knew either. However, if I was sleeping with someone I knew for eight weeks I would be taking precautions and I wouldn't rely on a) the other person solely being responsible for contraception or b) them telling me that they had difficulties conceiving.

The truth is you barely know this man and raising a child is a big commitment, he's been clear about his feelings so listen and base your decisions from the perspective of becoming a single parent. I understand the pull to become a family but having a child isn't the foundation on which they are built.

Congratulations and don't let his promises of a possible future relationship with this man persuade you into doing something you don't want to do.

not sure how I'd feel having a child with someone I was going out with foe

MsMims Wed 11-Jan-17 02:22:07

I can understand him being distant, you've been together no time at all. You must not feel pressured into making any decisions you aren't comfortable with, however from his point of view he is powerless in a situation he doesn't want to be in.

Make your choices based on going it alone. The relationship may never have worked out long term, but his initial reaction makes that even less likely.

MrsBlennerhassett Wed 11-Jan-17 02:52:56

i dont think you will know someone well enough after only two months to know weather they will step up to this responsibility or not. It could go either way. He may be being distant because hes bottling it and hes going to be a dick about things OR he may be being distant because hes in a bit of shock and is just taking time to get his head around it. He may well step up and become more positive about it with time but then again he may not so i think youll have to prepare yourself for either outcome. Decide based on what you want alone. His views may change for the better or worse so go with what YOU want as you will be the one actually having and caring for this baby whatever happens with him. flowers

waitingforsomething Wed 11-Jan-17 03:15:52

I actually was you a few years ago. Age 26, been with my partner a few months (although we'd known each other a long time), found out I was pregnant. DP was keener for an abortion than keeping the baby. I explored both options for quite a while and decided that I would be able to support the baby alone if needs be, and that I didn't feel comfortable having an abortion. He decided to give things a go and this one does have a happy ending. He fell in love with our DD the second she was born, we fell in love properly during my pregnancy. This was over 5 year ago now, we have since got married and had a second child.

It worked out for us, and it could for you too, BUT I only carried on ahead when I was confident I could support the baby alone if I had to. You should do this too, and then do whatever you are comfortable with.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 11-Jan-17 04:53:28

Happened to a friend. She told the father that she was going to have the baby and that if he didn't want to be part of it that was fine, but he needed to leave and stay away. He chose to walk away. She had the baby and met someone when her DD was around 4, married and had 2 more children. Life has been good for them all.

Just make up your mind that you're doing this on your own. You don't want someone staying out of guilt or obligation.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu Wed 11-Jan-17 05:42:15

Make your own decision, accepting that there is a huge uncertainty around what he does or doesn't do. I wouldn't bank on your relationship lasting

Two months is very, very early in a relationship to be dealing with anything serious together as a couple. You barely know each other. Saying he is distant - maybe he is a shit. Maybe he is a nice guy but just completely overwhelmed by this. You don't know him well enough to know.

Saying he will 'support you' is pretty vague and I think almost everyone says that, so I wouldn't count that as a given.

easy for self employed fathers to pay less child maintenance by paying themselves a low wage on paper.

Sad for your child if he doesn't want contact, or is flaky/ unreliable about contact.
Emotionally difficult for you if he goes the other way and seeks 50:50 care of your child, so your child is living with him half the week. I would hate it if my children were away from me up to half the week.

SharkBastard Wed 11-Jan-17 06:09:40

I fell pregnant at 27 and the father said he didn't want it and that was that. I went ahead with the pregnancy and now DD is 8. She has never met her father and unlikely to do so. I emailed him when she was born to advise him, he told me he hoped we both died.

I met my now DH when DD was 4, married now, expecting a DS and he's my girls dad. She adores him and he adores her.

Now, it's not easy being a lone parent but it's bloody rewarding. I had no contribution from DD's father, financially or physically. He is not on her birth certificate (which I am delighted about as he had no parental rights), and she is aware of the differences between father and dad.

It's your decision, best of luck

picklemepopcorn Wed 11-Jan-17 06:13:18

Two months is very, very early in a relationship to be dealing with anything serious together as a couple. You barely know each other. Saying he is distant - maybe he is a shit. Maybe he is a nice guy but just completely overwhelmed by this. You don't know him well enough to know.

^^ what gu said.

goodbeans Wed 11-Jan-17 06:21:48

Can you see your GP to review your chances of being able to conceive again in future as that may help you come to a decision.

TheNaze73 Wed 11-Jan-17 07:46:56

I totally get where you are coming from. 2 months with a boyfriend, is absolutely no time at all to be together & you've got some big decisions ahead. I'm glad he's been honest with you, about how he feels.

OnionKnight Wed 11-Jan-17 07:57:44

You've been together for two months, TBH I don't blame him for being distant. You need to decide how to proceed but either way I don't think he'll be by your side.

Cricrichan Wed 11-Jan-17 10:42:54

As peeps said. You've only been together for such a little while that neither of you know whether you're right for each other. I think you have to base your decision bearing in mind that you may end up being a single mum.

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila Wed 11-Jan-17 12:02:39

I think you need to be prepared to bring this baby up as a single parent irrespective of your bf. He may well just be panicking and completely overwhelmed, or he's the opposite and wants nothing to do with it.

Whether you keep this baby or not has to be your decision, don't have a termination for someone else. Equally don't keep it in the hope that everything will be wonderful between him and you, like everyone else has said you don't know each other properly. Maybe get some advice, BPAS are useful to talk to.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 11-Jan-17 12:08:23

Well your body and so your decision.
Do you really really want the baby?
Have you thought about all the practicalities?
Assume you will be on your own so can you afford it?
Do you have supportive family and friends around who would step up to help?
If you need to go back to work quickly can you afford child minder/nursery and rent, bills etc....?
From the sounds of it he won't be much help financially so you will be on your own.
Think it through and then make your decision.
It's your decision.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Wed 11-Jan-17 12:12:49

OP I've been in basically exactly the same position with the exception of being in a senior management position, although I was in a profession role with reasonable but not brilliant pay. DP is self employed and at the time was having the worst period for work he'd ever had. I fell pregnant 2.5 months in and he said his preference would be a termination. He has two children from his marriage though which has made our situation harder, mainly due to his ex.

I said I needed to think as I wasn't sure I wanted a termination, he took this to mean I wasn't going to have one and came round to the idea. It has been very hard going but we've now got another DC (planned) and we're still together nearly 4 years later and our relationship is getting much better (and so are our finances now I'm going back to work).

My best friend said at the time I should make the decision based on being on my own and if it worked out with DP it was a bonus so that is what I did and it was the best advice anyone gave me.

Hope you're ok. flowers feel free to pm me if you have any questions or anything.

Patchouli666 Wed 11-Jan-17 13:52:59

Worst case scenario, you have an abortion and this 'shock' is enough to have changed his mind about you anyway or you wouldn't work long term baby or not. So to me, I'd take him out of the equation in your thinking. Do you want this baby? Are you ready to be a The decision has to be yours and yours alone.

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