OH driving me mad

[WhingeFuckingWhinge]

Going through a really rocky patch in my LTR. Been together for a decade, no DCs but mortgage and two dogs. Both 33yo and good careers etc so no money worries. Were planning a wedding but have taken a step back from that while we figure out this crisis.

Everything should be ok. Nice home, financially secure, he's hard working and honest. Does his share of housework. But lately I just feel like we're so different. He doesn't have much to say anymore. Never does anything in his own time other than go to the gym. Doesn't see friends. He's also totally stopped making conversation. Some days he's ok and makes an effort. Other days not. Usually he's ok when it's just the two of us but often when in company he just doesn't say anything. We were with friends over the hols and he just didn't make conversation and took himself off to bed really early. He's also started asking lots of questions - the usual 'where's this' or 'what are we doing today/tonight/eating for tea' etc. But now also more questions when people are talking or watching things on tv like 'what's does 'X' mean' or repeating things or asking about things we've already discussed - but it's so often it's starting to concern me and irritate me in equal measure. Constantly having to explain things or help him understand or keep up with conversation. I don't remember him always being this way but I think maybe while I've changed into my 30s, he's still 25. He often says or does things that come across as immature and really doesn't seem to care about how hard work he is.

Anyone else go through a period of time where their OH really irriatated them and if so, what did you do?

I don't want to nag him or moan, I don't even know why I'm posting this, just needed to vent as he's driving me mad! Even as I'm writing this he's at it again - asking me questions about a new gadget he bought - why am I expected to be the fountain of all knowledge all of the time?!

[Dappledsunlight]

I sympathise Whinge. Sane here, been married over 20 years and 2 young adult /teen dcs. DH irritates me frequently. I have to suppress it as would lead to rows. At sane time, I recognise his qualities; hard working, decent, good father etc. But aaargghhh! He can wind me up. For example, even seeing him get ready for shower & standing there midway in underpants and shirt....irritates because I find him unattractive. ..but I guess that's a whole other thread!

I just fatalistically assume this is the reality of a LTR; boredom & irritation. I know I irritate him too.

What do you feel about your DH? Are you concerned about his memory? Do you still love him/fancy him?

[Dappledsunlight]

Same here not "sane" (far from it in fact!)!!

[niceupthedance]

Does he or could he have developed memory problems?

[Dailymaildailyfail]

You sound concerned- are you sure it's not memory issues or something more serious?

[LineyReborn]

You sound bored shitless, OP.

[Pheebs770]

I had the opposite problem - no conversation with me or dcs but mr chatty family man in company. Irritated the hell out of me when I heard him say we've been there, we've done this etc when it was actually only me & kids, him at home on his computer
Got rid, that's how I dealt with it.

[NoMoreCricketDartsOrFootball]

I agree with LineyReborn.

I think a certain degree of boredom in a LTR is to be expected.

Have you actually sat down with him and talked about your concerns?

[WhingeFuckingWhinge]

I mentioned to him yesterday that I felt he was asking a lot more questions and didn't follow conversations that well ATM but he just sort of laughed it off so I don't think he is concerned about any memory issues.

I am bored. I desperately wish I wasn't and I'm trying so hard to focus on the good but I can't help it. He just doesn't have much to say but he is a nice guy, I feel very guilty for thinking and feeling this way and I'm so annoyed at myself - surely he can't have changed that much in the last year or two so obviously it's me that's changed and that's why I feel our relationship just maybe isn't going to end up in the marriage that I thought I wanted.

But if a colossal fuck up after 10 years and half way into wedding planning.

Is that possible to change how I feel in the space of a year or two? He's great but he's (dare I say this...) a bit dull. Just do any engage with people or anything anymore really. Makes me feel bad if I try too hard to encourage him to get excited or enjoy something - I just want to see some kind of joy or interest in something - especially when in company as I think people are starting to see him as a bit of a misery and that makes me feel very sorry for him but I'm also upset for me as I want him to be more engaged and also come up with plans and suggestions sometimes

Sorry this is all turning into a very self absorbed rant! Just need to get it off my chest!

[Welshgirl40]

May be a form of depression: trying to isolate himself, inability to converse aptly/ keep up with conversation. It also could simply be you're no longer as well matched as you were. People change, however, it does echo of depression. Quite a bit. Difficult one for you, OP.

[LineyReborn]

No, don't be daft, it's not self-absorbed nor a rant

It's a kind of dawning realisation. So you've changed. It's not a crime.

[Finola1step]

Agree with Welshgirl. Depression can slowly creep up on you and rob you of your confidence and any joy in the world. Very possible that he doesn't join in with conversations because he truly feels that he has nothing worthwhile to contribute.

Maybe he is naturally an introvert who doesn't enjoy socialising.

It is ok to say you want out. You don't have to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy. But I think it might be better to take a step back and look for the reasons behind his behaviour. Oh and the memory thing...when the black fog of depression descends, it can be really hard to hold onto information and process it let alone act on it.

[WhingeFuckingWhinge]

I didn't speak to him about the possibility that he wasn't enjoying himself that much lately and as he had an appointment with his doctor for a check up for his broken arm he did mention our conversation and they did suggest he perhaps had a form of depression called dysthymia (maybe spelt that wrong but basically it's low level longer term depression) and she suggested a low dose AD.

I'm just not sure if that's going to change things and how he's been but we will see what happens. In the meantime I'm going to try my best to support him and encourage him but I'm afraid this is just how it will be and at age 33, I'm scared how my life might be if I continue putting his needs before mine and working so hard to try and help him relax and enjoy himself. It's really been getting to me for the last 6 months and I'm just not sure I'm cut out for it anymore unfortunately.

I know I sound horrible - I don't mean to be, just trying to be a little honest and this is the only place I can do that

[WhingeFuckingWhinge]

Sorry for the typos and general bad wording and grammar! I meant to write that I did speak to him about how he had been acting and the possibility of a mild depression which the GP seemed to confirm

[MaisieDotes]

For some people (some!) 23 is too young to form the relationship that will last a lifetime.

Maybe you are one of those people.

[Hillfarmer]

You don't sound horrible...you sound very reasonable. But you are right to project forward a few years and think what life will be like if he continues like this.

He sounds very passive. And it is infuriating. You have lots of get up and go and he sounds like the sort of person who will open the fridge door and ask you where something is just because they can't be fagged to use a bit of loaf.

My only thought about your OP is that this won't get any better. It sounds as if he has given up making any effort - he's 'won' his mate, job done! I think you can see yourself getting increasingly aggravated/frustrated with his approach to life. He will start to leave all social arrangements to you, and you'll end up brokering everything.

What's his dad like? And the dynamic between his parents? That will give you a good idea of what he may become and what he might 'expect' of you.

[LineyReborn]

I don't think i could stay in the relationship you are describing, having started it at 23, and only being 33, and having no children.

Just putting that there for you.

Lots of people go through these early 30s break-ups.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

ADs can be of huge benefit. Give them a fair chance.

[WhingeFuckingWhinge]

The comment upthread re opening the fridge and asking where something is made me laugh as that's so my OH! It's even become a running joke (not a very funny one) that he asks where something is without looking.

I don't think I can stay in the relationship either. It's not all bad so I'm really not trying to paint it all gloomy but I'm getting nothing ATM in terms of my emotional and social needs met but I can't be unfair to him either and feel I should support him...not sure for what or how long but I'm just not sure what else to do really

[LineyReborn]

Do it kindly and fairly. No exit affair. (You wouldn't; you sound a good sort.) With firmness and compassion.

[Eevee77]

It's hard. It's down to your to figure out if the relationship have just ran its course or if he's got complacent and a kick up the bum after a truthful talk will help. Unfortunately I think it's the former based on your OP.

[WhingeFuckingWhinge]

Definitely no exit affair - not my style and I have too much respect for him - he's a good man, maybe not the right one for me but he's a good 'un.

Which makes it even sadder really but I'm realising (slowly) that the love and respect I have for him is maybe not enough - perhaps we both deserve more...

[LineyReborn]

I do feel for you. It's so hard. Take a bit of a break, maybe?

By the way, does it help writing it all down? Make it more real?

[WhingeFuckingWhinge]

Yes I think it might be a good idea to take a break - get some headspace.

It does help writing it down but makes me feel very sad and upset that I can't change how I feel. Have shed a few tears this eve and also have mad thoughts about my chances of having a family now etc but I can't allow those thoughts to sway my decision - I would never allow myself to start a family feeling this way but I do feel sad that I'm at this age (which I know isn't totally out of the game) after investing all these years for what really?

But that's life, no-one said it would be easy and I have so much to be grateful for

[WhingeFuckingWhinge]

Thank you all by the way, hearing your replies is really helpful for me tonight

[LineyReborn]

Oh, OP, plenty of us on MN met men and had children in our mid thirties, late thirties, forties.

You are grieving your relationship, not your potential future.