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Should I wait?

6 replies

GlitterBerry · 10/01/2017 07:26

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and we have a holiday booked with his family in 3 weeks time (monday-friday). His parents insisted on covering the costs of this which was very generous. However, I'm not sure that I can be with him any longer. I've found myself in a situation where I'm essentially mothering a man child. We had an argument last week (not a regular thing so that's not an issue) which caused me to realise this. I did tell him at that time that he needs to learn to take responsibility for himself. I love him and he has lots of lovely qualities which makes it more difficult. Should I break up with him now or wait til after the holiday? Should I break up with him at all? As I said I do really love him and I'm the type who wants to fix things. We don't live together.

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pallasathena · 10/01/2017 07:34

I'd avoid a man-child like the plague personally and explore the latent rescuer tendencies in myself as I made a swift exit.
You say you love him but you also say ( reading between the lines), that you don't like him very much: understandably, given his character traits.
I would bite the bullet and withdraw from the holiday. If you do it now, it gives his parents time to offer your place to someone else. If you decide to go, however, I really don't think you will enjoy spending 24/7 with someone who needs to be 'looked after'.
You are young and free. You should be looking forward to having fun and being happy not getting all worked up about some bloke who hasn't the wit to behave like a proper man.

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GlitterBerry · 10/01/2017 10:26

We had a long discussion about him needing to take more responsibility for himself last week. It seems to have resonated with him as he agreed and has already made a few changes which I hope will continue. I know I shouldn't have to look after him and I certainly don't let him stop me having fun. I think I'll wait it out til after the holiday and see if he steps up to the plate. Thank you for the response, given me food for thought!

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/01/2017 10:31

Do not look after him. Its never been your role to do that and certainly do not continue where his mother presumably left off.

Such changes he has promised are often short term and short lived. He probably has told you what you want to hear and you still want to rescue him.

Explore why exactly you are a rescuer and fixer (who taught you to become these) because neither approach really works in relationships particularly with a manchild. Do you love him or are you really confusing love with codependency and wanting to be needed by someone else?.

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pallasathena · 10/01/2017 11:28

I have a friend like you.
She always, always picks a 'project', to change, to fix, to make better, to organise...its exhausting to watch actually and she's been doing this for the past ten years that I've known her. I've told her to find herself someone more of an equal to her. Someone who is ready for a proper commitment in a proper grown up relationship but she carries on with her special 'type' regardless.
One drunken night out she told me it makes her feel special to be in control, to fix things, to organise everything...the relationships fizzled out of course except for the most recent one.
They're planning to get married in May.
He's out of work, doesn't drive, lives in a bedsit and has an alternative lifestyle.
His mum confided in me that she couldn't wait to get him off her hands and my friend just shrugged her shoulders and said "She doesn't understand him". Its a car crash waiting to happen. I really hope you don't end up in a similar situation.

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AhYerWill · 10/01/2017 11:41

If you're going on holidays with his parents I'm assuming you're reasonably young? If you're in your early 20s then, actually he may still grow up, particularly if this is the first time in his life he's actually been challenged on his behaviour. If he's in his 40s then no, he probably won't change.

I think you also need to change your behaviour though - some people are quite capable of being responsible, but if someone rocks up and starts taking on all the shit-work, they're quite happy to sit back and let them. So stop mothering him, and see if he steps up.

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GlitterBerry · 10/01/2017 11:53

I do think there is an element of me wanting to be in control. I'm aware of this and I'm determined to change it. I'm still early 20s and he's in his 20s as well. I think I'm going to give this relationship some more time, take a big step back and force him to step up. This holiday could be quite telling as I'll be with him and his family for 5 days. If he still hasn't shown me that he can be responsible for himself by the end of that holiday then that will be the end of us. Thanks for the replies, they've made me realise that my mothering tendencies won't do anyone any favours.