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If you're considering leaving , where do you start ?

(10 Posts)
Poshsausage Sat 07-Jan-17 23:41:05

The house is rented , married 4 years together 10
Am starting to find the controlling ness quite oppressive and don't want things to get worse so I know I need to take stock and know my position
I'm a sahm of 2 asd boys one in school .
Don't want to put too much detail as worried
I feel like he wants me to be a little wife at home , forever commenting on the state of the house etcetc as he wants things a certain way
Feeling isolated , typically he doesn't have a nice word to say about anyone
Don't know who to ask or where to turn

Lweji Sat 07-Jan-17 23:46:54

It depends.
Do you have any money you could use? Any savings in your name?
Could you afford to pay a solicitor or put down a deposit?
Can you get support from family or friends at all?
Would you want to stay in your current home or would it be ok for you to move?
Have you looked at how much maintenance he'd be expected to pay?
Did you have a job before (you could also get spousal maintenance)?
Have you checked how much you could get on benefits?

Lweji Sat 07-Jan-17 23:48:11

You could also contact Women's Aid, considering the controlling issues.

Would he leave voluntarily?

jules179 Sat 07-Jan-17 23:49:27

Do you think he would agree to leave the house or will you likely have to move?

If he is controlling you might find that he doesn't react well to you saying that it is over, so best to try and have everything sorted out so that you can act quickly if you need to.

Poshsausage Sat 07-Jan-17 23:51:54

I don't know is he would leave , being the bullying type I don't know which way it would go
I only have child benefit and dla and tax credits but it all seems to go on bills and debt
I don't want to be controlled
I don't have any family and my friends have things of their own going on
I'll give them a call Monday it's making me very unhappy
Thanks for listening x

Poshsausage Sat 07-Jan-17 23:53:06

I don't think I can leave a rented house can I and not with the children with sn

Lweji Sun 08-Jan-17 00:29:47

Depending on the type of control (is it financial as well?), it could be classed as domestic abuse and you could get legal aid for separation and court orders to keep him away from home. Check the police or gov websites for domestic abuse and violence.
Women's Aid could help you find a local solicitor.
NCDV could help with court orders, particularly in an emergency.
Women's Aid also have a support message board (possibly lower key than MN) if you want to discuss different details.

It may help, should you need evidence, to keep a journal.

Remember to try and get as much financial information, such as bank accounts, income, assets, etc. And the children's birth certificates or passports safe (or make copies).

If you trust your landlord, you could ask if they'd be ok with having you as only tenant.

Poshsausage Sun 08-Jan-17 00:38:28

Yes I think it's financial only he does the bills he just takes the money from my account and disperses it to wherever it needs to be ,I do struggle massively with numbers though I dn t understand them .
I'm such an idiot
Food myself tidying up today as scared of him having a go at me
He's doing the usual aggressive silent treatment
I didn't get married for this I'd rather be alone
But the children are so very very hard and I've no support

Seeingadistance Sun 08-Jan-17 01:00:09

You're not an idiot, and you can find a way out of this.

As others have suggested, contact Women's Aid, and a solicitor to find out how you can move forwards. WA should be able to give you advice about local solicitors and your entitlement to Legal Aid.

I have one son, who has Asperger's. It was actually easier being on my own, as so much of my energy was taken up with placating my husband, worrying about when he was going to get angry and what about, and making sure my son didn't do anything to set him off. On my own, I was less stressed, and that made everything much more manageable.

You're not alone. I've not been on MN for long, but I've quickly discovered there are lots of us here who know what you're going through. We're here for you.

Poshsausage Sun 08-Jan-17 01:08:55

Thank you lovely so much

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